Who is being unreasonable in this friendship

[Sparklingwaterornothing]

Friendship between two mums - for the past 5 years have been quite close, share a lot see each other maybe once or twice a week. Have always been supportive of each other.

First friend - let’s call her Amy is doing very well financially since last year with her own small business alongside a part time job, Amy’s husband also has new well paid job - however this requires time away from home. Amy has 2 DC.

Second friend - calling her Tina, Tina is a stay at home mum with 4 DC, she is university educated and prior children worked full time, Tina’s husband earns well but not as well as Amy’s husband, Tina infrequently lets out an air b n b flat.

One of Amy’s DC is an extremely good at a hobby, this is an expensive hobby - lessons twice weekly and the next price of equipment the DC needs is around 15k. This equipment also takes up a lot of space.

Tina doesn’t think it’s necessary for Amy to buy this equipment, and has been vocal about this in front of mutual friends, Tina thinks the DC can continue with the equipment they already have although the results are of a lower grade, Amy also mentioned possibly getting a mortgage to move to a bigger property to give DC more room for this hobby, or maybe an attic conversion, Tina thinks that getting a bigger house with a small family is wasteful and that it creates an unfair balance in society with more affluent people taking the bigger homes they don’t actually need.

Amy’s DC both enjoy branded clothing, are quite fussy about what they wear, Tina thinks Amy should buy plain clothes that aren’t branded and are cheaper. Tina dislikes waste and thinks that children shouldn’t have excess clothing or shoes as they don’t get used and it’s bad for the environment. Amy thinks it’s fine to buy the kids the clothes they ask for, Tina thinks this creates unrealistic expectations and dislikes that Amy buys branded trainers and backpacks for school as creates divide in school.

who is being unreasonable?

I am just playing devils advocate I think it is 50/50 both of them. Tina sounds jealous but again maybe Amy is going on about it. Maybe Tina is struggling financially more than she is letting on but again it’s none of her business what Amy spends her money on. It sounds like money is a main topic of conversation and ultimately they have different views and experiences of this and it would be better for all to not meet up as a 3.

I 100% agree with him. Tina isn’t even in a bad financial position, she’s just not in as good a one as Amy is.

Was Tina the one in the best position until last year? If so, then it reads even more like envy. She liked her perceived position as the most blessed and enviable of the friendship group, and she can’t handle it now Amy has overtaken her. If so, then she’s someone to be very wary of, because her ‘friendship’ is entirely dependent on you being worse off, and inferior in her eyes. She won’t hesitate to do the same to you, if she ever sees you as doing better than her.

I’d say we were all on more equal footing until last year. Amy’s house is in a nicer area but was a project - myself and Tina live in a slightly less desirable area but our houses were nicer inside.
I was chuffed for Amy when she started her small business so they could afford to do more with the house. I’m starting to see now this was where it all started with Tina’s comments.

Tina sounds envious and needs to keep her opinions to herself.

Tina needs to keep her snout out, pure and simple. If Amy was constantly complaining that she doesn’t know where all her money goes, but in the next breath reveals she bought both her children designer coats and trainers, I can see how Tina would be frustrated. Similarly, if Tina was on the bones of her arse and Amy kept nagging her to join her on trips to Michelin star restaurants or 5-star spa hotels, it would be fair enough for Tina to speak up and say she’s being insensitive. But if Tina has a flat she can afford to leave empty much of the time, she’s hardly in penury.

Amy’s only crime appears to be spending her money in a) the way she sees fit and b) a different way to that favoured by Tina. I don’t see the problem.

My DH was home the morning the clothing was discussed and he thinks I need to tell Tina to stop being so rude!

He’s wrong. This whole thing started because Tina stuck her oar in where it didn’t belong. The last thing it needs is another unrequested opinion.

Why does it matter

Celebrating and being happy about a friend’s success is indicative of genuine friendship. Tina resents Amy’s success, and would instead celebrate and be happy about Amy failing, whilst undoubtedly putting on a ‘supportive’ public face.

Amy hasn’t done anything wrong here. The problem is Tina.

