Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

[NickyKat]

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

Been there, done that, got the Tshirt.

I had immediate ick when found out the “secret stash” (and yes, mostly plain women’s underwear, it doesn’t have to be frilly to be kinky).

but I was young (and I didn’t know anything about AGP then) so I tried to get through it.

in my case it never escalated to transitioning or cross dressing in public (10 year relationship, no kids) but it made for a miserable sex life as what really turned him on was sissy sex and I just wasn’t. He tried to contain it mostly, but did blame me for being “narrow-minded” so I’d try to participate (unsuccessfully) at times.

OP, from my experience I don’t accept that he has never thought about making love in them, or it’s not sexual for him. Both responses he gave you in regard to that are just testing the waters.

but you might still be ok with “sissy sex”/AGP stuff - apparently my exs previous partners were… but just know that if you have an ick, it’s imo not possible to get over.

we had sex therapy, read books about kinks etc and while I could understand where his kink came from (childhood issues, often the case) and didnt shame him for it - it just didn’t work for me and that should have been the end of it!! But I didn’t know at the time. Wish someone had told me.

all the best whatever you decide.

Check the loft/shed/gym bag for wigs and outfits.

Google AGP. Autogynaphylia.

Completely agree. This will be the tip of the iceberg. Women’s knickers aren’t more comfortable for a man as there is no room for his genitalia

don’t accept that he has never thought about making love in them, or it’s not sexual for him. Both responses he gave you in regard to that are just testing the waters

100% this!

How do you feel about your DP getting off on wearing ladies knickers?
I suspect it gives you the "ick" to some degree or you wouldnt be asking MN opinions.
Honestly it smacks of AGP and that will escalate .......

Yes, I don’t know means yes. If it was no he’d say no. It’s clearly nothing to do with comfort.

Op is a frog. In a pan. The water is getting warmer.

There's a few male posters on this thread.

Why doesn't he buy men's underwear in silk or high-end cotton if he likes the feel of the fabric? It's not exactly hard to find, is it?

Obviously the OP doesn’t have to live with this if it’s a dealbreaker for her.

However, it is quite simply not true that having a kink for underwear = trans. It just isn’t. There are thousands and thousands of men who have a fetish for women’s underwear and have zero interest in dressing as women or being a woman. It is a very common kink.

Men are conditioned all their lives to associate women’s knickers with sex. Loads of men like handling them, wanking with them/on them or wearing them. Obviously plenty of women find that gross and that’s entirely fair enough but the level of obsessive trans-panic on Mumsnet is utterly insane and OTT and weirdly naive about sexuality.

AGP. Fetish. <shudder>

If this is actually about your partner, get away from him. I’m dubious though, lots of sickos around.

Looking in from the outside, I'd still be a bit sceptical, though I might feel differently it I were hearing it from someone I knew and trusted. It's just that there are many options between loose boxers and women's knickers. There are men's briefs that are made from a silky material and fit tightly so everything is held in place snugly ('compressed'). Why not try those before taking the leap to women's underwear?

And you mentioned that one had a bow. That's certainly not necessary, if all he's after is the fabric feel and tighter fit. I haven't worn underwear with bows on since I was a little girl (barring maybe one or two lacy pairs bought for me by DH earlier in our relationship). It's not difficult to find knickers without bows.

I just don't know if I'd ever feel the same way about a man in this situation.

You can also cut the bows off ( held on by 2 tiny stitches) so there's no reason to keep them on.....unless you like girly pants

Ask him to show you his web browser history and bookmarks, and the messaging app on his phone. If he can conceal this who knows what else he's hiding.

@NickyKat
Several of my long term male relationships have preferred wearing female underwear, and have done so as their regular daily underwear.

None of them were full on cross dressers or became trans, none of them escalated it or brought it into the bedroom. They just liked wearing women's underwear, same as I actually wear men's fitted cotton boxers a lot of the time cos I prefer how they feel.

And they were perfectly "manly" in every respect that mattered.

