Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

[NickyKat]

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

Luckily OP is taking a non hysterical approach to this unexpected situation. She knows the personality of DH, none of us do. Provided she is able to get to the point where she feels confident of the meaning of the female underwear and that things won't escalate in a direction she's not comfortable with this could bring the couple closer. If DH does have sensory issues and is a logical problem solver it could be that he is just trying to be comfortable. Maybe it also makes him feel a bit rebellious also because it isn't "meat and potatoes" it could be possible he gets a small harmless thrill out knowing he isn't "supposed" to be wearing woman's undies due to cultural norms especially on MN. Isn't the more important question what is the rest of the relationship like? Perhaps he is more open minded than the "typical" DH which brings other benefits? He may be a much better partner than the "meat and potatoes" ones that a lot of us have.

Of course it doesn’t always equal trans.

Trans isn’t real. Men’s perversions are real.

Nobody here is being hysterical - interesting how often this particular word with its misogynistic history has come up in this thread. Wearing women's underwear doesn't make him more open-minded or a much better partner or particularly deserving of any special consideration. And being turned off by the idea doesn't make any woman narrow-minded, unkind or hysterical. We're allowed to be turned on/off by whatever we like.

Random thought, as DH isn't overly well endowed maybe his chosen style of underwear makes him feel bigger and more masculine because of the way it looks on?

Is it a pervasion when I wear sexy pants and short skirts/high heels, in order to feel sexy, or is it only when men do it? I'm just really curious to know what a perversion is, in your view.

Honestly, the post reads as if written by an AGP with an extra humiliation kink, not by a woman at all...

Our relationship is generally quite relaxed and caring. We both help out and share most tasks. I know some of his male friends/colleagues have joked that I wear the trousers simply because we share cooking, cleaning, washing - general housework etc. It's one reason I love him - he doesn't mind being seen as different even if his colleagues mock him for it. Which is why it's hard then when he's been hiding being "different" and the stuff he said about what people would think of him if he started crossdressing. Not that he doesn't want to, but that people would think it's weird.

That's what my mind is currently dwelling on. It seems "off" for him to be worried about what others think. But then again I guess wearing women's clothing is frowned upon by society buy men helping with the housework, while still mocked by some men, is generally seen as a positive step.

Talks are still ongoing and I'm trying to keep a level head about it.

Honestly, the post reads as if written by an AGP with an extra humiliation kink, not by a woman at all...

It really does.

And a few friends have joined too.

I actually burst out laughing there because I got a vision of the scene in silence of the lambs when the guy tucks his wullie between his legs and dances into the camera 😬😬😬

He sounds like a good partner. I think you're right that although he generally isn't too bothered about what people thinks he's embarrassed about the underwear because it's a much bigger taboo. The fact that he sometimes wears it is consistent with him being open minded though so in a way that's reassuring ie. he personally doesn't think it's a bit deal but he knows that others would disagree.

Everything you have suggested is possible, but given the information OP has given us and the usual pattern of behaviour by AGPs it's extremely unlikely.

What is most likely is that OP's partner is an AGP and if OP thinks living with his fetish is better than life without him, it is reasonable to warn her what her future might look like.

The AGP fetish is incredibly strong. Once in starts to progress, it is almost impossible to reverse. Compliance and affirmation are essential to feed the fetish and prevent meltdowns.

Witness some of the vile hatred and death threats aimed at the likes of JK Rowling and other GC women when their "right" to enter women's spaces are challenged. These men get a kick out of forcing unwilling women to participate in their fetish, which is why they oppose gender-neutral facilities as an alternative to single sex. Using facilities with other men (like wearing men's underwear however silky and soft) doesn't satisfy the fetish.

OP's partner's fetish might never go that far, but her discovery of his (not well hidden) knicker collection has opened the door to the possibility of acceleration of his fetish and her forced participation in it.

This could be a possibility however I think the next question which only OP can answer would be, is DH someone she believes to be a truthful, respectful trustworthy and empathetic human being? If the answer is yes that she can find out fairly easily whether this is the tip of the iceberg or something much more minor by talking with DH. If he is deceitful, selfish, manipulative that's a different story but he doesn't sound like that kind of person so far.

Lots of harsh replies and contradictions on this thread. 'He's being secretive, it's a kink and he secretly wants to dress as a woman' and 'I'm so disgusted I'd leave him'.. it could be that he likes womens underwear and that's it, and hides it because there is a chance that no matter how good the rest of the relationship is, his partner will still leave over this.

Lots of hypocrisy here from women who wear mens items of clothing for no other reason than they like to, not because they want to pass as a man or get a sexual thrill out of it.

I'd be wanting to understand when and where he did this and how long he has done it (if he has done it for 20 years without it going any further, it's not likely to) and if there were any sexual element to it before making any decisions

By Jove, I think you've got it!

I’m really surprised more people can’t see it!

He's already said he feels sexy wearing it and hasn't thought about making love while wearing knickers but hasn't ruled it out.

The only pertinent question is how much porn he's consuming. I'm willing to bet a rather large amount of money that he's got a porn addiction that he's also hidden from the OP.

That’s disgusting

A lot of the men trying to get into women's spaces don't even have AGP, they just use the trans identity as an excuse to gain access.

If tomorrow they said aliens could use the women's toilets a lot of men would suddenly identity as extraterrestrial.

How does anyone (male or female) ‘make love’ while wearing knickers??!

He works with people who take the piss because he does some of the housework? There are still men who think like that?

OP - please can you find out or explain how, if this is purely an uncomfortable underwear issue, your partner ended up going into the women's section rather than trying to find a pair of pants in the male underwear department. How did it even occur to him that women's underwear was what he needed?

@HappyBunny38 "Grayson Perry's doc on masculinity might help to give a different perspective, he's an artist who likes to wear women's clothes sometimes but he also has a strong marriage with a woman and seems like a pretty cool and masculine guy otherwise."

Nah, it's a kink and he gets off on it. He said wearing a dress makes him cum, and sometimes he finds it hard to finish interviews etc because he gets so "excited". This is the man who stood grinning his head off with a dildo strapped to him (to look like an erect penis) at a charity event for children dying of cancer. He was the guest of honour and the organisers were upset. Someone else has already posted a photo of the incident. How cool is that? Ralph Harris had a long, strong marriage too. Don't be fooled

Come on, listen to yourself. You feeling sexy wearing a dress is not the same. Women are supposed to wear dresses. Men aren’t. Why on earth would wearing knickers make a man feel sexy? What, he looks really hot in knickers? Like a real babe? How exactly does a man feel ‘sexy’ wearing knickers for goodness sakes?

How disgusting. You would think as he’s so open about this it would make people more aware of AGPs and that it all comes down to a fetish.

Love your rational writing style cuts right through all the bs on here 👏