Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

[NickyKat]

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

Clearly you know absolutely nothing about autogynephilia. Please look it up and also look up trans widows before spouting such ignorant nonsense again.

Take it from someone who has been exactly where you are before: it's a paraphilia.

Paraphilias escalate.

There's a very high chance that first he'll be wanting you to participate in having sex with him 'en femme'. Then he'll be wanting threesomes, or he'll be wanting to go out and find other people he can be 'en femme' with, or he'll wait till you're pregnant and trapped with him before he claims he was always a transwoman.

I know it's a lot to take in. May I suggest that you ask to see his phone history and his laptop history? I'll put money on him watching sissy porn or chatting about his fetish on Reddit.

When men are caught, they admit to the bare minimum, then more and more and more comes out.

Please look after yourself. Head to the trans widows site and you'll get plenty of support from women who have been through what you are going through now.

You have plenty of options. You don't have to stay with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Women instinctively get the ick for reasons of self preservation, so you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to come here and talk about it.

Vile. He's a pervert, and I couldn't continue this relationship.

As far as fetishes go, wearing frilly knickers is fairly tame.
In the current day and age though, I'd be very concerned that he was going to fully troon out on you and you will feel that you have to be kind etc etc.

Preferring the fabric is bullshit, because obviously you can get mens underwear in all sorts of fabrics and styles, and lots of blokes have silky pants and plenty of men like a thong for the compression etc, but yknow, just ones that are actually designed for blokes. He wants to pretend that he's a woman though and likes to feel he has a kinky secret.
I think now you are in on his secret, he will ramp it up.
Keep your boundaries strong about what you like and what you don't.

And that’s fine. I’m not saying everyone has to be into it. I’m objecting to the way the behaviour is being demonised. Which by the sounds of it OP introduced it. So it’s fine for them to to enjoy it together but if his continuing to like it means he has a problem

Couple of points:

"He doesn't know if he wants to have sex when wearing knickers" - I asked him directly and his reply was he didn't know. It simply hasn't crossed his mind until I asked about it.

"He feels sexy without it necessarily being sexual" - I often go out to parties and events wearing a sexy dress. It makes me feel sexy. It does not mean that I want to have sex - i.e. sexy and sexual are two different things.

That being said, I still don't know what I'm wanting to do. I think I can accept it but if it escalated then I don't think I'd be comfortable. But then love isn't always easy anyway - for both parties.

If he likes the tightness and compression why isn't he wearing mens pants in a tight style and a size small. Or a ballet dancers belt, nothing more compressing and shaping than that and very easy to buy online . It's because it's a fetish

Yes it is a red flag, it’s autogynephilia: this is men who get off thinking of themselves as women. It’s incredibly narcissistic and misogynist.

He’s keeping it secret because he’s rightfully embarrassed. He will no doubt play the victim and act like you’re uptight and cruel.

For some, clothes are enough, but for many, it’s an addiction and they become trans. They describe it as like falling in love with their female alter ego.

Oh OP 😞

At least read some of the trans widows’ testimonies

You can get boxers that are soft nice material. He isn’t doing it for the material.

It hasn't crossed his mind to want to have sex whilst wearing them. Oh come on. He's been wanking to that thought for months. Now you've said it out loud he'll weedle it into things once you've had a couple of weeks to get used to the knickers in the drawer . I'd bet my house on it.

"he gets an erection thinking about himself as a little girl"

And yet we're not allowed to "shame" him for that? Why not. It's shameful.

As long as you're ok with it. Personally I wouldn't be able to have sex with him ever again but that's neither here or there.

Op this is all brand new for you. You only found out yesterday. Be kind to yourself.

You don't have to anything drastic like kicking him out today, but please do more research.

He's already showing signs of escalation. First he said the pants were just comfy. Now he's admitting they make him feel sexy. He may well be getting you used to these pants before he reveals his more blatantly fetishy ones, or admits that he's been wearing your underwear.

I think all those criticising the guy I think you have gone overboard with your comments. The guy is not hiding his choice of underwear under the floorboards. They are openly in the drawer with the rest of his underwear. I am sure many men have a similar fetish. Or wear feminine type pants simply because they like the feel of the material or for practical reasons being they are more comfortable to wear with our bits and bobs, Even if they make him feel sexy that does not mean he has gay feeling. Look how many women dress in so called masculine clothes, hats, suits, shirts and ties, does that mean the have lesbian tendencies?

@NickyKat just to add- this is the first step. Next thing you know he'll buy wonderbra and makeup.

No one has said he’s gay.

Not a single poster.

This onestly wouldnt bother ne

It wouldn't be a big deal to me, it's just clothing. My husband has put mine on and paraded around the house, it was quite fun! It doesn't make him any less manly, it's most likely a little kink.

Thats a nice coat 😆 🤣

How would women's underwear, cut for women's bodies be more comfortable with men's "bits & bobs"? I would have thought the opposite

AGP follows a distinct pattern. He's already testing the water and will simply break down your boundaries.

The fact you think there's an equivalence to you feeling sexy (attractive) in a nice dress that everyone can see to him feeling sexy (erotic) when he's got his penis pressed against knickers, which noone can see, shows he's already got into your mind

Sorry to hear that! I’ll consider myself further educated.

This. He already sees a woman as a degrading costume. It's just a matter of time before he'll be asking the OP to humiliate him while he's dressed as a woman

What I'm trying to understand is:

How did he realise this about that type of knickers in the first place?

If I put myself in his place - I'm a woman, so if the underwear I wore was not feeling right or supportive enough, I would automatically try different styles of female underwear to try and rectify this. I would not go to the men's section and start buying them to try.

I actually have been in this situation with both knickers and bras. I ended up trying lots of different styles until I found ones that work for me. It never occurred to me to try the men's section for pants.

My ex decided he needed more support and he found a style of men's pants that suited him. I don't think it occurred to him to think about female underwear.

So, having considered all that, I can only assume there is some type of sexualisation and fetishism going on.

His response to your questioning about whether he wants to wear women's clothes is also a red flag, IMO.

He didn't say he isn't interested in wearing women's clothes. He said:

'He doesn't want to wear other female clothes because people would think it's weird...'

This reads as someone who would wear them if he could be assured that everyone else would be okay with it and wouldn't react negatively.

I would start reading and listening to (podcasts/YouTube) the experiences of trans widows. Educate yourself so that you can analyse this and his future responses with that possibility in mind.