Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

[NickyKat]

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

Its obviously BS that he likes the material better when both are available in the exact same material. It’s clearly a sexual fetish. I totally understand why he hid it from you though. What man is going to be open about this with the huge stigma & shame attached to it?! Just look at all these replies for evidence! It’s a personal decision whether it bothers you or not, but you need to have an honest conversation with him about it where he’s able to talk without feeling judged. It’s just a sexual fetish at the end of the day. There are plenty of weirder ones out there. I’m a gay woman and often use a realistic looking strap-on with my partner. It turns me on to feel like I’m a man fucking a woman sometimes, and that I have a cock. And I’m not even attracted to men! I guess you could call it a sexual fetish but it’s a very common one amongst lesbians. Does it mean I want to be a man or feel like a man in any other way? No. Am I going to start stuffing socks down my pants and drawing a fake beard on when I go out anytime soon? No. Does it make me a freak? I don’t think so considering how common this is amongst gay women. I really don’t think it’s that weird to be turned on by the thought of being the opposite sex occasionally. But it’s seen as extremely creepy by society when it’s a man doing it. Yes some take it too far and think they must “be” women and transition, some go on to become sexual predators. But for the vast majority it’s a harmless & surprisingly common, yet demonised fetish.

Honest conversation to be had. Have you looked in his wardrobe? Are there more womens clothes? How would he feel if he didn't wear them anymore?
Not a deal breaker for me, as long as he didn't expect me to see him in them.

Some men have fetishes. Up to them what they do about that, in the privacy of their own lives - nothing illegal about a man owning women's knickers.

However that doesn't mean any of should feel compelled to be his sexual partner.

If he's got other bedrooms have a look in any spare wardrobes and under the beds. Might be very enlightening.

Men wear women's clothing because they get a sexual thrill from doing so, not because women's clothing is more comfortable. They usually go for the "sexy", frilly kind that most women would avoid if they want to be comfortable.

They are known as AGPs. The urge to experience the thrill of their fetish can be overwhelming.

Some are content with wearing women's underwear to satisfy their kink, but others need to go to ever greater lengths, including social "transition", using a feminine name, wanting other people to pretend they actually are real women and invading women-only spaces.

Fantasising about genital mutilation is common and in the most extreme cases, they will take feminising hormones and have genital-mutilating surgery.

These men are incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. His whole life could end up revolving around his fetish and if you stay with him, he will expect yours to as well.

I agree with this. There are so many underwear options for men (from silk thongs to bamboo briefs to flappy cotton boxers). And they can be ordered online, so lack of local options in shops is no longer a problem. If he can manage to buy women’s underwear, he can manage to buy men’s. So, it would seem it’s the fact they’re designed for women that’s the attraction.

Possible he deliberately forgot his underwear on your break, so he had an excuse to wear yours.

OP, he owes you an explanation if you’re in a committed, long-term, cohabiting relationship. It breaches trust and is deceptive to keep it from you. And the risk was you’d discover them and be blindsided and shocked, which you have been.

If (as is likely) it’s a sexual kink or because he feels more comfortable wearing women’s clothes, no one should judge him for it. But you have every right to say having a relationship with someone who does isn’t for you.

If he won’t talk about it, or tries to minimise it, it destroys trust.

It always starts with the knickers OP. I have absolutely no issue with men wearing pants designed for women, and it wouldn’t bother me if my DP were open about liking them. The subterfuge would bother me. I think you do need to give your partner a heads up early on in the relationship about stuff like this. It starts with the knickers, it never ends there.

Here's another Grayson Perry image. I had no idea he added prosthetic cocks to his outfits. Gone right off him

Eww. I’d immediately feel completely differently about him. It would be over.

Yes it’s the commonality that’s the actual point.

It’s common for men who wear women’s underwear to have a fetish that develops.

It’s common for lesbians who desire to be men penetrating women not to want to sex change.

Don’t be naive, this isn’t about comfort, there are many options in men’s underwear to find a comfortable fit and fabric.
He has a fetish, it’s going to be very difficult for him to stop doing it.
You need to decide if you can live with this or not, only you can make that decision.
It would be a no from me.

This is autoandrophilia: “It turns me on to feel like I’m a man fucking a woman sometimes, and that I have a cock.”
Many lesbians have this fetish, and many have transitioned because of it. Most people pretend it doesn’t exist

I’d be inclined to discuss it THEN see how it goes. If your acknowledgment and acceptance immediately leads to escalation, then it’s more likely you have a problem on your hands.

I suspect there may be some me for whom this is enough, but there’s also an observable pattern where some men hide their interests and then decide to transition and unfortunately there also appears to be a pattern where they do so at a time when the family’s attention ought to be elsewhere, such as when a baby comes along or when the teenage children are sitting their A-levels. At that point, it’s extremely destructive and much more complicated to leave.

I have no idea how you tell the difference though likely there will be other red flags, which women on the Relationships board might be able to guide you on.

What does a random poster being a lesbian have to do with any of it?

And Grayson Perry did indeed, as a teenage boy, wear his sister's clothes.

I would shake your hand if I could.

Way more women are transitioning compared to men these days. And the majority of them are lesbians. It’s not remotely true to say it’s common for lesbians not to want to change sex, the vast majority of lesbians are transitioning @AssignedTERFatbirth

It's a fetish. If he doesn't like boxers, he can wear tighty whiteys. Or other types of men's underwear available to buy online with a tighter-fitting gusset. Presumably he online shopped for the lady pants anyway, so why not just look for something more appropriate in a men's?

I'd be checking his search history. Though he's probably scrubbed it now you've found the underwear.

It's 100% a sexual fetish and I'm sorry but it will only get worse and his behaviour more risky and narcissistic

Oh come off it. This is ridiculously disingenuous. Pretending you don't know about the fetishisation of clothes associated with women and therefore how it diminishes women and girls - just look the much fawned over Grayson Perry's own words - is silly.

I'd also want to know what circumstances he's wearing these in. Because if you haven't noticed them in all this time, and you're still regularly washing his boxers, he's clearly wearing these every day for comfort purposes. They are a fetish item. He's lying to you, which is in itself cause for concern.

If it's taken 6 years to get to this point, the rest of it seems very unlikely.

I know in this century we’re supposed to be open minded and non-judgmental but this would make little old fashioned me run for the hill - sorry!

I honestly wouldn’t hinge any decision on Mumsnet responses. Posters here are notoriously judgemental and closed minded about anything that’s remotely ‘different’.
Only you can reflect and decide how you feel about it. He is still the same person. Maybe give him the space and time to feel safe to be open about what he does and how he feels.
For me, it would be the lying that would be a dealbreaker, but in this situation you can understand why he has always felt unable to be honest.
I am lucky that my partner was open and honest about his lifestyle as soon as we met. And that has allowed me to explore parts of me I never had before.
As long as there is open communication and trust, sometimes being authentically you creates the most intimate and loving relationship ever.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Grayson Perry wore a dildo to a children’s charity event while dressed in his womanface fetish. He is not a ‘cool guy’.

OP, look up autogynephilia. This paraphilia always escalates. I am not diagnosing your husband, but if it were me I would demand at the very least that we talk about it and he be honest. If he is an autogynephile, it would be game over.

I wish you the best.

No one has suggested that OP’s partner has changed sex. And there is no “GC position” on anything, other than that sex is binary, real, immutable and important. However, the wearing of women’s underwear is a well documented sexual fetish for men.