Page 12 | Excluded from bday party - aibu to text the parent?

LlynTegid · 14/02/2026 11:00

I think you have made the right decision not to contact the parent. Unless there is some reason such as unkindness or worse from your child, agree that leaving out a small number of a whole class is not a good idea.

Gloopsy · 14/02/2026 11:12

calling me unhinged etc for “demanding an invitation” or being “party police” because i want to dictate other parents how to throw a party

But... it IS unhinged to want to dictate how others throw a party 🤔surely you can see that?

If not, then I would strap in @RealReginaPhalange as you have another 28 pages of people telling you so

pinkdelight · 14/02/2026 11:15

I would do what i think is right - i.e. at that age invite all or none. He didnt have a party few months ago bc i was on maternity and it is expensive and i didnt want to be in that exact same position.

By that logic, hardly any kids would have a party which is completely shit. There's nothing remotely wrong with having a smaller party that's affordable and to say it's all or nothing just means your kid didn't get a party - which won't help him get invites to others tbh, as that's one way invites can get worked out. Anyway, you are, as you say, entitled to your opinion. Even though it's wrong :)

As for the 5 out of 21 question. Well from a hosting POV, I'd have thought 15 out of 21 would be just about okay so that's not so different. 12 out of 21 would have been my limit, but who knows what their costs/location/sanity limitations are. It's tough to be one of the 5, but if your DS didn't have a party and isn't close - or if there's another reason we can't know behind the non-invite - then that's cut-off and it's not quite the same as everyone but one or two.

BlueRedCat · 14/02/2026 13:26

JustGiveMeReason · 13/02/2026 18:22

On P2, the OP conceded that (from what she could work out) around 1/5 of the class (of 22) has been invited.

Her ds hasn't "been excluded" at all. He just wasn't one of the 4 children who have been invited to celebrate this particular child's birthday with him this time.

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I’ll be honest if my child was one of 4 out of 22 I would be worried that perhaps he wasn’t liked much and try to tactfully find out if he was doing something wrong to upset the other children. I wouldn’t demand an invite though but I’d just be more concerned. That seems like a deliberate message that your child isn’t liked so deliberately not inviting you rather than just not making the numbers.

personally it is up to half the class or the full class for me. I wouldn’t have invited all but 4 even if I didn’t like some of the children. But each to their own.

Netcurtainnelly · 14/02/2026 13:30

OnePeachExpert · 13/02/2026 22:46

My DD is in reception and it’s her birthday next month. She’s having a soft play party and I’ve had to limit her numbers to 10 from school so there’s room for her sibling/cousins/family friends too. I simply cannot afford a whole class party but she is desperate for a birthday party. It’s nothing personal against those who don’t make the cut, I’ve had to ask her to be selective.

‘Invite everyone or not at all’ is ridiculous.

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They won't necessarily all come.

Isthateveryonethen · 14/02/2026 14:14

I’m certain you give off a vibe about yourself, and maybe that’s why your ds didn’t get an invite.
the level of entitlement to even think you should feel angry about this, let alone wanting to message and ask about it - it’s just mind blowing.

allthingsinmoderation · 14/02/2026 15:51

worldshottestmom · 13/02/2026 20:34

I cannot believe my eyes reading these comments.

Let's all let go of our pride for a moment. Thats right, set it down on the table there.

These children are 4-5 years old. Yeah? OK. The party is about them. I understand that parents may only be able to afford to cater to so many kids, etc etc but if you cannot afford to invite everyone, don't hold a party.

And yeah I know, "I can hold a birthday party for my child if I like thank you very much!" Thats fine, but invite people very privately and dont make it the talk of the school by shouting about it at school pick up/drop off. OP said invites were sent out to some people in a WhatsApp group. Just feels bitchy im ngl.

My son has attended several birthday parties now, where everybody was invited. Im not in a financial position to throw him a raging birthday party, so we go do something else fun instead. If i did throw him one, everyone would be included. No question.

This is not about any of you. Kids parties are not about you. Its not about inviting who you like and not inviting who you give dirty looks to at the school gate for no reason.

Everyone should be included. When theyre older, yeah, they get a friendship group and its normal not to invite the whole 1000 pupils per school to a birthday rager. These kids are 4 years old. They shouldn't be made to feel excluded and left out at that age, its just sad.

I know im going to get hate for this comment, I dont care. I stand on what I say, OP, you are not being unreasonable. Whether you should text her or not idk, I wouldnt wanna have to beg for my child to go to a party. If she wanted to be inclusive she would have been. Just sad some people dont consider how upset this will make other kids when they know it'll be talk of the class.