Tina is VU. Not for her views which are fine, but pushing them on Amy makes her a dick. Amy's family, Amy's DC, Amy's choice. Tina needs to mind her own business

Offering advice is like offering tea, its kind offer to share yours but if its refused you dont boil the kettle and pour it down someones neck.

Haven’t read every post but in my view Tina appears quite jealous and judgemental.

it’s ok to have differnt views - but keep to herself.

if Amy and family can afford the equipment then don’t see what the issue is.

maybe Tina has seen a change in Amy since the business has taken off?

Amy is being unreasonable for wanting to keep a horse in an attic conversion.

Tina is jealy! I would see them separately or cut Tina out a bit

What the hell kind of hobby needs 15 grands worth of kit?

I’m guessing a horse, of a grand piano, or maybe a home gym for a promising athlete.

It doesn’t really matter though - it’s Amy’s cash, not Tina’s.

I think Tina and Amy’s friendship is over. If your first reaction to a friend’s success is “But why haven’t I got that?”, you’re not a friend.

A now ex-friend of mine had a very good job that she gave up during a period of ill health. I got a job that was a real step up not long afterwards. She couldn’t be happy for me without bringing it back to her situation. I’d posted on Facebook about how I was looking forward to a couple of big work events. She replied, “I’m looking forward to staying in alone, an ever-dwindling bank balance, plummeting immunity…” God forbid I should be allowed to enjoy anything.

Tina is jealous of Aimee’s lifestyle and Aimee is on the wind up. Tina is smug about being a SAHM, Aimee is secretly jealous that she has to work, so she brags about being able to afford nice things because she works hard. All sounds very boring and judgmental. I think your Aimee.

I personally don’t think it’s necessarily oversharing either, if Amy’s not being braggy about it and answering when asked, it should be a safe space to be honest if it’s been (is) a supportive friend group.

Tina sounds like more of the issue by the sounds of it, has more of an issue with Amy’s choices than Amy does about Tina’s. Can they agree to disagree? Debate it healthily? Awkward atmosphere at times is ok, as long as they can agree to disagree and move on from it. If they can’t, it breeds resentment.

Tina ultimately sounds jealous… 🤷‍♀️

Also this. For the sake of the social cohesion Tina may want to wind her neck in, button it, a bit. Is she generally a bit outspoken?

Everyone has different values and opinions.

Has Amy changed since extra money? Becoming more materialistic? It’s probably this that Tina is reacting to.

@Sparklingwaterornothing
When there are fundamental differences in viewpoints it’s not always a case of simply not commenting on anything. Even if you stay silent you can still be reacting inside to what you see or hear.

I can be happy for a friend if they manage to achieve their goals, but if I get the impression that they believe their goals/ way of doing things is objectively better than my way, or if they know me well and they fail to see that I probably won’t agree with this, yet continue to talk about it, I find this difficult to deal with.

For example if someone started a business selling what I would consider plastic junk that ends up in a landfill, I would congratulate them, but hope it would end there. I can appreciate the effort, the worry, the risk , whatever but there’s a limit.
If they then went on about it, how many they managed to sell, what they managed to earn, how I too should do something similar, it would bug me. It would annoy me that the point of view that this is actually a negative thing overall, that the world doesn’t need anymore balloon arrangements has never crossed their mind, and should someone raise the issue, they are seen as unsupportive.

i don’t need everyone around me to agree with me, but we either know when to not go on, or we can talk about it. There shouldn’t be a case where one party has to stay silent for fear of being called judgmental.

Tina's a busy prick

Tina sounds very jealous - it’s fine for people to have spare rooms / hobby rooms.
If Amy’s son needs a room for his hobby & better equipment then of course you would buy him better equipment if you can afford it. I mean where would Elton John be now if his mum hadn’t forked out for a good piano?!
As for labelled clothes - If her kids don’t have it others still will, and why should her kids stand out for not having it when her and her husband can afford to provide it?

Maybe Tina needs to get a part time job so she can buy her children branded things.. it’s quite important in your teens.. I remember being a child of 4 with a SAHM & not having branded trainers for PE at school & absolutely hating it! … and don’t even get me started on the trauma of non school uniform days!!

Get a job you've got too much time on your hands