To think this is very odd/weird?

[GlamBee]

One of my friends has been having a stressful time with work (I’ve never worked with her, we are just friends but before Christmas I was aware that she was letting work stress affect her personal life) recently and has been letting this stress affect her personal life. And since then she hasn’t spoke to me in around 4 weeks and our other mutual friends have said that they haven’t heard from her or spoke to her in around 4 weeks too. She’s ignoring all my calls and messages and she’s ignoring other peoples calls and messages according to mutual friends too.

There is one mutual friend she is definitely still speaking to though as there are photos on Facebook of them going to the theatre and meeting up with each others children etc. I’ve messaged that mutual friend saying I know they are in contact with my friend and I’m concerned about her and is she ok and the only reply I’ve received is “thanks for your concerns and support. I’m in daily contact with her and I was already aware of most of your concerns (what’s going on and why she’s stressed) about her from her directly but I’ve told her that you’ve messaged saying you’re concerned about her and I’ve discussed everything with her and her husband but it’s not my place to comment further. Thanks” and that’s all they’ve said about if my friend is ok or not and the mutual friend hasn’t answered my reply to their message either. My friend still hasn’t contacted me directly and is ignoring my calls and messages and all other mutual friends have said they haven’t spoken to her recently either and their calls and messages are being ignored too. It’s not like my friend at all to ignore everyone like this.

AIBU to think this is really odd/weird? And that it’s weird/odd that the mutual friend who is in contact with her didn’t tell me if she’s ok or not? AIBU?

What do you think the friend should have said instead?

I agree.

Leave her alone.

I also think it’s weird that the only response was from the mutual friend and nothing from my friend directly. Not even just a quick message from her to say she needs space or anything, nothing at all.

That’s a perfectly normal response. You don’t need to be keeping everyone in the loop when you have difficult things going on, and you reconnected with everyone else when you had the bandwidth. The OP is clearly aggrieved at not being in the ‘inner circle’ of her friend’s tough time.

You keep saying this, as though you think she’s being forced to withdraw from you by external forces. Accept that, like it or not, this is her choice? It may not fit with your prior ideas of ‘what she’s like’, but this clearly is ‘what she’s like’ at the moment.

She's probably learned that if you're given an inch, you'll try to take a mile. The only thing that she can do, to avoid being barraged by you, is to completely cut you off.

That involves headspace and the potential for a conversation back and forth. I couldnt cope with that at the time. At times SM would portray me as normal being with my friend drinking in a beer garden, it was just a change of scenery and trying not to let my issues take over my entire life.

That is sad but yes have others have said leave her for now

Perhaps she feels suffocated by you? And it's not the friends place to tell you what's going on, it's private and she's just politely letting you know she's passed on concerns but is respecting the fact your mutual friend doesn't want it discussed with others.

You are just saying the same thing over and over. You are not listening to anyone who says to leave her be and you say the same thing yet again. What is the point of your post?

Cancer
Depression
Divorce
Dying family member
Sick child
Miscarriage
@GlamBee It could be anything really. And she doesn't want to speak to anyone about it except one friend. So please all of you leave her alone! She will get back to you when she feels better.

OP I really understand where you are coming from ,you are concerned that your friend is acting very out of character. Maybe just leave her for now and message her in a couple of weeks just to say hi . It’s lovely that she has friends that care.

Your replies are always a 'we', so you're a collective. If she contacts one of you, she will feel she needs to contact all of you and probably thinks you will all be gossiping about it (sounds like you already are). That takes a lot more mental energy than just having to deal with one friend. Give her space. I get the feeling you're not actually all that concerned, you're just wondering why she has chosen this particular friend to stay in touch with.

Because it's not her place.

She's obviously following the friend's instructions.

FYI my husband was diagnosed with cancer just over a week ago.

We're devastated and haven't even begun to get our heads around it, but we're going out of a meal on Wednesday that was booked weeks ago.

Whatever is going on, your friend will probably tell you if/when she's ready.

But it's not the other friend's place to say or do anymore.

Agree. A friend of over 40 years has some problems going on at the moment. She said in December she’d update me with news if she had any. I’ve left her alone. She knows I’m here if she needs me x

She's entitled to not speak to people for a while. Just leave her be.

The other friend saying she was in 'daily contact and had discussed everything with her and her husband' wasn't being especially helpful. Almost sounding smug that she's in on some big secret or something. If it's 'not her place' to comment why say the first bit about daily contact and discussions with husband?

So yeah I'd find her a bit odd tbh. She could've just said ' I have heard from her a bit and she seems OK. I'll try and pass on your message that you'd like to speak to her.' which would be more neutral though still not 'outing'.

If it's 'not her place' to comment why say the first bit about daily contact and discussions with husband?

She may have meant it in a reassuring way.

It's up to others how they interpret it I guess.

She obviously can't cope with some aspect of the relationship right now (we won't be able to tell you exactly what that is). However, your use of language "she was letting stress affect her personal life" makes is sound like you thought she was making poor choices and not getting control of her actions/emotions, it doesn't come across as very sympathetic. We all get overwhelmed sometimes, it's not a sign of poor self-control.

She's getting support, so I don't think you need to worry at this stage. I'm afraid the only thing you can do is back-off, let her know via the friend that you hope she's doing better and you respect her need for space. The fact that she's doing this probably shows that she is taking control and cutting out any unnecessary stresses from her life.

OP, I think you are getting a hard time on here. I’m not sure why but I have noticed a pattern on here of threads like this ending in the OP taking a lot of flack. I think
people assume that the poster must have done something wrong or have some character flaw, that they are unaware of, that has lead to the friend cutting them out. And that’s not always the case.

A similar thing happened to me years ago when a ‘good’ friend suddenly cut me and a number of other people out of her life completely with no explanation or apparent reason. It hurt a lot and I still wonder what the hell made her do that. I was very worried about her for some time but I had to accept that she didn’t want to speak to me anymore.

You have made it clear to her that you are concerned and that you are here for her if she needs you. You need to back of now and leave her be. You cannot force someone to give you an explanation if they don’t want to.

Yes, I read it as: there is something going on, but her husband and I are both supporting her through it, so no need to worry.

I'm also willing to bet that she made this message with full knowledge of the friend she's supporting. There's obviously something deeper and more involved going on here, and I don't think she'd go behind friend's back without checking first.

OP has just got to accept that her friend has asked for space, by her actions and also getting the massage via this other person - she doesn't want to make any contact.

Yeah I guess. But the bit about 'seeing her daily and discussing everything with her and her husband'. It's giving enough information for you to feel like something serious might have happened, also ensuring it's clear this friend is fully in the loop. Which just makes it worse almost?

True but she may well have been writing what her friend asked her to or approved.

Either way it's a worrying time for the OP but she and her other friends are just going to have to wait until they're brought into the loop, however long it may take.

She doesn't want to talk to you otherwise she would

I wish I lived in a world where going to the theatre was an indication that someone was 'fine'!

I agree, and I think something serious has happened. Chronic stress can be very serious indeed and detrimental to both physical and psychological health. Perhaps OP and her other friends had not picked up on this, and thought it was just a bit of work stress that "she letting affect her personal life."

The fact that this friend mentions daily visits and working with the husband is not supposed to be a boast, it means they are both working really hard together to support her whilst she pulls herself out of it.

It's absolutely awful for those being kept out who cannot help. People do these things when they just can't cope - it's not meant to hurt anyone.