Who is being unreasonable in this friendship

[Sparklingwaterornothing]

Friendship between two mums - for the past 5 years have been quite close, share a lot see each other maybe once or twice a week. Have always been supportive of each other.

First friend - let’s call her Amy is doing very well financially since last year with her own small business alongside a part time job, Amy’s husband also has new well paid job - however this requires time away from home. Amy has 2 DC.

Second friend - calling her Tina, Tina is a stay at home mum with 4 DC, she is university educated and prior children worked full time, Tina’s husband earns well but not as well as Amy’s husband, Tina infrequently lets out an air b n b flat.

One of Amy’s DC is an extremely good at a hobby, this is an expensive hobby - lessons twice weekly and the next price of equipment the DC needs is around 15k. This equipment also takes up a lot of space.

Tina doesn’t think it’s necessary for Amy to buy this equipment, and has been vocal about this in front of mutual friends, Tina thinks the DC can continue with the equipment they already have although the results are of a lower grade, Amy also mentioned possibly getting a mortgage to move to a bigger property to give DC more room for this hobby, or maybe an attic conversion, Tina thinks that getting a bigger house with a small family is wasteful and that it creates an unfair balance in society with more affluent people taking the bigger homes they don’t actually need.

Amy’s DC both enjoy branded clothing, are quite fussy about what they wear, Tina thinks Amy should buy plain clothes that aren’t branded and are cheaper. Tina dislikes waste and thinks that children shouldn’t have excess clothing or shoes as they don’t get used and it’s bad for the environment. Amy thinks it’s fine to buy the kids the clothes they ask for, Tina thinks this creates unrealistic expectations and dislikes that Amy buys branded trainers and backpacks for school as creates divide in school.

who is being unreasonable?

I dont get the beef about the bigger house. Surely with all the taxes etc on more expensive houses, there isn't a shortage of those, and it is the availability of cheaper housing that is an issue?
They can always downsize when their DD moves out.
Tina should mind her own business, she sounds a bit jealous.

I am also in this camp.

I like both women and they’ve both helped and supported me over the past 5 years, I do think that Tina is starting to get judgmental towards Amy though. It’s definitely a big shift from the supportive atmosphere we used to have.

Tina is a gob shite.

Tina sounds like a pain in the arse. Although I suspect we are hearing Amy's side of the story here, I think Amy should either completely ignore Tina's criticisms or have a forceful private word with her about winding her neck in.

I think Tina is jealous of Amy’s money and making lots of digs …. Really nothing to do with Tina whatsoever

Tina should mind her own business and she sounds very jealous of Amy.
I might think the same about the clothes but I’d keep it to myself. I used to buy my children designer stuff on eBay!
The bigger house thing is absolutely bonkers though.

Tina owns a second property that she only occasionally rents out so she obviously doesn't need the rental income. She is being pretty hypocritical to disapprove of Amy's plans to move to a larger house.

Having four children is also pretty bad for the environment.

It does sound like a couple of affluent, middle-class women with no real problems creating drama for the sake of it.

I also agree with the poster that said that the hobby is horse riding.

Tina is welcome to parent her children and manage her finances as she sees fit, but she needs to understand so is Amy.
We ALL judge other people's decisions when we don't agree with them but most of us so it silently as long as nobody is getting hurt, and accept that it isn't our business.

Probably one of the more minor points but I NEVER thought I'd buy my child branded shoes and trainers before they were old enough to care (and contribute), and I thought it was ridiculous people did.
It turns out for twice the cost, they last 3 times as long so now I do exactly that and I'm very glad I kept those as thoughts and not vocal judgements! I also know I'd make life as easy and enjoyable for my DC as I could afford to - I would love to be able to give us more space.

I dislike both of them.

I thought piano?

If you truly are a mutual friend then you need to be telling Tina that you aren't interested in her opinions of Amy and don't want to hear them

I thought harp.

I think competitive model train tracks

Why is Tina so arsed about what Amy buys? But why is Amy harping on about how much her son’s sports equipment cost? Sounds like really boring chat.

Tina is jealous and judgemental. She has a friend financially much better off who enjoys spending her money. This may not be the most sensible way to live, but it's Amy's money, and Amy's life/family/kids. If Tina can't accept Amy for who and how she is, she should cut the relationship (can't call it a friendship, friends aren't so nasty) and find some other parsimonious self-righteous mums to pal up with.

Tina is jealous. The faux concern over labels and houses for other people is just a front for not wanting to see someone have more than her.

If I was Amy I’d not consider Tina as a friend any longer; as a mutual friend I’d expect Tiny to stop voicing her criticism to me.

Totally this, Amy is spending Amy's money, not Tina's. Tina should back off and not be bitter (and I hate to say it especially here. But she's coming off jealous)

Tina is massively overstepping boundaries. Not her place to volunteer an opinion on things like this.

Not really. I’ve got two really good friends, I don’t know what either of their husbands earns. None of my business.

I can’t see any argument you could run to defend Tina being the reasonable one here.

Amy works two jobs - that’s not financially well off enough to be braggy.

How is it outing ? Does no one else in the country do it ?

Amy has two jobs and two children.
Tina has no job and four children.

Tina is responsible for her own life choices, being a SAHM to 4 kids is unlikely to lead to a life of luxury for most families.

Amy and her DH can choose to spend their income on whatever they choose. Tina might not make the same choices but it’s absolutely not her place to comment.

Amy could perhaps be more circumspect about the 15k equipment, but you haven’t indicated she’s actively bragging, just sharing her news.

I’m afraid Tina is going to end up losing her friends.

There's not enough information to judge whether Amy is definitely braggy. She may just be talking about her reality just as she always has. She's clearly financially comfortable in a way she wasn't before, and in a position to facilitate an expensive hobby for her child and a bigger house. She might be being just as frank with her friends as ever, it just rankles now that there's a significant disparity between her and Tina.

I suspect both could stand to change the way they relate to one another. Amy needs to be more circumspect about what she shares of her good fortune and Tina needs to accept it isn't personal.

Changes in circs like this do tend to stress test relationships. Maybe Tina thought she and Amy had similar values because they had similar lifestyles when Amy was poorer, while Amy's trading up reveals that she only lived that way out of necessity and wouldn't choose it. I'm sure that's uncomfortable.

Tina needs to keep her beak out of Amy's business and choices.