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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

528 replies

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 02:17

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
finechettie · 15/02/2026 18:13

NickyKat · 15/02/2026 16:29

Our relationship is generally quite relaxed and caring. We both help out and share most tasks. I know some of his male friends/colleagues have joked that I wear the trousers simply because we share cooking, cleaning, washing - general housework etc. It's one reason I love him - he doesn't mind being seen as different even if his colleagues mock him for it. Which is why it's hard then when he's been hiding being "different" and the stuff he said about what people would think of him if he started crossdressing. Not that he doesn't want to, but that people would think it's weird.

That's what my mind is currently dwelling on. It seems "off" for him to be worried about what others think. But then again I guess wearing women's clothing is frowned upon by society buy men helping with the housework, while still mocked by some men, is generally seen as a positive step.

Talks are still ongoing and I'm trying to keep a level head about it.

Edited

I guess wearing women's clothing is frowned upon by society buy men helping with the housework, while still mocked by some men, is generally seen as a positive step.

You know people who mock men doing housework? That' so strange, how old are you, what culture are you from? Most middle class dads are very hands on with sharing the load at home. It's normal and something many men enjoy.

Juxtaposing men doing housework with men wearing women’s knickers is a little quirky.

BridgertonToBe · 15/02/2026 18:16

finechettie · 15/02/2026 18:13

I guess wearing women's clothing is frowned upon by society buy men helping with the housework, while still mocked by some men, is generally seen as a positive step.

You know people who mock men doing housework? That' so strange, how old are you, what culture are you from? Most middle class dads are very hands on with sharing the load at home. It's normal and something many men enjoy.

Juxtaposing men doing housework with men wearing women’s knickers is a little quirky.

Something seems very off about this. Many men do the housework, my grandfather who was born in the 30s did all the housework, it’s not a new concept.

JMSA · 15/02/2026 18:19

Surely there is nothing more uncomfortable for a man than ladies knickers. Imagine trying to fit it all in Blush
Sorry OP, but it’s a sexual kick/kink rather than a matter of comfort.

SnoopyPajamas · 15/02/2026 18:47

Rolling my eyes at all the Cool Girl, Not Like Other Wives responses, from women who are just so much more kind and understanding than their "hysterical" counterparts who see red flags in this.

Anyway, I'll break down some of OP's responses, as someone in agreement with other posters that it's AGP. It may not ever progress to the full transgender reveal, but it's clearly a fetish and he's clearly lying about it, and you have the right to have got the massive dose of ick and uncertainty that you did, OP.

So here are some things that jumped out at me.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now.

You say you've been together six years, moved in two years ago. It's likely this began then, and it began with him trying on your clothes, when you were out of the house and he had alone time with your wardrobe.

Any items of clothing mysteriously go missing? Become stretched out in odd places? Anything he helpfully took out of the wardrobe and washed for you, that didn't actually need it?

Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online.

So, the fetish has escalated to the thrill of buying them in person. I've worked retail. We all knew the creepy guys who were obviously buying for themselves. If he really wanted discretion, he'd buy online. Read reviews, or take the chance on something not fitting. Visiting lingerie departments, at the time of year when the offerings are most likely to be sexy and appealing to his fetish, is a sign of the fetish escalating.

As I mentioned upthread, this whole idea of him wearing women's underwear for "comfort" is bollocks anyway. There are plenty of styles of men's underwear designed for a more snug fit. Briefs exist. Women's underwear is not designed to accommodate a dick and balls. It is not actually going to be more comfortable for him than something he could find in a men's outlet online without all this secrecy and potential shame. Please wake up. He's spinning you a line.

This is also why he has "more than he realistically needs". It's because buying them is part of the fetish. He gets a creepy little kick out of seeing whether the sales assistant will realise what he's doing, and have to hide her discomfort. Fooling her is fun, and making her uncomfortable is fun. The experience is a win-win for him no matter how it goes, and it's a compulsion. He does it when he needs the thrill, not the underwear.

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself.

And there we have it. He's openly admitting the fetish element here. He's just trying to soften the blow to you by padding it out with all this guff about the "comfort," and "compression".

