To think this is very odd/weird?

[GlamBee]

One of my friends has been having a stressful time with work (I’ve never worked with her, we are just friends but before Christmas I was aware that she was letting work stress affect her personal life) recently and has been letting this stress affect her personal life. And since then she hasn’t spoke to me in around 4 weeks and our other mutual friends have said that they haven’t heard from her or spoke to her in around 4 weeks too. She’s ignoring all my calls and messages and she’s ignoring other peoples calls and messages according to mutual friends too.

There is one mutual friend she is definitely still speaking to though as there are photos on Facebook of them going to the theatre and meeting up with each others children etc. I’ve messaged that mutual friend saying I know they are in contact with my friend and I’m concerned about her and is she ok and the only reply I’ve received is “thanks for your concerns and support. I’m in daily contact with her and I was already aware of most of your concerns (what’s going on and why she’s stressed) about her from her directly but I’ve told her that you’ve messaged saying you’re concerned about her and I’ve discussed everything with her and her husband but it’s not my place to comment further. Thanks” and that’s all they’ve said about if my friend is ok or not and the mutual friend hasn’t answered my reply to their message either. My friend still hasn’t contacted me directly and is ignoring my calls and messages and all other mutual friends have said they haven’t spoken to her recently either and their calls and messages are being ignored too. It’s not like my friend at all to ignore everyone like this.

AIBU to think this is really odd/weird? And that it’s weird/odd that the mutual friend who is in contact with her didn’t tell me if she’s ok or not? AIBU?

It didn’t come across in a reassuring way to me.

Well it wouldn't because you're dying to know what's wrong with your friend, and her other friend isn't telling you.

But that doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be reassuring.

Exactly.

I think she probably did “approve” the wording but obviously I don’t know.

Maybe it was meant to be reassuring then but it just didn’t come across that way to me.

OP hasn’t come across as ‘dying’ to know. She is concerned for her friend.

This. I’m just concerned, I’m not “dying” to know for any other reason. I’m just concerned for my friend and want to know if she’s ok.

Yes and so therefore dying to know 😳

Either way she'll find out if/when her friend wants her to.

It's just a waiting game but meanwhile, she should be reassured her friend and her friend's husband has someone to lean on.

My friend told me that when she's depressed, she can't deal with people and just stays away from everyone until she feels better.

That's fine but we're no longer as close. I felt hurt and unwanted. It's also really one-way - what if I needed friendship and help but she was hiding? I guess I'm coming over quite judgemental but it's essentially ruined our friendship.

I’m just concerned about my friend.

Your concern , whilst genuine, may seem claustrophobic to your friend.

If one of my friends behaved like this about me I would hate it. I would feel pressured and controlled and would definitely back off and reduce contact.

If she wants to contact you she will. She doesn't owe you her time or an explanation.

It doesn't sound like that. This thread comes across as you being very nosy that something has "happened" and clearly annoyed you were left out of the loop. Some people thrive on the misery of others and secretly enjoy it when misfortune or drama befalls someone they know so they can swoop in and save the day. It also makes them feel secretly superior because they have their life together and can be the saviour friend. Or it just gives them juicy gossip to spread to others (oooh have you hear xxx is depressed, so awful etc etc).

If that friend truly reciprocated your friendship then she would have told you ages ago what was going on. However we all have a sixth sense for grief vulture friends who want to hear tales of woe so they can feel better about themselves or use it as a virtue signalling situation to prove how good of a friend they are.

Sorry to hear what’s happened OP but I don’t think there’s much you can do. Perhaps she had a breakdown and can’t manage lots of people/messages/ contact.

the friend is someone she’s supported so maybe had certain bond. Maybe they’ve gone through similar. It’s reassuring that they’ve been to the cinema so she must be sort of ok. And the the friend is in regular contact.

a lot of people who have depression (not saying this is what it is but could be) come across as quite selfish.

its hard - but leave her be. She’ll get in contact if and when. But maybe not. You also need to think whether this is a good friend who is now ghosting you?

That’s absolutely not my thought process at all. I am genuinely just concerned about my friend.

You keep saying ‘we’ are concerned - i wonder if she thinks you and others are gossiping about her. That would stop me confiding in you and probably make me annoyed enough to ignore a message. If you or any of the ‘we’ are speculating or talking about how it could be work stress then that’s definitely going to come across as gossiping no matter what your motive for talking about it was.

I don’t want to know what’s going on in order to gossip! I want to know because I’m genuinely concerned about my friend. I also worry about this other friend she’s still in contact with and why the only contact I’ve had is from them and not from my friend.

Because she doesn't want to talk to you or the others right now.

Why are you worried about that?

It sounds as though she's putting herself first, just as she should do.

I’m beginning to wonder if this thread is real. OP has said the word “concerned” so many times now.

OP - she’s chosen a friend to confide with and that’s ok. That’s her choice and I think you need to respect that. I think you’re annoyed she’s chosen this other friend and not you.

How well do you know her husband? Could you give him a call and say you're worried and want know she's ok. You resepect her wishes if she's not up to talking, you just want to send your love and let her know you're there for her when she feels ready.

I have tried to message her husband and he’s ignored it too and I have tried to call him twice over the past few weeks and he’s ignored the calls too.

Maybe you should just let it go for now. You have been repeating yourself for 4 pages, which seems rather strange. She has people close by that she is confiding in; leave her alone.

The friends message is smug. I wouldn’t trust that person however you have to distance yourself now. Your friend knows you have all tried to contact her. Best to drop the rope now. She will be back when she’s ready. Don’t give the friend the satisfaction of asking for any further information.

Have you read back on how many times you’ve said that same thing now, I’m just concerned about my friend? Is it possible she might feel a bit suffocated with all the constant ‘concern’? You’re not one of these exhausting friends who practically stalks your friends because you are ‘worried’ about them are you? 😳

It reads to me from the reply that maybe, just maybe, the friendship has either moved on or just isn’t how you interpreted it to be. It reads like she just wants to be left alone. She doesn’t want to speak to you herself. So ok that’s not like your friend, but that’s what it is at present.

I think you need to back off now and stop pushing. You’ve spoken to the mutual friend and she’s told you she’s spoken to her and her husband and doesn’t want to talk about it further. That would suggest perhaps something has happened that they just don’t want to talk about and they have told her they don’t want anything further mentioned. If they did then they would have told you themselves.

can you think of anything that went on at the time she first became distant? Anything that might have caused her to want to back away? Is it possible she’s been hinting and you’re just not taking the hint?

That sucks, I'm sorry. Unfortunately you'll have to leave it there, she's clearly instructed her husband and other friend to keep other people away and in the dark about what's going on.

Is there anything you can remember her saying or doing that might indicate what she's going through? Sadly, some people do shut down when their mental health is bad, some even feel ashamed and unable to tell people what's going on. You said she had work stress, maybe she had to leave work or go on sick leave. This can have a terrible effect on self-esteem, for example. I know it would for me, I'd probably not want to talk to anyone about it, and would hate people knowing.

Yeah it almost sounds like someone's amateur attempt at making an AI agent. The prompt was probably "replies should indicate that you are genuinely concerned about your friend" and the AI continues to repeat the same phrase into infinity as a way to bump the thread and keep it active.