To think this is very odd/weird?

[GlamBee]

One of my friends has been having a stressful time with work (I’ve never worked with her, we are just friends but before Christmas I was aware that she was letting work stress affect her personal life) recently and has been letting this stress affect her personal life. And since then she hasn’t spoke to me in around 4 weeks and our other mutual friends have said that they haven’t heard from her or spoke to her in around 4 weeks too. She’s ignoring all my calls and messages and she’s ignoring other peoples calls and messages according to mutual friends too.

There is one mutual friend she is definitely still speaking to though as there are photos on Facebook of them going to the theatre and meeting up with each others children etc. I’ve messaged that mutual friend saying I know they are in contact with my friend and I’m concerned about her and is she ok and the only reply I’ve received is “thanks for your concerns and support. I’m in daily contact with her and I was already aware of most of your concerns (what’s going on and why she’s stressed) about her from her directly but I’ve told her that you’ve messaged saying you’re concerned about her and I’ve discussed everything with her and her husband but it’s not my place to comment further. Thanks” and that’s all they’ve said about if my friend is ok or not and the mutual friend hasn’t answered my reply to their message either. My friend still hasn’t contacted me directly and is ignoring my calls and messages and all other mutual friends have said they haven’t spoken to her recently either and their calls and messages are being ignored too. It’s not like my friend at all to ignore everyone like this.

AIBU to think this is really odd/weird? And that it’s weird/odd that the mutual friend who is in contact with her didn’t tell me if she’s ok or not? AIBU?

That’s what I mean, I don’t trust our mutual friend after their reply.

But you get radio silence from her actual husband, too. They have both clearly been told to give you nothing. She's not being smug, she's doing what she's been told.

Leave the woman alone. Whatever she’s going through - or not - she clearly doesn’t want to talk to you. Your level of comms is borderline harassment

You've all let her know and care but she doesn't want to confide. Her other friend is clearly the one she's using as her rock.

I agree she could send a simple message to say thanks, just need some time to work on this myself, appreciate your concern.

When I've been at my lowest I've been grateful of true friends and did confide in my closest ones. Xx

FFS woman, LEAVE HER ALONE !!

You are sounding more and more unhinged.

And what if she isn't OK? She clearly hasn't chosen to confide in you.
Your concern may be coming from a place of genuinely caring, but it doesn't give you the right to know what's happening if she doesn't want to share it with you.
If you choose to contact a friend about a friend then any reply you get is going to be vague, as they don't have the right to tell you anything. You can read that as smug or say you don't trust that person, but who she chooses to confide in is none of your business.
Back off. Don't contact her or her husband again. If you still haven't heard from her in 3months or so maybe send a card to say you are thinking of her, and there if she wants to get in touch, just to try and make it easier if she's finding it hard to make steps back into the friendship group.

I guess another thing I’m worried about is if the mutual friend is isolating her.

But then the husband would have to be in on it too. You're being slightly unhinged now, sounds more like jealousy than concern. She's chosen this other friend and her husband to get her through a hard time, and they've BOTH clearly been instructed BY HER to keep others away.

Perhaps she has good reason to want to isolate if she's going to get concern-trolled and scrutinised for the benefit of others' curiosity.

Oh don't be ridiculous.

I suppose she's isolating her husband too?

She's forcing him to ignore your messages and all your phone calls to him?

Why will you not understand that for whatever reason your friend is going through something that she does NOT want to talk to you or your friends about at the moment?

Is it really that difficult for you?

Clearly she doesn’t want to talk to you. My best mate shuts people out when she’s overwhelmed. She only talks to her partner and her childhood best friend and usually me (but not always me). She comes back eventually usually full of angst but says she just couldn’t handle any more people.

I know some previous posters have said they think I’m jealous but I’m genuinely not jealous at all.

But I think you are missing the posters message that she doesn't, for whatever reason, want to talk to you.

As I said earlier in the thread, I think she's rude not to reply and I wouldn't have tried to contact her again. She doesn't want to acknowledge you so leave it to her and her other friend and personally I wouldn't be there if she came for help later... but that's me.

It would just be nice to know if my friend is ok.

And you do know this. From the the friend that is in contact with her.

Apologies if this has already been asked, and I ask this kindly OP, do you think you may possibly have some traits of ND, or has it ever been suggested to you? I only ask as having 2 ND children myself, and now highly suspecting I may have traits myself, I'm recognising a lot of indications in your posts. Its very difficult when people don't act the way we expect them too,not do they give a answer to a seemingly fitting question. My eldest daughter just cannot see outside her view of situations, and I can imagine she would respond and react in very much the same way that you are. For whatever reason you're so keen to hear from your friend yourself, and many have been suggested, it's quite clear that your friend does not want contact at this time. You mention that she has children? I'm sure if you're friend was in any danger or seriously unwell, then children's services/ school would be aware and keeping a eye on her/ supporting her. It may be that this new friend is not all that she seems, and they're may be some controlling behaviour if she's feeling low, but you continually chasing her up will only give the friend ammunition to turn her against you. Again, with theatre trips, children, husband she is very unlikely to be at any risk of harm, just maybe not making the best life choices at present and this is something she will need to learn and see for herself. You've done all you can, and showed that you are there if needed, you really do need to step away now .

You seem to think that your friend might be being manipulated by this other person, but to what purpose? What does the other person stand to gain by isolating her from her friendship group. Has the other friend demonstrated worrying behaviour before, when your friend was involved in supporting her?

She knows where you are if she needs you, and she knows that you are concerned about her.
She doesn't want to talk to you and it all sounds a bit dramatic and annoying.
Stop chasing after her.

Good grief, then take the hint and read the room OP!

Your friend would contact you if she wanted to. End of. She has your number and will be in touch again if and when she wants to be. It's now out of your control. You've made a lot of effort to engage with her and it's not working - anymore attempts at contact would now be unreasonable.

That may not satisfy you or be what you want to hear but that's the bottom line.

You are way overthinking this just give her some space

That doesn’t tell me how she is?

It tells you that her other friend and her husband are caring for her. It also tells you that she doesn't want you to be involved or to know exactly what's going on with her.

You're not going to find out how she is, and that's how she wants it. Got it now?

OP even on this thread you aren’t getting the subtleties and hints. You’ve had an explanation, which has then been explained again, and you keep saying it’s not good enough.

Your friend wants space. She has support, which isn’t you. Stop poking at it.

This.

You contacting her husband is not helping her to see that you're a friend who can respect her boundaries. I'd think that would be important in the future as well. Just let her come to you, otherwise you might find that she ends the friendship completely.

You say she was 'letting' work stress affect her personal life, as if you have to give the work stress permission to affect the rest of your time. This is quite an extraordinary statement, and this attitude may be why she does not feel you are particularly sympathetic to her situation. She is in touch with another friend, so let it go.

OP I'm shocked at your level of entitlement to know how your friend is. She isn't AWOL, she just isn't speaking to you. Back off.