So that is also a perfectly possible thing, to counter the hysteria that arises every time this topic is discussed here.

Oh give over. He’s already admitted to there being a sexual element to it.

@WrylyAmusedmost womens underwear isn’t even comfortable for women let alone blokes. Unless they’re wearing shorts style they’d spill out of the gusset… considering the gusset often isn’t wide enough for the anatomy of many vulva.

Unless they all have micropenises I suppose.

He wears little girl outfits. Not women's. I'd suggest that one person's 'cool and masculine' could be another person's 'creepy and concerning'. His 'strong marriage' is irrelevant. Personally he gives me the dry heaves.

https://www.spiked-online.com/2024/01/03/grayson-perry-when-crossdressing-crosses-the-line/

The part that stood out to me:

"He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird,"

People. But, not him.

Could he not go for counselling to help him sort this out; counselling for OP to deal with it; and then the two of them couples therapy to figure out the way forward, whatever that means?

Several of my long term male relationships have preferred wearing female underwear, and have done so as their regular daily underwear.

Really? Several? Where are you picking your partners up from?

Yes. Something is off here I think.

Some men like to bring their fetishes here.

Yes, quite

They just liked wearing women's underwear, same as I actually wear men's fitted cotton boxers a lot of the time cos I prefer how they feel

So OP's bloke thinks women's underwear feels better but hey, men's underwear feels better. The name of this brand is a bit of a clue that, generally underwear designed with the presence or absence of balls will be more comfortable depending on whether you have or don't have balls.

www.myoddballs.com/collections/him-individuals

A lot of women’s underwear designs are not even comfortable for women! Impractical designs for everyday, uncomfortable styles, itchy fabric. Unfortunately a few decades ago someone decided comfortable pants were for ‘old ladies’ and shops catered accordingly. Why a man would wear them when their underwear is much more practical (and made for their anatomy) is beyond me.

How many long term relationships have you even had that a proportion all wore women’s underwear and there were several of them 😅. The dp has admitted he likes the way they make him feel (sexy) not that they feel more comfortable, which obviously they won’t. Due to appendage it’s not possible that women’s underwear is more comfortable for men whereas it is possible that some fitted mens may feel comfortable for women so the 2 things can’t be compared. He only doesn’t want to wear clothes because of how others will view it. There is 100% more to come with this!

"He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. "

A lot of underwear (think Calvin Klein) is of a similar style for men and women, but with obvious different fits to deal with the different anatomy. He could easily buy the male versions of all of those, but doesn't. The very fact that the label says "for women" is what is getting him off.

He's admitted "sexy" feelings whilst wearing them. It is a fetish. It may not be a trans related fetish, but at the very least he is sexualising an item of clothing worn by women.

But the comments in regards to full blown cross-dressing do indicate that he could very easily be led down the trans path.

1. he genuinely finds women’s underwear more comfortable and that’s all there is to it. (V unlikely as he was secretive about it and admitted he finds it sexy. Also I cannot see how cramming your bits into a gusset which is not designed to accommodate the equipment being more comfortable than men’s pants, literally designed for this purpose)
2. he wears them because it turns him on but he has no intention of bringing this into the bedroom and is happy to just wear them privately and for that to be enough (unlikely. He’s already said lied that he hasn’t considered wearing them during sex but I would hazard a guess that is simply not true)
3. now this is “out” he will start to broach the subject of him wearing them during sex or making them part of foreplay (probable. His protestations he wears them for comfort only and has never really considered them a turn on do not add up at all. I would guess there is more to come)
4. this is the tip of the iceberg. Either he is already or is thinking about more ways to satisfy a sexual urge to dress as a woman. He’ll be dressed as Frank-N-Furter before you know it (possible, but not necessarily probable).

I suppose OP has to consider where her boundaries lie. For me 1 seems too improbable to be true. 2 I’d be very sceptical about. 3 or 4 more likely and I’d not be up for either of those. It would be Dragons Den for me (“I’m out”).