Wearing women's underwear arouses him. There is no way he hasn't thought about having sex while wearing them. He likely masturbates in them - which is why he's only wearing them "1-2 times a week" and why they're always freshly and secretly washed. And again, he is lying to you about this. So how can you be sure how far the fetish goes?

Can you be sure you're not being played with here? That this "accidental" discovery you made wasn't planned so he could gauge your reaction? That it's not going to escalate, once you've established how open-minded and accepting you are? Can you be sure "functional" underwear won't escalate to lingerie? That "feeling sexy" won't lead to wearing them in the bedroom, now that you've done what he hoped and broached the possibility? What if the knickers start being paired with a bra, "only in the bedroom"? Because, as many women have attested on this thread, there's a real possibility that's where this is going. There's a real possibility he's testing the waters with you. Have a serious think about where your personal comfort level is, and how you might respond if he springs any of that on you.

You're not being a bigot or a prude if the thought makes you uncomfortable. You have every right to your boundaries.

I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He may want extra room down there, to make other activities easier. No fun cutting off the blood supply, is it? Sorry.

His particular fetish may even be to look like a "normal, everyday woman" - or even like you. Just because they're not lacy scanties doesn't mean it's not a fetish. Again, sorry.

There's also the possibility he planted them where you would find as a way to open this conversation between you. In which case, he's starting with the soft option that is least likely to scare you, and is working up to a reveal of his true tastes. Again, I'm sorry. But all of these are real possibilities.

He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one.

I notice he hasn't ruled out wearing other female clothes in private, with you. As part of his fetish. He only wants to keep it behind closed doors.

He has lied to you at least twice already about this, and as others have said, this tends to be a fetish that escalates. I'd be very cautious abou what he's promising you here. Remember, he's already taking this out in public by choosing to buy his underwear in-store. There is no good reason for that. The ones he's given you are absolute bullshit. He's doing that because it's a little thrill and he gets off on it. Do you really think he won't want a bigger thrill at some stage?

Final note: the scenario you give of how this all started? Him "forgetting to pack enough" underwear on a trip away, so he had to borrow yours? That was likely a lie. He likely set the whole thing up, so he could manufacture a situation just like the one you're in now. It all reeks of manipulation.

I know you think he's a great guy, but I think he's playing you like a fiddle. Please don't fall for it. Please be wary. You deserve better than this.

PhaedraWas · 15/02/2026 19:33

finechettie · 15/02/2026 18:13

I guess wearing women's clothing is frowned upon by society buy men helping with the housework, while still mocked by some men, is generally seen as a positive step.

You know people who mock men doing housework? That' so strange, how old are you, what culture are you from? Most middle class dads are very hands on with sharing the load at home. It's normal and something many men enjoy.

Juxtaposing men doing housework with men wearing women’s knickers is a little quirky.

Agreed. That's such a weird take on men sharing household and parenting.

Planner2026 · 15/02/2026 19:35

This is nonsense. You can get soft men’s underwear.

It’s a fetish. Sorry, OP.

PhaedraWas · 15/02/2026 19:35

FrootyCider · 15/02/2026 16:28

Is it a pervasion when I wear sexy pants and short skirts/high heels, in order to feel sexy, or is it only when men do it? I'm just really curious to know what a perversion is, in your view.

You're conforming to societal conditioning about stereotypical female sexiness. This bloke is doing the same but on himself.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/02/2026 19:40

You feeling sexy in a dress because you think you look attractive to others is not remotely similar to a man ejaculating at the thought of him wearing women’s knickers…

CapacityBrown · 15/02/2026 19:48

There's no doubt it's a fetish (I'm open to which one it is as there is a variety), but as others have said, I do question whether the OP is the partner or the man in question himself.

nolongersurprised · 15/02/2026 19:49

finechettie · 15/02/2026 18:13

I guess wearing women's clothing is frowned upon by society buy men helping with the housework, while still mocked by some men, is generally seen as a positive step.

You know people who mock men doing housework? That' so strange, how old are you, what culture are you from? Most middle class dads are very hands on with sharing the load at home. It's normal and something many men enjoy.

Juxtaposing men doing housework with men wearing women’s knickers is a little quirky.

Smells like a humiliation fetish to me.

