Page 9 | Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

NickyKat · 2026-02-15T02:17:03+00:00

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers. I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week. I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it. I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away? Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

usedtobeaylis · 15/02/2026 10:36

Whatkindoffuckeryisthiss · 15/02/2026 10:35

I honestly wouldn’t hinge any decision on Mumsnet responses. Posters here are notoriously judgemental and closed minded about anything that’s remotely ‘different’.
Only you can reflect and decide how you feel about it. He is still the same person. Maybe give him the space and time to feel safe to be open about what he does and how he feels.
For me, it would be the lying that would be a dealbreaker, but in this situation you can understand why he has always felt unable to be honest.
I am lucky that my partner was open and honest about his lifestyle as soon as we met. And that has allowed me to explore parts of me I never had before.
As long as there is open communication and trust, sometimes being authentically you creates the most intimate and loving relationship ever.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Some sly manipulation in there implying the OP will be judgemental and closed-minded if she decides it's not something she can live with in her partner.

GreenGodiva · 15/02/2026 10:37

Catza · 15/02/2026 06:46

There was a thread on here a couple of months ago where a woman admitted to wearing her husband's briefs to work when she ran out of clean undies and hundreds of replies of other women admitting to wearing them casually because they are more comfortable. Yet here we are hypothesising about a man being "abnormal" in a similar situation and having all sorts of kinks and fetishes which "will affect every aspect of life". Honestly...
I'm not surprised he doesn't want to talk about it. It's more of an issue that he feels being judged in a relationship than him wearing briefs made of a different material which is not "manly" enough.

Men’s underwear is often much larger and more encompassing than women’s which are often not even designed for women’s comfort but rather for looks and sex appeal. Men’s underwear is more generous to allow for their more girthy genitals, with longer legs that don’t dig in, higher waist bands etc.

when I was pregnant I lived in my DHs boxers from about 5 months as I couldn’t get a single pair of knickers to stay up and not roll down catching my pubes . Are you honestly suggesting that women are acting on a fetish by choosing the comfort and practicality that men are afforded ( and we are often denied)…..

……. but a man trying to squeeze his meat and potatoes into a the very same torturous tiny lacy number we hate, is also for comfort? Where do you think a penis and testicles GOES in a pair of women’s knickers? There is no pouch, no support. It would look like netted up pork shoulder that had burst its bags. Where exactly is the comfort? Make it make sense 😂🤷🏼‍♀️. But you can’t because it’s not about comfort. Its a sexual fetish.

patooties · 15/02/2026 10:39

That would be the end for me.

borntobequiet · 15/02/2026 10:39

Koolforkatz · 15/02/2026 10:28

Way more women are transitioning compared to men these days. And the majority of them are lesbians. It’s not remotely true to say it’s common for lesbians not to want to change sex, the vast majority of lesbians are transitioning @AssignedTERFatbirth

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It’s not remotely true to say it’s common for lesbians not to want to change sex, the vast majority of lesbians are transitioning

You say this with confidence. Why do you think it’s true?

Whatkindoffuckeryisthiss · 15/02/2026 10:40

usedtobeaylis · 15/02/2026 10:36

Some sly manipulation in there implying the OP will be judgemental and closed-minded if she decides it's not something she can live with in her partner.

Edited

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Don’t be ridiculous. My entire point is internal reflection to decide how they feel about it without any manipulation from others. She is perfectly entitled to feel however she feels.

PithyViewer · 15/02/2026 10:40

QuietLifeNoDrama · 15/02/2026 09:30

How do you know? We all have different likes and dislikes?! People vary massively in all areas of life. Food, music, touch, smells, busy environments…. Just because you find something uncomfortable shouldn’t mean that someone else can’t possibly have a preference for it. I have a massive aversion to a certain fabric, it makes my skin crawl and sometimes I want to be sick. Other people love it and wear it regularly.