Leave hate comments here:

I cannot believe your comment.
I don't think it fair or reasonable to suggest that if a parent cant afford to have a large party and invite the whole class then those children dhouldnt be allowed to have a birthday party.
"everyone" cant always be included.....for many reasons.

snoopyfanaccountant · 14/02/2026 16:24

I only recall DD1 being invited to one whole class party. It was a football party and in the middle of the summer holidays so I suspect that the whole class was invited in the hope that enough weren't on holiday to allow them to actually play football.
DD2 came out of school with a party invitation on day 2 of Primary 1. The child had been the only one in the year to go to a particular nursery so didn't know anyone so the mum invited the whole class. This started a trend in the class for whole class parties.

Can I come at the whole class parties from another perspective. I have a friend who is a single parent on a minimum wage term-time only job. Her marriage broke up while she was pregnant due to her husband having an affair, and after the child was born she moved back to the UK for family support. She moved into a 1 bedroom flat in a poor area of town but sent the child to the school close to her mum's in a much wealthier area as she needed her mum's help before and after school.
Whole class parties were the norm in the school so the child was being invited to up to 29 parties a year. That's 29 presents to buy and transport costs to soft-play centres/trampoline centres/other venues. There's then the feeling that she should reciprocate by hosting a whole class party but there's no way she can afford it and the child has a winter birthday so games and a picnic in the park isn't an option. On the face of it, whole class parties look fair but they create other problems.

Kate1678 · 14/02/2026 17:49

My sons in reception…he had a 5th birthday party, I invited all the class bar 2, who had been unkind to him! Did I feel bad….not at all!

sesquipedalian · 14/02/2026 17:54

“If 5 out of 21 is not invited do you people really think this is ok?”

Yes, I do. If there are limited numbers or limited space, you simply have to draw the line. It may be upsetting when your DS is among those not invited, but it’s not at all unreasonable on the other parent’s part.

WhatMyNameis · 14/02/2026 17:57

Every year mums get more unhinged 🤣

Tell him he’s not invited, this party isn’t for him. Kids are allowed to feel disappointment you know, it’s a normal human emotion.

When you do a party yourself INVITE HIS FRIENDS.

Newname29 · 14/02/2026 17:57

Not everyone can afford to invite 20+ children. YABVU

DotAndCarryOne2 · 14/02/2026 17:58

I think the only acceptable text to the mum in these circumstances is to tell her that because her DS has been chatting to yours about the party, he thinks he’s been invited but you haven’t had a formal WhatsApp invitation. I would say no problem either way but ask her to clarify.

Mapletree1985 · 14/02/2026 18:00

Downplay whatever you're feeling in front of your son. If you treat it like it's no big deal, he'll treat it like no big deal. If you treat it like a major insult and rejection, that's how he'll see it too. He will take his lead from you. Also, resist the urge to get over-involved with your child's friendships. Friends will come and go. Let it happen organically. Don't try to manage it.

Makingadecision · 14/02/2026 18:00

Try and use it as a teaching resilience to your ds not a witch hunt about invitations

Biche37 · 14/02/2026 18:01

Oh my word please do not text that poor mother it’s not a personal attack on you or your kid. People have different types of parties the whole time, please accept this. When it’s your party, it’ll be your turn to decide the rules and invite list!

MummyWillow1 · 14/02/2026 18:05

RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 16:53

I get that but its just awful. So if he is being excluded from a few, out of 22 kids in the class. Shall i make sure to exclude them 3 next year who didnt invite him but invite everyone else? Because why would i invite them otherwise.

if its too pricey invite few kids or dont do it at all. I think its nasty but need to calm down before i do something which i will regret

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You are b!tch!ng about kids being excluded and planning to exclude kids yourself?! That is even worse.

Auroraspyjamas · 14/02/2026 18:09

RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 16:48

Reception. Its Feb so kids know each other well enough. Bday party tomorrow, idk how many not invited and how many invited but my son has been excluded. They do play together at school but i dont know the mum. They had chats today about party tmrw, my DS feels he is invited and he is fully aware of the party. Apparently invitations went out by whatsapp directly. I am on whatsapp group so it is not an error. Fine not to invite everyone but in reception? They dont have own little circles of friends yet. Invite everyone or no one at that age. And then talks at school and some kids end up upset. I am so so angry now and will need to have a chat with ds. should i text the mom it is hurtful or should i leave it?

just to add. I dont really know parents there and not sure if she is well known, i am worried i will be a gossip no 1 afterward and it would lead to my ds being excluded more.

aibu - dont text
not aibu - text

I have a reception aged daughter. Have been to several parties with her this year. About 50 percent are whole class and the rest are a few kids that the child has specifically said they play with. The most recent party had about 10 kids at it. The mum said to invite the whole class would be too expensive which is totally fair enough I think. Is your kid on the younger side for the year? My dd is one of the older ones and in my experience has set friends rather than playing with everyone. I appreciate it might be different if they were younger. If we were having a party now I wouldn’t do whole class, just the ones she mentions regularly.