The OP has overplayed their hand. Men don’t mock other men for cooking dinner.

ETA : although maybe the OP would like to think so

mrsCtheRed · 15/02/2026 19:51

Whether it's a red flag or not in your relationship is totally up to you.
For me, it absolutely would be. Him and his knickers would be out!

NormasArse · 15/02/2026 19:53

I wouldn’t care.

FlockOfGoose · 15/02/2026 20:34

Also you should check where he bought them from. Some of these sort of men like to buy the underwear second-hand. Sorry to point this out. It's disgusting but would add context in terms of the levels of deviancy involved here and help you decide what to do next.

CapacityBrown · 15/02/2026 21:13

The OP is very much "don't call me him Grayson Perry!". Strange stories about him not packing enough underwear, so just naturally borrowed her underwear (instead of just wearing the same underwear for two days or buying some more from a local shop etc).

Perhaps not seeking stories for pleasure, but perhaps either interested in hearing tips on how to hide it from their partner or gaining a kick from pretending to be them on social media?

MsGreying · 15/02/2026 21:20

FlockOfGoose · 15/02/2026 20:34

Also you should check where he bought them from. Some of these sort of men like to buy the underwear second-hand. Sorry to point this out. It's disgusting but would add context in terms of the levels of deviancy involved here and help you decide what to do next.

This is a good point.. are they sold individually or multi packs... In which case is it 16 different pairs?

PithyViewer · 15/02/2026 21:29

SnoopyPajamas · 15/02/2026 18:47

Rolling my eyes at all the Cool Girl, Not Like Other Wives responses, from women who are just so much more kind and understanding than their "hysterical" counterparts who see red flags in this.

Anyway, I'll break down some of OP's responses, as someone in agreement with other posters that it's AGP. It may not ever progress to the full transgender reveal, but it's clearly a fetish and he's clearly lying about it, and you have the right to have got the massive dose of ick and uncertainty that you did, OP.

So here are some things that jumped out at me.

He told me he's been wearing them for a while. I think he said a couple of years now.

You say you've been together six years, moved in two years ago. It's likely this began then, and it began with him trying on your clothes, when you were out of the house and he had alone time with your wardrobe.

Any items of clothing mysteriously go missing? Become stretched out in odd places? Anything he helpfully took out of the wardrobe and washed for you, that didn't actually need it?

Mostly buying them around Christmas or Valentines because it's easier to get the sort he likes from Asda or Sainsbury's. Said he can see how wide the gusset is and what support they'd offer which you can't really do online.

So, the fetish has escalated to the thrill of buying them in person. I've worked retail. We all knew the creepy guys who were obviously buying for themselves. If he really wanted discretion, he'd buy online. Read reviews, or take the chance on something not fitting. Visiting lingerie departments, at the time of year when the offerings are most likely to be sexy and appealing to his fetish, is a sign of the fetish escalating.

As I mentioned upthread, this whole idea of him wearing women's underwear for "comfort" is bollocks anyway. There are plenty of styles of men's underwear designed for a more snug fit. Briefs exist. Women's underwear is not designed to accommodate a dick and balls. It is not actually going to be more comfortable for him than something he could find in a men's outlet online without all this secrecy and potential shame. Please wake up. He's spinning you a line.

This is also why he has "more than he realistically needs". It's because buying them is part of the fetish. He gets a creepy little kick out of seeing whether the sales assistant will realise what he's doing, and have to hide her discomfort. Fooling her is fun, and making her uncomfortable is fun. The experience is a win-win for him no matter how it goes, and it's a compulsion. He does it when he needs the thrill, not the underwear.

He said it's mostly about how they feel and how they make him feel a bit sexy in himself.

And there we have it. He's openly admitting the fetish element here. He's just trying to soften the blow to you by padding it out with all this guff about the "comfort," and "compression".

Wearing women's underwear arouses him. There is no way he hasn't thought about having sex while wearing them. He likely masturbates in them - which is why he's only wearing them "1-2 times a week" and why they're always freshly and secretly washed. And again, he is lying to you about this. So how can you be sure how far the fetish goes?