I’m not denying it could also be a kink and for the record I don’t have an aversion to that either. Only OP can decide if she can live it with it but first that starts with an honest conversation. I wouldn’t judge her for leaving, it’s absolutely fine. I just feel like there’s a reason that suicide is the primary cause of death for men under 50 and rigid attitudes about ‘men being men’ are a primary cause. If it’s not actually hurting anyone I couldn’t give a shit what other people do in their private lives.

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I also couldn't care less about what other people do in their private lives.

A life partner is not "other people".

The13thFairy · 15/02/2026 10:43

Once upon a time I wouldn't have been bothered, but now it would freak the fuck out of me. You know the saying - what's the difference between a man wearing women's knickers and a man 'coming out' as transgender? About two years.

Anonanonandon · 15/02/2026 10:43

Early on in my first marriage I accidentally discovered that my exH liked wearing women's knickers (and boots). Try as I might, I couldn't ever get over the ick. I wasted 10 years trying.
My advice, if it gives you the ick it won't change and don't waste your life trying. Good Luck

Naunet · 15/02/2026 10:44

Rainallnight · 15/02/2026 08:20

I’m a lesbian and my mind is blown by this thread. Orifices clamping shut, meat and potatoes men, divorce. To me, it all sounds like an hysterical over reaction.

OP, speak to him and make up your own mind.

As a lesbian you should be aware that women are entitled to their own sexuality. For most women, this is a big turn off, there's nothing 'hysterical' about that, but it's an interesting choice of insult from you.

PandorasMailbox · 15/02/2026 10:45

There would be no room large enough to contain the ick I'd feel.

I discovered someone I was dating could only get turned on by wearing silky tights. I tried to get past it, but couldn't hide my repulsion.

Original poster

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 10:45

I just spoke to him as it was starting to get to me, and... well, I'm still processing it all! I think we're okay, but my head is still spinning a bit.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now. Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online. He also said it's more acceptable to see men in the lingerie sections around Christmas etc. He wears them once or twice a week, likes having the choice, and yes... he probably has more than he realistically needs!

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself. He likes the "compression", as he put it. He insists it's not really sexual. He also needs certain styles as some fit him better around his bits. I hadn’t really thought about that before, but I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He apologised for not telling me sooner, but he doesn't feel like he's been lying - he just didn't know how to bring it up. I asked if he wanted to make love in them, and he's not sure. I asked if he wants to wear them all the time, and he said only if I'm okay with it and that it probably wouldn't be daily anyway. He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one. I'm not sure if I should ask to see him in them as I'd be interested to see how well it all fits but I'm not sure if asking him to stand in just his underwear for me is a bit too weird - yes, I'm aware if the irony in worrying about what's weird when I'm going through all this!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all - it's weird, and part of me still feels a bit flustered and surprised! But I don't feel betrayed, and I feel like he's being honest now. I think that's a relief?

Still a lot of thoughts racing through my head, but at least it feels better having actually talked about it.

OP posts:

Theseventhmagpie · 15/02/2026 10:47

Anndalouzier · 15/02/2026 06:20

Yeah. Sure.

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You beat me to it. Decent, well adjusted guy??? And wasn’t this taken at a children’s charity event?

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 15/02/2026 10:47

I don't know why people are assuming he is trans?

I had a boyfriend once who was very into wearing my knickers in bed. He also used to wear womens knickers to wank. I now understand that his fetish was actually very deeply rooted misogyny. He called it 'punishment' and 'humiliation' to wear the knickers.

It used to really turn him on though, and me too at the time because he loved it so much.

WimbyAce · 15/02/2026 10:49

Has he been washing them secretly then?

FrootyCider · 15/02/2026 10:51

GreenGodiva · 15/02/2026 10:37

Men’s underwear is often much larger and more encompassing than women’s which are often not even designed for women’s comfort but rather for looks and sex appeal. Men’s underwear is more generous to allow for their more girthy genitals, with longer legs that don’t dig in, higher waist bands etc.

when I was pregnant I lived in my DHs boxers from about 5 months as I couldn’t get a single pair of knickers to stay up and not roll down catching my pubes . Are you honestly suggesting that women are acting on a fetish by choosing the comfort and practicality that men are afforded ( and we are often denied)…..

