Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

is semi close to another but they are moving in the summer so i am not encouraging this friendship

That's terrible 🙈🙈🙈😅

Maybe the party boys mum is also not encouraging friendships with other children...... you cant complain, you do the same

"If 5 out of 21 is not invited do you people really think this is ok?"

In a word

Yes.

We let our little ones pick their invite list up to a numerical limit that we set. It's their party and they spend 6 hours 5 days a week with these children. They know better than us who they want there. It might be that they do not get on with some children and do not want them at their (once yearly) birthday party.

Your attitude is embarrassing and shocking at the same time! You can not say who should or should not be invited to someone else’s party! Even if every children was invited except yours, it is still not for you to judge! You need to teach your child that not everyone gets invited, the comment should you not invite those children who didn’t invite him, to his party later is ridiculous!

Unfortunately you have to teach your little one that he isn't entitled. You don't know the reason behind the choice of guests. Nor are you entitled to an answer. It is what it is. It's not okay to use invites as a weapon but we all have to learn that sometimes
you get and other times you do
not get what you want. All this namby pamby behaviour of " oh we can't exclude anyone " is nonsense. It's a financial decision to start with. Then you can't expect your kid to spend their bday with people they don't like. Use these situations constructively and teach your child that disappointment is part of life. This is just the start of him having to manage his own expectations expectations. We all might think we are entitled to certain treatment, rewards, outcome etc ... but fact of life is that somtimes we do receive, other times not. And it doesn't look good to spit your dummy in a tantrum out when you are 40 years old.

I actually think it was really cruel of you to not let your kid have a birthday party because you were on maternity leave and didn’t want to invite every kid. I think that’s actual madness!! Just have a smaller party, but let your kids celebrate with his new friends. You missed a real opportunity for him to solidify friendships there unfortunately.

I know you're angry and upset but in instances like these you have to take it as an opportunity to teach your child that it's not the end of the world - life goes on. Being a parent is hard but by kicking off you're showing your son bad behaviour and he will learn from you. Whenever DD was in that situation we used to go out & do something else - no spite, no drama - just as if it didn't matter and we had our own fun. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do but getting practice in at 'diversions' is an art you need to develop for his sake/benefit.

Yes your heart is breaking but by letting him see that isn't what he needs. Mum has to learn to be an actress xx

Is this your first child?
You’re in for a rude awakening if you think this is bad, as it’s really not.
Firstly you don’t know the parent/family to know their circumstances as to whether they have financial constraints to how many they invite
Secondly you dont know how many have been invited.
Thirdly, to suggest the must invite everyone or no one is ridiculous and very entitled!
Their child might not get along with your child, or just not know them that well.

This is a you problem as the saying goes. Every child can't go to every party. You sound hugely petty suggesting you get some sort of 'revenge' by excluding the children who didn't invite your child when you have a party.... It's not all or nothing. It is whatever each individual family wants to do for their child. Mine have been to lots of parties but I'm sure have not been invited to others. We've had parties where we invite everyone and parties where it's just a select few, depending on venue, cost etc. Sounds like you're projecting anyway.

Sounds fine to me. Not everyone can cope with 20 or more little kids invading their house or can afford to hire a hall.

This!!!

I’m glad you decided not to message . It’s many years of school life and l’ve been upset on my kids behalf over lots of things including invites / friendship groups / teachers comments etc ! Challenging other parents should be saved for the big incidents ..not a party. Talking kids through disappointment when you’re angry is hard but a valuable skill. Sure your child will be fine if you downplay it.

Fwiw OP, I agree with you. I don't say invite all or none, I think a few is fine. But inviting most is, I think, a dick move.

Playing devil’s advocate, would a non-entitled, breezy text just to double check have been so bad? Something like ‘Hey [friend’s mum], DS said he’d been invited to [friend’s] party but I didn’t see an invite so wanted to check in case there was a mix up. No worries if not!’. If the mum confirmed it was a no, wish them a good time and leave it there.

The day the friend’s mum asked for her son’s invite list, he might’ve had a silly falling out with OP’s DS and it might’ve all been forgotten the next day. Or the mum might’ve just forgotten to send the invite to the OP. Totally agree there’s no obligation to invite anyone but don’t think it’s wild to politely ask for confirmation.

Maybe the other mother realised that you are incredibly difficult and hard work and halfway off your rocker, and has wisely decided to keep you at arms length.

sorry to be harsh, but Jesus, where does your intervention end? are you going to be roughing up teenagers in the playground in ten yrs time? Will you be bollcking the university tutors in 15 yrs time on your child behalf?

seriously - calm down. get some perspective.

It’s upsetting and it hurts, Reception class they’re all just mingling, could be parents have a small number for costs or more likely rhey are inviting kids of parents they like / friends with.

