Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

[RealReginaPhalange]

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

Don't be that mother- I am fairly sure that the other mums pick up on your vibe already.

OP, I know your feelings are strong about the injustice, but (as others have said) it's not the done thing to message the parents. Parents talk, and you may find your child is excluded from future parties because of the 'difficult mum'

My kids were often excluded and although it was upsetting, we all moved on. When we arranged parties, the packages were often 20 kids etc. with possible additions to the group at a premium. These packages are often hundreds of £, so parents tend to just invite a select few. Groups change over the years and you may find your child gets invited to more as he gets to know the other kids.

But, yes, despite seething inside, just breeze over it. In life, we don't always get invited and even as an adult, there have been multiple times I've been missed off a guest list.

I work with kids this age. They do not care half as much as their parents do

You dont know how many have been invited but your son has been excluded? Doesnt make sense.

Thought I put this out there - it sounds you are upset - can I ask if you think there a race issue ? if they play together but not invited by parent ? My child was excluded everyone was invited apart from her who is of a different race - the same happened to me when I was younger too which made it more upsetting.

how about saying next time in playground - did your dc have a lovely party? My dc would have loved to come and I found it hard to explain that he was not invited but hope they had a lovely time ? maybe we could get them together some time ?

I have invited whole class to parties in the past even if my child hasn’t been invited to others parties. Life’s too short to hold grudges about these sorts of things and I think at that age they change who they are friends with frequently. I wouldn’t worry about it that much and think you’ll make tho situation worse if you make a fuss. I have a big garden so often invited whole class but understand if parents are booking an event it’s expensive etc. kids want certain things and inviting everyone isn’t always possible. Last party child only invited 4 kids he was playing with lots at the time.

YABU … absolutely in reception they could have a group of specific friends and plenty of parents can’t afford/don’t want to have the whole class over. It’s also perfectly possible if they don’t have a specific group of friends yet that the parents have just invited the children of parents they know and are friends with.
You can explain to your child that children can’t invite all friends all the time, it’s something they will have to get used to dealing with, as tough as it can be on our hearts when we feel our children aren’t included

As someone who annoyingly obsesses over party invites and feels sad for my child when they don’t get invited you will absolutely regret messaging. While I do obsess over it I don’t know the ins/outs of the details such as activity/numbers/budget and how many others from outside the school have been invited which may impact decisions. I also know from asking my own child for names when doing invitations that you could ask her everyday for a week and while there would be some names that repeatedly get mentioned some would change because they haven’t played with them that day or they may have had a small falling out.

Why would you have to exclude the children involved from your sons party? What did they do?

The parents of the party kid can do what they want in terms if how big or small the party is.

Don't text. You'll have plenty of occasions in these people's company in the coming years so starting with a confrontation isn't a good idea.

I absolutely see your upset and disappointment here. In my children’s reception class it was definitely the norm to invite every child. However I’m not sure what you’d achieve by contacting the parent.

This is beyond crazy . I can't believe that Mothers feel entitled to question why their kid isn't invited to a bloody birthday party fgs .

In YOUR opinion that you wanted to impose on the other parent by texting to ask why your child wasn’t invited…

I do think it’s funny when parents who didn’t do a party are annoyed about not getting invited. If you had done one, he probably would have got some reciprocal invites.

I did whole class parties in Reception and Year 1 and they were a lot of work because I had to hire a hall and do the food myself, do decorations etc. It’s not only the cost, but the lack of options you have when you’re inviting 30.

Did your son go to nursery OP? I only ask as mine did, and to be honest by the time they were in primary school I was a bit done with kids parties and getting to know random parents. In reception we just invited the kids we'd already known from nursery, didn't really think much more of it until my kids' friendships evolved on their own, which was much later.

Birthday child's birthday so they choose who they invite. You can't force them to invite your DC. Your DC and you need to learn your DC won't always be invited to every party. Very few DC are invited to everything.

I didn’t invite everyone to my son’s birthday in reception. I had a small house, I was a single parent with very little money. I told him he could invite 4 friends.
you have no clue on her situation, or
how many are invited. It’s completely unreasonable to be furious and to be messaging her imo.
with my daughter my circumstances had totally changed, her dad and I hired a soft play and invited the whole class in reception. Since then however she has had 2 friends invited round to ours for pizza and cake. Because they’re her best friends!
I think you’re being completely unreasonable.

My DD9 is often not invited to birthday parties. These are her friends’ parties. It’s not a big deal, she understands that everyone has to have a limit on numbers and sometimes she gets invited, sometimes she doesn’t. She has a lot of friends but she isn’t BFFs with all of them and she gets that they have other friends too. Post Covid very few people round here do whole class parties, too expensive. The important lesson is to support your son not to feel rejected if he is or isn’t included in a party list, everyone has to draw the line somewhere. Another time it will be him that gets picked.

Nothing to be achieved by texting except to destroy any chance of future party invites from that family.

God don't be that mum who thinks she's entitled for an invite to every single party 🙄

We had one of those in primary. Turns out her child wasn't liked in the class as the child was nasty and entitled. The mum would often message other mums if her child wasn't invited or if she felt her child needed to be included in something 🙄

Wow!!! I’m glad my kids haven’t had kids with parents like you in the class, quite frankly I would have steered them away from friendships with those kids because of the parents. You have zero understanding, empathy or kindness!!!

how about saying next time in playground - did your dc have a lovely party? My dc would have loved to come and I found it hard to explain that he was not invited but hope they had a lovely time ? maybe we could get them together some time ?

Do NOT do this pathetic, passive aggressive nonsense.

That's a really bitter and childish attitude. You need to just let it go. Teaching your kids to hold grudges for years won't help anyone.

You actually sound very unlikeable. Please don’t ruin your child’s primary journey. You’re in real danger of doing that in my
opinion.

Our reception class was 2 in 1 big reception. They were split into 2 groups but friends across the 2. We invited a lot but couldn't invite near on 60 kids. It happens. It is part of life. It also gets worse as they get older and have established friend groups. Your child will miss parties, she will also have parties where she misses others out. As long as its not just one or two children not invited that is just life.

I used to volunteer at my kids' primary school and often we'd get some parents furious that their child hadn't been selected for pupil of the week etc. The teachers knew who these parents were and (rightly.or wrongly) they became a laughing stock in the staffroom. I echo what someone else said, too, in that the kids in question were often entitled and mirrored the parents' attitude.

Not saying this is you, OP, but just proceed with caution when claiming your child has been left out unless you know 100% this is the case.

We had one who my child invited every time, they came and throughout the whole of primary school they never invited them back. That did piss me off a bit but I'd never say anything to the parents or my child.