……. but a man trying to squeeze his meat and potatoes into a the very same torturous tiny lacy number we hate, is also for comfort? Where do you think a penis and testicles GOES in a pair of women’s knickers? There is no pouch, no support. It would look like netted up pork shoulder that had burst its bags. Where exactly is the comfort? Make it make sense 😂🤷🏼‍♀️. But you can’t because it’s not about comfort. Its a sexual fetish.

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Maybe your issue is that you're wearing tiny uncomfortable lacy knickers. Not all pants are tiny and uncomfortable. Mine are generously portioned so as to fit (hide) my big belly, with no lace in sight. Boy shorts, briefs and hipster pants that the OP describes are roomy pants.

Catza · 15/02/2026 10:53

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 09:24

Thanks all. I'm going to try talk to him later today, I just need to try get my head around it still.

But to answer some of the questions that have been raised:

We've lived together nearly 2 years. We both do the laundry (washing and putting away). They are definitely washed and have had the same fabric softener used on them. My guess is he puts them in when he's doing a wash and I'm doing something else. It's not something I've really thought about or that we've discussed but thinking about it when he puts washing in he also does the drying and sorting for that load.

Anyway, that's me going off in a slight tangent! As to why I haven't found them until now? We've both been really busy these last couple of weeks with family health issues etc so we're behind on housework. His boxers were getting low so when I was putting clothes away I actually saw a small bow which is what piqued my interest to see what it was. They're normally covered by more pairs of his boxers.

How did he find out he likes the feel? Well we've worn each others boxers/knickers at different times so I guess from that. Although it's certainly not frequently. We were away once for a long weekend but he'd not brought enough - I always bring extra (especially when I'm due on) and threw him a pair of mine to put on. I honestly never thought anything of it - but now my mind is running all over again!

Is it sexual or a fetish? I don't know. I intend to find out. I guess I'm worried that if I tell him it's ok then he just stops and I'll never know what it was about.

I'm not sure comparing him to that Grayson guy is realistic though. It seems a bit of an extreme jump and as others have said, perhaps it's reactions like this which have made him scared to tell me.

Is it a deal-breaker? I don't know yet. I'm going to try talk to him this afternoon. So many questions still but I currently think he's telling the truth about the feeling. I've heard other men say they don't like to wear loose boxers because "it all swings about down there".

Oh, I don't bloody know anymore! Wish me luck.

You sound very sensible. I don't think there is necessarily anything alarming going on but obviously go with what you feel comfortable with.
I've certainly dated men who had to borrow my knickers on a holiday as well as a guy who would absolutely try mine for a laugh and a guy who had a collection for his own but was absolutely a gem of a bloke and didn't run around town soliciting.
It's more common than we think and, really, it's just a piece of fabric in most cases and not a reflection on someone's character.

Fodencat · 15/02/2026 10:54

😱

borntobequiet · 15/02/2026 10:54

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 10:45

I just spoke to him as it was starting to get to me, and... well, I'm still processing it all! I think we're okay, but my head is still spinning a bit.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now. Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online. He also said it's more acceptable to see men in the lingerie sections around Christmas etc. He wears them once or twice a week, likes having the choice, and yes... he probably has more than he realistically needs!

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself. He likes the "compression", as he put it. He insists it's not really sexual. He also needs certain styles as some fit him better around his bits. I hadn’t really thought about that before, but I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He apologised for not telling me sooner, but he doesn't feel like he's been lying - he just didn't know how to bring it up. I asked if he wanted to make love in them, and he's not sure. I asked if he wants to wear them all the time, and he said only if I'm okay with it and that it probably wouldn't be daily anyway. He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one. I'm not sure if I should ask to see him in them as I'd be interested to see how well it all fits but I'm not sure if asking him to stand in just his underwear for me is a bit too weird - yes, I'm aware if the irony in worrying about what's weird when I'm going through all this!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all - it's weird, and part of me still feels a bit flustered and surprised! But I don't feel betrayed, and I feel like he's being honest now. I think that's a relief?