Can you be sure you're not being played with here? That this "accidental" discovery you made wasn't planned so he could gauge your reaction? That it's not going to escalate, once you've established how open-minded and accepting you are? Can you be sure "functional" underwear won't escalate to lingerie? That "feeling sexy" won't lead to wearing them in the bedroom, now that you've done what he hoped and broached the possibility? What if the knickers start being paired with a bra, "only in the bedroom"? Because, as many women have attested on this thread, there's a real possibility that's where this is going. There's a real possibility he's testing the waters with you. Have a serious think about where your personal comfort level is, and how you might respond if he springs any of that on you.

You're not being a bigot or a prude if the thought makes you uncomfortable. You have every right to your boundaries.

I guess that makes sense with the styles that were in his drawer - none if them are skimpy and he's not exactly huge down there.

He may want extra room down there, to make other activities easier. No fun cutting off the blood supply, is it? Sorry.

His particular fetish may even be to look like a "normal, everyday woman" - or even like you. Just because they're not lacy scanties doesn't mean it's not a fetish. Again, sorry.

There's also the possibility he planted them where you would find as a way to open this conversation between you. In which case, he's starting with the soft option that is least likely to scare you, and is working up to a reveal of his true tastes. Again, I'm sorry. But all of these are real possibilities.

He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird, and he wants this to stay private, just between us. He also confirmed he doesn't see himself as a woman and has no intention of going out dressed as one.

I notice he hasn't ruled out wearing other female clothes in private, with you. As part of his fetish. He only wants to keep it behind closed doors.

He has lied to you at least twice already about this, and as others have said, this tends to be a fetish that escalates. I'd be very cautious abou what he's promising you here. Remember, he's already taking this out in public by choosing to buy his underwear in-store. There is no good reason for that. The ones he's given you are absolute bullshit. He's doing that because it's a little thrill and he gets off on it. Do you really think he won't want a bigger thrill at some stage?

Final note: the scenario you give of how this all started? Him "forgetting to pack enough" underwear on a trip away, so he had to borrow yours? That was likely a lie. He likely set the whole thing up, so he could manufacture a situation just like the one you're in now. It all reeks of manipulation.

I know you think he's a great guy, but I think he's playing you like a fiddle. Please don't fall for it. Please be wary. You deserve better than this.

I wish I could upvote this a thousand times.

GarlicBound · 15/02/2026 22:07

Dgll · 15/02/2026 07:52

Crikey! I think most people would still be single if everyone felt like you do.

I thin this poster, carefully referring to the husband as 'they', was pussyfooting round the same assumption many of us have made - he's cross-dressing, heading towards 'trans'.

GarlicBound · 15/02/2026 22:44

TakeTen · 15/02/2026 14:55

Yes. Something is off here I think.

Some men like to bring their fetishes here.

I was only just starting to think "too many of these faux wide-eyed replies" 🤔 Some of you are far quicker off the mark!

So, for all you knicker perverts fetishists: You look ridiculous with your ballsack oozing out either side of the pants. Ridiculous and, actually, revolting - this is coming from a woman who appreciates the male anatomy. Your penis looks a little sad, all squashed up behind a flat bit of fabric, making the overall effect even more absurd. When it starts to get erect, as I'm sure it does, it's nothing short of hilarious 🤣🤣

It must be really bloody uncomfortable. I gather some of you get off on penis-shame and/or genital stricture. In which case, you're welcome 🤮 and you can thank me with a donation: https://sex-matters.org/take-action/donate/

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WrylyAmused · 15/02/2026 22:49

liveforsummer · 15/02/2026 15:16

How many long term relationships have you even had that a proportion all wore women’s underwear and there were several of them 😅. The dp has admitted he likes the way they make him feel (sexy) not that they feel more comfortable, which obviously they won’t. Due to appendage it’s not possible that women’s underwear is more comfortable for men whereas it is possible that some fitted mens may feel comfortable for women so the 2 things can’t be compared. He only doesn’t want to wear clothes because of how others will view it. There is 100% more to come with this!

5 long term male relationships, each between 3-10yrs. (I'm poly, some of these are/were consensually simultaneous.)

And on reflection, all of them wore female underwear from time to time (as their everyday undies, not for sex purposes or anything), but 2 of them did regularly/daily as they preferred how it felt.