I would advise against being the parent that texts, I remember going to 2 parties in one day (boy and girl), one after the other. Parent of party 1 accosted Parent of Party 2 at Party 1 why their child wasn’t invited to Party 2. Parent 1 and child swiftly left.

Another parent slammed all parties where she couldn’t bring her (badly behaved) brood along to every party. Another Mum of badly behaved child would always drop and run,
You will witness a melee of party horrors, be the parent your child needs and encourage them to have the party they want when it is their turn.

Should you need, remember this for the future for future parties.

My child is 3 and in nursery and parents like you are the reason why I dread the time when I have to host birthday parties. Their child invites nobody and they have a sad and lonely birthday. Their child invites the whole class and they are overwhelmed and the parents suddenly have more children and parents to manage, not to mention an increased cost. Are they not allowed to pick a few classmates that they are close to?

The only thing the parent did wrong was sending invites to a select a few in a large WhatsApp group rather than using their common sense and texting parents individually

just to add. I dont really know parents

There's your answer then OP.

They have a right to invite whoever they want.

Maybe anyone else. Family etc.

I feel for you OP and understand your hurt for your child. Being one of only a few not invited may be rough for him if everyone is yapping about the party before/after the event as 4/5 year olds will happily do.

Try to downplay it if your Dc asks you about it, perhaps something along the lines that not everyone was invited, that not all parents can invite the whole class.

My Dc, when she was about 9, didn’t get invited by someone she thought she was very close to. The worst thing about it was leaving school on the day with all the invitees and birthday girl waiting outside to go the party and Dc waving to them all, knowing where they were going.

I downplayed it of course but felt so bad for DC who commented about it on the way home.

Kindly, this is not about you, or your son. It is another child's birthday. Life is not always inclusive or fair. Don't make it a big deal.

Create him a nice alternative, a trip to the park/cafe or in bad weather den build or bake at home together. You are his momma bear and his biggest advocate.

Avoid making it a personal rejection for your son, level with him and move forward. "You aren't invited this time Joe, lets hit the park instead."
Minimise disappointment, any other recourse risks you looking over entitled. I say this as a twin mum who often had only one child invited. x

Don’t text. These situations are really hard and your heart aches and aches for your child. I know it well - my son had this a number of times. The worst was when one of his good friends (or so I thought) invited almost everyone in their friendship group to an activity birthday party that my son would’ve loved. But as she gave out the invitations she bypassed my son and said to him “you’re not invited”. He told me quite matter of factly and I was sooo upset. The mum was quite a good friend so I never tackled it, maybe I should’ve done, they just went down in my estimation. I know numbers were probably limited but it was the way she did it.It still hurts my heart and they are 20 now!

Yes I completely comprehend & empathise immensely with your disappointment & upset 🫂I honestly would refrain from messaging the Mum because it would be really unfair on You & Your dear Son, the possible consequences /repurcussions of your reaching out to question why Your Dear Son, was excluded 🫂
Please don't feel in any way wrong for feeling hurt for him, you're a loving doting Mum & I'd be hurt for
one of my Sons too🫂
Please don't let this get the best of you either Sincere Soul 🫂
I'm just wondering if the Child who's party it is, is only permitted a certain number in a particular venue? 🤔
Maybe plan something extra special & lovely for just You&Your Dear Son on the same day of the party to take his sweet mind off of not being invited if you feel there might be numerous other Children chatting about the party? 🫂
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚

OP you sound absolutely bat shit crazy

Your son will totally get over it. I wouldn't mention it to him again. Just do something fun with him yourself. Don't text the mother tho. I know it hurts but uour boy will be fine..x

It IS horrible when your child feels bad that there is a party that most are going to, but they are not. But the action to be taken is helping your child to manage those feelings, rather than to try to change the situation. In all probability, this will happen again. From time to time, for a variety of reasons, children get left out or miss out on something.

Both of my children had birthday parties, and they were free to invite who they wanted. If it was going to be a whole class party, we would have had to have changed what was being planned (one venue did not have the capacity for that many, and the other would have been ridiculously expensive ). So we would have had to change the party to something they want less, just so that they can invite people they don’t play with. We also had people in th class who my children actively didn’t like (hitting, etc) - why would they be invited?

The other option (having no party at all) is not remotely fair.

Feelings will be hurt; that’s life. Try and soften the blow and help them to see that it is unlikely to be a personal attack on them, but the situation.

If you are in a similar situation when it is your turn to host (venue/ financial limitations), don’t feel you have to invite everyone. But if the only people that you are leaving out are those that didn’t invite your child, you’re being vindictive and punishing children for (potentially) the financial limitations of their parents. Is that the lesson you want to teach your child?

Deal with the immediate problem of your child being disappointed tomorrow. Get up early and go out somewhere nice for the day.