Still a lot of thoughts racing through my head, but at least it feels better having actually talked about it.

See where you are in two years’s time. I’d bet it’s a long way from when you are now.

Wishthingswerenouting · 15/02/2026 10:57

first page replies are appalling. Would the collective feel the same if a woman was wearing boxers?

it’s up to you what you do OP but think hard about your reasons. This is either a non issue or the start of something else

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/02/2026 10:58

Catza · 15/02/2026 06:46

There was a thread on here a couple of months ago where a woman admitted to wearing her husband's briefs to work when she ran out of clean undies and hundreds of replies of other women admitting to wearing them casually because they are more comfortable. Yet here we are hypothesising about a man being "abnormal" in a similar situation and having all sorts of kinks and fetishes which "will affect every aspect of life". Honestly...
I'm not surprised he doesn't want to talk about it. It's more of an issue that he feels being judged in a relationship than him wearing briefs made of a different material which is not "manly" enough.

How would women’s underwear be more comfortable for a man? Who has testicles and a penis to try and house in underwear not designed to house anything.

It’s a kink. He’s an AGP.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/02/2026 11:00

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 10:45

I just spoke to him as it was starting to get to me, and... well, I'm still processing it all! I think we're okay, but my head is still spinning a bit.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now. Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online. He also said it's more acceptable to see men in the lingerie sections around Christmas etc. He wears them once or twice a week, likes having the choice, and yes... he probably has more than he realistically needs!

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself. He likes the "compression", as he put it. He insists it's not really sexual. He also needs certain styles as some fit him better around his bits. I hadn’t really thought about that before, but I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He apologised for not telling me sooner, but he doesn't feel like he's been lying - he just didn't know how to bring it up. I asked if he wanted to make love in them, and he's not sure. I asked if he wants to wear them all the time, and he said only if I'm okay with it and that it probably wouldn't be daily anyway. He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one. I'm not sure if I should ask to see him in them as I'd be interested to see how well it all fits but I'm not sure if asking him to stand in just his underwear for me is a bit too weird - yes, I'm aware if the irony in worrying about what's weird when I'm going through all this!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all - it's weird, and part of me still feels a bit flustered and surprised! But I don't feel betrayed, and I feel like he's being honest now. I think that's a relief?

Still a lot of thoughts racing through my head, but at least it feels better having actually talked about it.

Run.

TheCriticalThinker · 15/02/2026 11:01

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 10:45

I just spoke to him as it was starting to get to me, and... well, I'm still processing it all! I think we're okay, but my head is still spinning a bit.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now. Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online. He also said it's more acceptable to see men in the lingerie sections around Christmas etc. He wears them once or twice a week, likes having the choice, and yes... he probably has more than he realistically needs!

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself. He likes the "compression", as he put it. He insists it's not really sexual. He also needs certain styles as some fit him better around his bits. I hadn’t really thought about that before, but I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He apologised for not telling me sooner, but he doesn't feel like he's been lying - he just didn't know how to bring it up. I asked if he wanted to make love in them, and he's not sure. I asked if he wants to wear them all the time, and he said only if I'm okay with it and that it probably wouldn't be daily anyway. He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one. I'm not sure if I should ask to see him in them as I'd be interested to see how well it all fits but I'm not sure if asking him to stand in just his underwear for me is a bit too weird - yes, I'm aware if the irony in worrying about what's weird when I'm going through all this!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all - it's weird, and part of me still feels a bit flustered and surprised! But I don't feel betrayed, and I feel like he's being honest now. I think that's a relief?

