To think this is very odd/weird?

[GlamBee]

One of my friends has been having a stressful time with work (I’ve never worked with her, we are just friends but before Christmas I was aware that she was letting work stress affect her personal life) recently and has been letting this stress affect her personal life. And since then she hasn’t spoke to me in around 4 weeks and our other mutual friends have said that they haven’t heard from her or spoke to her in around 4 weeks too. She’s ignoring all my calls and messages and she’s ignoring other peoples calls and messages according to mutual friends too.

There is one mutual friend she is definitely still speaking to though as there are photos on Facebook of them going to the theatre and meeting up with each others children etc. I’ve messaged that mutual friend saying I know they are in contact with my friend and I’m concerned about her and is she ok and the only reply I’ve received is “thanks for your concerns and support. I’m in daily contact with her and I was already aware of most of your concerns (what’s going on and why she’s stressed) about her from her directly but I’ve told her that you’ve messaged saying you’re concerned about her and I’ve discussed everything with her and her husband but it’s not my place to comment further. Thanks” and that’s all they’ve said about if my friend is ok or not and the mutual friend hasn’t answered my reply to their message either. My friend still hasn’t contacted me directly and is ignoring my calls and messages and all other mutual friends have said they haven’t spoken to her recently either and their calls and messages are being ignored too. It’s not like my friend at all to ignore everyone like this.

AIBU to think this is really odd/weird? And that it’s weird/odd that the mutual friend who is in contact with her didn’t tell me if she’s ok or not? AIBU?

It tells you what your friend wants you to know.

You are not owed anything, stop pushing it before you find yourself without this friend due to your suffocating and entitled behaviour. It sounds like the only thing you would accept is talking to your friend yourself which she clearly doesn’t want to do, stop trying to make her do somthing she isn’t ok doing just for your selfishness.

I agree with this.
Be honest with yourself - what is it you want? Bearing in mind that she clearly doesn't want to talk to you.

It's actually none of your business though.
I get that you care and want reassurance about it and it is coming from a good place, but you really need to understand that for whatever reason, she doesn't want your attention and she doesn't want you to know what's happening with her.
She is entitled to privacy and you are crossing the line now into nosiness and intrusiveness.

Let it go.

Tbh, I can totally get the frustration, and it isn't a nice feeling when someone isn't interested in your friendship anymore and you still like them. I've had it myself before.
The fact still remains though, you aren't owed an update on her life.

OP I had this a few years ago, one friend just stopped talking to me out of nowhere but stayed talking to another 'friend' of ours. Turns out the other 'friend' was dripping poison in my actual friends ear about me (and about everyone else in fact) and isolated this friend to the point of no return. She never spoke to me again and I heard through the grapevine the shite the middle 'friend' was spouting but she believed it so I just let it go and walked away. Sadly there is nothing you can do if this friend wont talk to you directly and I think you will have to just let it go. Sad when it happens but life is life.

Can't you just leave her alone? 🙄

This.

Yeah I suspect that too. You can often tell which posters are ND based on their stubborn, repetitive replies despite the majority of people persuading them otherwise.

This would also easily explain why that friend chose not to confide in her because the friendship was a lot more one-sided that OP realises. It's not unusual for people who come across as very blunt, intense or unable to read social cues to be eventually defriended by those around them. I don't think this applies to just ND-NT friendships either. Some ND people are more than capable of learning social cues and understand what sort of behaviour is appropriate in certain situations. They may just as easily get exhausted by ND peers who cannot regulate their behaviour.

'thanks for your concerns and support. I’m in daily contact with her and I was already aware of most of your concerns (what’s going on and why she’s stressed) about her from her directly but I’ve told her that you’ve messaged saying you’re concerned about her and I’ve discussed everything with her and her husband but it’s not my place to comment further. Thanks.'

It's smug and here is why:

Insincere thanks

Boast - I am in touch with her 'daily'; you are not. I'm 'in', you are 'out'

I know what's going on from her directly so I am closer to her than you are

Told her and her husband that you messaged but they aren't interested ('not my place to comment further' insinuating they are not saying nice things about you)

If the friend had no agenda, the message would read more like this:

'Hi, sorry that Sally hasn't been in touch. Honestly she's okay, just needs a bit of time and space at the moment and I'm sure will be in touch when she's ready. I will speak to her gently when the time is right about how concerned her friends are but in the meantime please don't worry about her, honestly she is okay and her husband is taking good care of her.'

I think you are getting a very hard time here, I think it's obvious that this 'friend' is enjoying having your friend to herself.

Hopefully, your friend will come to realise that her old friends do genuinely care about her well-being. But honestly, pushing it anymore at the moment is only going to boost the mutual friend's position as 'gatekeeper' of your friend. You need to let it go and have faith in the friendship that you know is deep-rooted.

If anything, just put a card in the post to her to say that you miss her and then absolutely draw a line under it. Do not contact the mutual friend or the husband again. The mutual friend will use this against you.

Do NOT put a card in the post. The OPs behaviour is bordering on harassment as it is.

Exactly!

I’m not harassing her.

I think you are.

Leave her alone.

She's entitled to go no-contact. She doesn't want to communicate with you. It's not up to you.

OP is there anything you and the other friends of hers did which could have annoyed her and sent her confiding in her more recent friend? A night out she didn’t know about or a holiday away she wasn’t invited to?

Phoning and texting her, phoning and texting various friends asking about her. Phoning and texting her husband. In spite of being told they are aware you are trying to contact them but don’t want to talk further. But you’re not harassing them?

Theres no way for anyone here to know what’s actually going on. Maybe it is OP being too much but I have known a friend to be isolated by another new friend, her DH didn’t get involved. All you can do is wait it out OP, your friend knows you’re there.
FWIW I read the mutual friends message as a bit smug too. It doesn’t seem like a friendly and natural reply anyway.

I was in Hospital for 8 weeks and I only let my family visit (DH and DC) and only 1 of my friends. It was a self preservation thing. I couldn't deal mentally with two many people. Maybe something like that

You’re like a fucking bulldozer!

You only seem to want to know that she’s ok. She’s not ok but she just doesn’t want to talk to you. Get over it.

This!

mumsnet is weird btw where you’ll be the bad guy for being concerned.

The friend and the mutual friend would have blocked the OP by now if they felt they were being harassed.

It’s a sign of poor mental health. She isn’t doing well at the moment and has one safe friend she can cope with. It’s nice that you care. Send a card letting her know you care and are around no matter what.
when I struggled mentally I withdrew from friendships, and some people disappeared, but the real friends let me know they were there and didn’t judge, and we are friends to this day, years later.

I suspect that will happen very soon...

But the OP isn't concerned. Or she's concerned, yes, but only because she feels downgraded as a friend because a mutual friend is still in touch with the depressed/stressed friend and knows the inside story, but the OP doesn't and the mutual friend isn't spilling as the Op wants her to.

This seems to be primarily 'Why isn't she making the effort with ME?' masquerading as concern.

I agree. It definitely comes across as "but I want to know everything" rather than "OK I've established she has support, that's fine"