Who is being unreasonable in this friendship

[Sparklingwaterornothing]

Friendship between two mums - for the past 5 years have been quite close, share a lot see each other maybe once or twice a week. Have always been supportive of each other.

First friend - let’s call her Amy is doing very well financially since last year with her own small business alongside a part time job, Amy’s husband also has new well paid job - however this requires time away from home. Amy has 2 DC.

Second friend - calling her Tina, Tina is a stay at home mum with 4 DC, she is university educated and prior children worked full time, Tina’s husband earns well but not as well as Amy’s husband, Tina infrequently lets out an air b n b flat.

One of Amy’s DC is an extremely good at a hobby, this is an expensive hobby - lessons twice weekly and the next price of equipment the DC needs is around 15k. This equipment also takes up a lot of space.

Tina doesn’t think it’s necessary for Amy to buy this equipment, and has been vocal about this in front of mutual friends, Tina thinks the DC can continue with the equipment they already have although the results are of a lower grade, Amy also mentioned possibly getting a mortgage to move to a bigger property to give DC more room for this hobby, or maybe an attic conversion, Tina thinks that getting a bigger house with a small family is wasteful and that it creates an unfair balance in society with more affluent people taking the bigger homes they don’t actually need.

Amy’s DC both enjoy branded clothing, are quite fussy about what they wear, Tina thinks Amy should buy plain clothes that aren’t branded and are cheaper. Tina dislikes waste and thinks that children shouldn’t have excess clothing or shoes as they don’t get used and it’s bad for the environment. Amy thinks it’s fine to buy the kids the clothes they ask for, Tina thinks this creates unrealistic expectations and dislikes that Amy buys branded trainers and backpacks for school as creates divide in school.

who is being unreasonable?

Tina is a twat telling other people how they should live their lives and what their priorities should be. She would probably approve of my life choices but I would want nothing to do with her and her judgemental tripe.

None of my friends live their lives or raise their cildren exactly as I do mine. Once they don't force their choices on me and vice versa we are all good.

Tina needs to get a life, what Amy spends her money on has nothing to do with Tina.

Amy sounds like she needs to stop talking about money so much. Did she say unprompted the equipment was going to be £15k or was she asked how much it was?

Tina is jealous and needs to mind her own business.

Tina sounds fun 😒

Tina needs to keep her gob shut. Fine to have an opinion but when it's about someone else's life and has no direct effect on you, just keep it to yourself!

It sounds like Amy isn't boasting/droning on (or doing that irritating thing of splurging on luxury items and then moaning endlessly about having no money left). If she was then it might be fair for Tina to tell her to give it a rest. But it sounds like Tina is noticing things and quizzing Amy who is just answering honestly. And Tina is being a sourpuss because she doesn't like the answers!

Does Amy call her daughter princess? Does she have ‘furbabies’?
Tina sounds more sensible.

Agree with PPs that Tina’s behaviour is rude.

Also agree that Amy could welp have ‘overshared’, but that depends on how much of the conversation was about her business, DC and concerns and what kinds of things she shared relative to Tina and you, OP.

I have an otherwise lovely friend that often espouses negative opinions about others’ choices (schools, parenting, relationships): it pisses me off and means I don’t tell her some stuff.

Tina. She is entitled to her views, but not to express them to Amy. If she finds Amy's choices too far outside of her values she should end her friendship with Amy.

my first post may have been confusing about the husbands salaries, both men work in different professions but both have salary’s that are available to the public, most people will know roughly how much you earn for those jobs

This has been the most helpful post so far, thanks

If Tina was so concerned about the environment, she wouldn't have had 4 kids, just saying...

Amy talking about her life, in the context of friends meeting up and talking about their lives, is not bragging. Tina’s envy is not Amy’s problem, and not something she needs to pander to.

Amy hasn’t done anything wrong (and I don’t see the problem regarding what she’s spending her money on. It’s hardly profligate, but even if it was, so what? She can afford it). The issue is Tina.

Both being unreasonable.

What Amy spends her money on is her business. Sounds like she’s boasting and being smug about it all which I get is annoying.

Tina is allowed an opinion and to voice it. However, not to go on about it when ultimately it isn’t any of her business.

Sounds like their friendship has run its course. Maybe you should arrange to see each one separately but make sure you’re not criticising each one to the other.

How is Amy boasting or being smug?

It was actually myself who commented on how much the equipment can cost! And Amy commented then that they’d probably look at something second hand to get it for 15k.

I didn’t comment negatively, I was very much hoping Amy had the means to buy it, her DC is ridiculously good at it!

it was this point that Tina protested that it wasn’t needed, and said that if Amy’s DC was good enough they’d be successful at that hobby without the new equipment.

writing that down has actually made me feel really bad….

Sounds like she is going on about the money side of things. Talking about buying new equipment and moving to a bigger house. Seems like she is being insensitive in front of Tina who obviously doesn’t have the same income and spare amount. I think it would be better if as friends they decided not to talk about money.

Having four children is also pretty bad for the environment.

I was also going to point out the irony of someone with four children criticising anyone else re environmental concerns.

Tina sounds jealous. Is she regretting her life choices?

So talking about her life with her friends, who are also speaking about their lives and probably asking her questions about what she’s doing? She shared with her friends her struggling to support her child’s hobby, and she then shared about it being (positively) resolved. And of course she was going to share with her friends that she’s moving/renovating a house. She didn’t share at all about what clothes she buys her children, that was Tina going out of her way to make an issue of it.

That isn’t bragging.Tina has a chip that on her shoulder about Amy’s better financial position.

What are the jobs? Just curious to know if I would rightly know the salary.

I thought this too - Tina sounds jealous & also judgemental (but being judgy to mask her jealousy & trying to make herself feel better!). Horrible!

This is my DHs standpoint from what he overheard, he thinks Tina is annoying and myself and Amy would be better off just us two

I don’t want to say - I think actually both job roles are public information, Think civil service or NHS bands type of transparency

Amy would annoy me amd sounds out of touch and I agree with Tina on most things, but in her position i'd really try and shut my gob because it's none of my business really and it will obviously affect frienship.

Do you see them bith together and separately?
Has Tina been expressing her views to you strongly when its just the two of you?
If this is the case, then I think its totally reasonable for you to say to her 'actually talking about Amy in this way is making me uncomfortable, can we talk about something else?'
Or something to just move the conversation on
'anyway, enough about what's going on with Amy, what's going on with you?'

If she continues after that, you likely will have to say something

if all was fine while Amy was struggling pre successful business and her new parents job, then yes I agree with . Tina sounds like she has a massive chip on her shoulder.