Still a lot of thoughts racing through my head, but at least it feels better having actually talked about it.

Now he's been caught he's told you:

He feels sexy wearing them
He might want to wear them when he has sex
The only reason he doesn't wear other women's clothing is because other people wouldn't like it

And you think he's being honest with you and that it might not be a sexual fetish?

You might need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Hoardasurass · 15/02/2026 11:01

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 10:45

I just spoke to him as it was starting to get to me, and... well, I'm still processing it all! I think we're okay, but my head is still spinning a bit.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now. Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online. He also said it's more acceptable to see men in the lingerie sections around Christmas etc. He wears them once or twice a week, likes having the choice, and yes... he probably has more than he realistically needs!

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself. He likes the "compression", as he put it. He insists it's not really sexual. He also needs certain styles as some fit him better around his bits. I hadn’t really thought about that before, but I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He apologised for not telling me sooner, but he doesn't feel like he's been lying - he just didn't know how to bring it up. I asked if he wanted to make love in them, and he's not sure. I asked if he wants to wear them all the time, and he said only if I'm okay with it and that it probably wouldn't be daily anyway. He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one. I'm not sure if I should ask to see him in them as I'd be interested to see how well it all fits but I'm not sure if asking him to stand in just his underwear for me is a bit too weird - yes, I'm aware if the irony in worrying about what's weird when I'm going through all this!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all - it's weird, and part of me still feels a bit flustered and surprised! But I don't feel betrayed, and I feel like he's being honest now. I think that's a relief?

Still a lot of thoughts racing through my head, but at least it feels better having actually talked about it.

Its a fetish hence the "he feels sexy" look up agp and please read the trans widows threads on the feminism board.
You do not have to keep his secret talk to friends and family before deciding whether to stay or leave him

SaltPepperandTomato · 15/02/2026 11:01

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 10:45

I just spoke to him as it was starting to get to me, and... well, I'm still processing it all! I think we're okay, but my head is still spinning a bit.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now. Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online. He also said it's more acceptable to see men in the lingerie sections around Christmas etc. He wears them once or twice a week, likes having the choice, and yes... he probably has more than he realistically needs!

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself. He likes the "compression", as he put it. He insists it's not really sexual. He also needs certain styles as some fit him better around his bits. I hadn’t really thought about that before, but I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He apologised for not telling me sooner, but he doesn't feel like he's been lying - he just didn't know how to bring it up. I asked if he wanted to make love in them, and he's not sure. I asked if he wants to wear them all the time, and he said only if I'm okay with it and that it probably wouldn't be daily anyway. He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one. I'm not sure if I should ask to see him in them as I'd be interested to see how well it all fits but I'm not sure if asking him to stand in just his underwear for me is a bit too weird - yes, I'm aware if the irony in worrying about what's weird when I'm going through all this!!

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all - it's weird, and part of me still feels a bit flustered and surprised! But I don't feel betrayed, and I feel like he's being honest now. I think that's a relief?

Still a lot of thoughts racing through my head, but at least it feels better having actually talked about it.

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself.

He's actually admitting to you that it's a fetish. He's an AGP.

Now you know the truth about him, he will see any acceptance from you as the green light to go further.

If that's OK with you and you can face a possible future of calling your life-partner "Nancy" and fulfilling his fetishistic need for you to pretend he is a woman and you are a lesbian couple, go ahead and be happy.

If, on the other hand the prospect of such a future is unacceptable, run for the hills.

Don't expect him to change. The impulse to act out his fetish is strong. It is unlikely he will be able to give up his lady props easily.

Catza · 15/02/2026 11:01

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/02/2026 10:58

How would women’s underwear be more comfortable for a man? Who has testicles and a penis to try and house in underwear not designed to house anything.

It’s a kink. He’s an AGP.

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Do you have a degree on psychiatry? Psychology?
Highly doubtful given your levels of reading comprehension and use of derogatory slang.