Haribomum7 · 14/02/2026 18:10

You better get used to it. Your dc won’t always be invited to everything and other kids will do stuff they don’t like. Unless it is very serious, do not get involved and don’t do the ‘he didn’t get invited so I won’t invite them’. Just leave them find their own circle of friend and do something nice instead of the party. Or you’ll become the nightmare mum everyone dreads, which will lead to your dc being excluded as no one wants the hassle. Leave them live their lives and don’t judge others . That mum might not have the budget to invite everyone? It’s just a party.

Auroraspyjamas · 14/02/2026 18:17

Auroraspyjamas · 14/02/2026 18:09

I have a reception aged daughter. Have been to several parties with her this year. About 50 percent are whole class and the rest are a few kids that the child has specifically said they play with. The most recent party had about 10 kids at it. The mum said to invite the whole class would be too expensive which is totally fair enough I think. Is your kid on the younger side for the year? My dd is one of the older ones and in my experience has set friends rather than playing with everyone. I appreciate it might be different if they were younger. If we were having a party now I wouldn’t do whole class, just the ones she mentions regularly.

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One other thing I’d say is rightly or wrongly I do notice that the more socially active parents tend to have their kids be invited to more things. So if you make an effort to talk to the other parents at pick up and drop off and organise play dates etc then sometimes kids get included on that basis. I make a big effort for partly this reason and I started doing so in part as I heard someone mention it on MN, so thought I’d say in case helpful.

Millymolly99 · 14/02/2026 18:23

.

Mo819 · 14/02/2026 18:24

RealReginaPhalange · 13/02/2026 16:53

I get that but its just awful. So if he is being excluded from a few, out of 22 kids in the class. Shall i make sure to exclude them 3 next year who didnt invite him but invite everyone else? Because why would i invite them otherwise.

if its too pricey invite few kids or dont do it at all. I think its nasty but need to calm down before i do something which i will regret

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That would be really petty you need to learn your child won't always get invited to every party and stop taking it so personally .

Noonshine · 14/02/2026 18:25

RealReginaPhalange · 14/02/2026 10:53

Jesus some of you are unbelievable, honestly. As much as i appreciate your time to comment here, calling me unhinged etc for “demanding an invitation” or being “party police” because i want to dictate other parents how to throw a party. I get it might be because of your own experience or whatever but chill out. Not once i said he should be invited and this is what i want to achieve. I said everyone should in MY opinion. I look at it differently and i can look at it in any way i want to, but i do understand people have different views and will do what suits them, fine. I would do what i think is right - i.e. at that age invite all or none. He didnt have a party few months ago bc i was on maternity and it is expensive and i didnt want to be in that exact same position.

inviting half of the class or less than half seems fine. From talking to other parents and my boy it looks like only few have been not invited. Which i think its shitty. If 5 out of 21 is not invited do you people really think this is ok?

i got the point, didnt text, my boy is fine today, no harm done.

That's ridiculous. By your logic, it's better to deprive your own child of a party than not to invite everyone in their class. We always did whole class parties until Year 2 or so when it had largely stopped, but certainly not everyone did, as lots of people had cousins or neighbours they needed to fit into whatever the numbers cap was at wherever they were holding the party. It's not personal. You are creating a giant mountain out of a tiny, tiny molehill.

And no, certainly don't run around trying to get exact figures on who wasn't invited, so you know who to 'exclude' from your child's birthday party next year. That's the behaviour of an insecure thirteen-year-old, not someone old enough to have a reception-aged child.

Imanautumn · 14/02/2026 18:28

RealReginaPhalange · 14/02/2026 10:53

Jesus some of you are unbelievable, honestly. As much as i appreciate your time to comment here, calling me unhinged etc for “demanding an invitation” or being “party police” because i want to dictate other parents how to throw a party. I get it might be because of your own experience or whatever but chill out. Not once i said he should be invited and this is what i want to achieve. I said everyone should in MY opinion. I look at it differently and i can look at it in any way i want to, but i do understand people have different views and will do what suits them, fine. I would do what i think is right - i.e. at that age invite all or none. He didnt have a party few months ago bc i was on maternity and it is expensive and i didnt want to be in that exact same position.

inviting half of the class or less than half seems fine. From talking to other parents and my boy it looks like only few have been not invited. Which i think its shitty. If 5 out of 21 is not invited do you people really think this is ok?

i got the point, didnt text, my boy is fine today, no harm done.

I have to say excluding a minority of kids at this age is in my opinion a crappy thing to do. I wouldn’t have done it. I think it’s unkind and thoughtless and I totally understand why you’re hurt. I think those who preach not everyone can be invited are missing the point it wasn’t about being included when these are the numbers it’s actively excluding some kids. Which is mean and adults should know better.

Spanglemum02 · 14/02/2026 18:34

By the time they go back to school after half term, it will all have been forgotten about. We invited 10(?) kids to DDs 5th birthday. Some from school , some from other places.
Kids that age talk about all sorts of things that they have misunderstood. I hope ypur son is not upset but it is one of those things that we cant all do everything.