You compare what you like, my (actually quite extensive) lived experience is that it doesn't necessarily escalate and they just liked wearing them. "Comfortable" is subjective anyway. I find tight fitted clothes comfortable. Many people find baggy clothes comfortable. Neither is right or wrong, they're both opinions and people have different opinions.

I don't want to be judged for what clothes I wear, so why is it ok in the other direction? They're clothes. If it was a whole different persona and lifestyle, sure, maybe that's not what you've signed up for. But in my case, it never was, so I am purely offering another option to counter the inevitable "he'll end up cross dressing and then wanting to fully transition and blah blah blah" narrative that always runs here.

WrylyAmused · 15/02/2026 22:55

LadyCrustybread · 15/02/2026 14:35

@WrylyAmusedmost womens underwear isn’t even comfortable for women let alone blokes. Unless they’re wearing shorts style they’d spill out of the gusset… considering the gusset often isn’t wide enough for the anatomy of many vulva.

Unless they all have micropenises I suppose.

As per the response to @liveforsummer , comfortable is subjective, so if they think it is, that's fine for them.

And yes, they did spill out, and I don't think it looks comfortable at all, but it's not my body, so who's to argue, if they say they like it.
I find underwired bras much more comfortable, whereas many women can't stand them - strangely enough, people are different.

And no, they were all very enjoyably endowed, and enthusiastic in practising... So the other fear that is commonly cited, that they won't be adequately "manly", is also bollocks. Good at DIY etc too... It's a clothing preference, not some weird thing that somehow poisons their masculinity.

GhettoSnoopystar · 15/02/2026 23:05

Catza · 15/02/2026 07:39

I don't care about his reasons for wearing them. I am saying we have double standards. If you must know, I absolutely celebrate people having kinks. Again, if a woman came on here expressing that she loves having sex in red cars only, she would hardly be called a pervert. A man wearing a pair of thongs is not newsworthy regardless of reasons.

Oh, I thought so.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 16/02/2026 00:26

BridgertonToBe · 15/02/2026 17:40

How does anyone (male or female) ‘make love’ while wearing knickers??! Confused

I think you need to use a bit of imagination here...

SaltPepperandTomato · 16/02/2026 00:32

WrylyAmused · 15/02/2026 22:49

5 long term male relationships, each between 3-10yrs. (I'm poly, some of these are/were consensually simultaneous.)

And on reflection, all of them wore female underwear from time to time (as their everyday undies, not for sex purposes or anything), but 2 of them did regularly/daily as they preferred how it felt.

You compare what you like, my (actually quite extensive) lived experience is that it doesn't necessarily escalate and they just liked wearing them. "Comfortable" is subjective anyway. I find tight fitted clothes comfortable. Many people find baggy clothes comfortable. Neither is right or wrong, they're both opinions and people have different opinions.

I don't want to be judged for what clothes I wear, so why is it ok in the other direction? They're clothes. If it was a whole different persona and lifestyle, sure, maybe that's not what you've signed up for. But in my case, it never was, so I am purely offering another option to counter the inevitable "he'll end up cross dressing and then wanting to fully transition and blah blah blah" narrative that always runs here.

It seems the men you've had relationships with have a range of kinks that most of us would find unappealing, so maybe we shouldn't be too surprised that they wear women's knickers. If that's what floats your boat, good for you.

I will judge a man negatively if gets his thrills from pretending to be a woman, especially if he expects or forces unwilling women to participate in his fetish.

Most of us want normal monogamous relationships with men who aren't fetishists.

SaltPepperandTomato · 16/02/2026 00:37

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 16/02/2026 00:26

I think you need to use a bit of imagination here...

Not a pleasant thought if it involves a willy and bollocks crammed into frilly knickers! 🤢🤢🤮

InterestedDad37 · 16/02/2026 00:38

Sorry if this is a shock for some of you, but I'd guess 98 % of hetero men, even the manliest 'meat and potatoes' ones will have tried your knickers on at some point. Some genuinely like the way it feels, for some it's just an illicit thrill. It's unusual to buy/wear your own, but it happens! Have you ever worn your partner's boxers? Used his shirt as a dressing gown? What the effing hell is the difference?

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