To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

[Ovenpizzafordinner]

Very driven and ambitious in terms of the children. Head of PTA, attends school trips, all school competitions and so obviously wants to win.
Lots of after school activities, no rest for the kids, various tutors. Pushing children to do shows and perform for others.
Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights.
Lots of mingling with wealthier families or wanting to be around influential/successful families. Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc. Very strict about screen time.

Whilst I agree/admire some of this, it must be exhausting surely? Plus, is it good for the children?

What makes a mum like this? It doesn’t look a happy place to be

Instagram. Got to be the best. Competition. Got to be the best. Dreadful pressure to put on yourself and your kids. Miserable

I hate this race to the bottom mentality that seems to have crept into our society at the moment that any kind of ambition or drive to better yourself is "exhausting" or pretentious. No wonder we have the lowest productivity of pretty much any country in the world.

😂😂 Our productivity problem isn’t because more mums aren’t on the PTA & pushing their dc into competitions.

I was a bit like this while a SAHM because I put effort into my role, same as I put effort into my job. Some people don't put much effort into things, others do.
However:
Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights. - What's wrong with this? Some of us don't like pool holidays?
Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc. Very strict about screen time. - have you seen the state of society? Healthy eating and minimal screens is not something to be judgy about, good grief.

Are you seriously suggesting that a mother would cook from scratch, limit screen time and junk food, and allow her kids to participate in activities so she can post on Instagram??

I feel like this thread is an alternate universe. This is pretty much standard for most of the families I know.

No of course not, but if people are made to feel like any attempt to improve their or their children's lives is worthy of scorn then why would anyone bother?

I know someone like this. She comes from a "good" family (from a snobbery perspective) and her husband is wealthy, yet she seems to be obsessed with keeping up with others. I don't know where the insecurity comes from. Her Hyacinth Bucket routine is relentless.

BTW the fact that she's into all that snobbery bullshit is the only reason I mentioned her family. All her husband's family say how much of a snob she is. They're not like her at all, and her own family are lovely.

I have known loads of these type.Come the teenage years they had murder because the children downed tools and said no more.

I think that is the risk of doing too much.

My daughter is at university now and participates in a competitive sport. She's competing near to home next month so I'll.be going to watch her. It's all down to her.

Both of my children took their foot off the pedal during GCSE years but both took up hobbies again afterwards. It's interesting because the stuff my son does now still follows the same pattern - something creative, something physical and something sociable/life skill.

I think the main thing it gave them was normalising having hobbies and interests (they always saw me doing it as an adult too) and I like that because life isn't all about work and I'm glad they have more in their lives than just watching TV, scrolling and drinking 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Thepeopleversuswork I didn’t read it as scornful. The OP said she agreed and admired some of it and was asking about what drives it.

Many posters seem to have missed that bit and assumed @Ovenpizzafordinner is advocating for junk food & AI holidays.

Whilst I agree/admire some of this, it must be exhausting surely? Plus, is it good for the children?

I saw a really good reply on mumsnet alittle while ago on another thread and a very wise poster said something along the lines of when ppl like to dress up their judgement of others as concern. I think this matches your op perfectly.

You sound jealous. Most of what you describe is positive and not a reason to judge someone.

My Mum did this and worked full time. Books were always free never said no. Piano, gymnastics, ballet. Tutor when teachers left at school - economics a level covered by her care. We didn’t do beach holidays either.

I absolutely adore the childhood and memories she created in relation to this aspect of her parenting - I can see how very lucky I was / am.

I’m not sure what’s causing the issues with you but this other Mum sounds like she is doing her best for her children ..that that bothers you is something to reflect on

What, constantly? How often do you see them?

You do come across as jealous, I agree with other posters saying this. Because ultimately, is it bothering you in any way? You don’t have to take them to clubs, cook their meals. If she wants to do all of this it’s her prerogative. Some women are very high achievers and manage to fit this all in.
Also, I don’t think kids so clubs unwillingly, mine certainly don’t. They do do a lot (we have 4 clubs across the week) but we did have another and they hated it so we stopped. Perhaps the kids are enjoying it. What clubs are your children doing?

😁❤️

That's a very extreme take on my (light-hearted) comment... You must be tired too!

There was a lot more on that list than cooking and limiting screen time (and I do at least one of those successfully 🙌).

All the PTA and school activities in particular scream SAHM, just because I can't imagine someone working full-time and finding the time or energy to do all this on top!

But I'm sure there is someone somewhere in the world that will prove me wrong 😉
In the meantime, it's Friday and I need a nap...

Agree - and these children had the choice to stop because they had been participating. The children who didn’t have the opportunity will then likely never have the choice to join in such sports as a teen.

Trying different activities teaches you transferable skills that don’t leave you and can take you through a successful adulthood in terms of relationships and career - even if you discovered you hated or got bored with rugby, dance, flute - you learned to be accountable, join in, turn up, cooperate, socialise outside of your school set, train, fail, practice, accomplish something etc.

The OP literally says:

It doesn’t look a happy place to be

When posters express "concern" and say they don't look happy about the way other people live their lives it usually comes from a place either of jealousy or judgement. Why else would you bother?

Most PTAs and parents taking part in trips had jobs. Very few SATP in our childrens' classes. People couldn't afford it.

I do all this apart from the mingling. And I work full time but flexibly so I can catch up in the evenings.

i don’t have any childhood trauma and I’m not on instagram. I don’t think it’s that unusual to do these things and have a full life?

Extreme? Or as mild and 'light-hearted' as yours?

You should check your iron levels if you tire so easily. 😊Enjoy your nap...

Long time ago. My DC had after school activities (music, basketball, cubs, church club, gym, swimming - not all at once and except swimming, music and church club, not both). We went on holidays that were beach hols with excursions, and on city holidays that included art galleries, hols at home included visiting e.g. prehistoric sites, houses, toy museums, weird art, science museum and natural history museum when in London, theatres when something was on at Christmas etc. I cooked from scratch most days - sometimes did a batch of food and froze one - made clothes, went out with other families (some richer than us, some not) and encouraged reading (sci fi, fantasy, DD liked Cynthia Voight/Wynne Jones' Dalemark series (DS still has some of them - he liked Tolkien), historical novels etc), encouraged the humanities, painting, dance etc as well as science and maths. The aim was a well-rounded education.
I engaged in various political campaigns at the same time as well as having a go at writing a couple of novels. I wasn't on the PTA (hassle) but did go to shows and to fetes etc. always. Ex-H also took full part in this, encouraging music, museums etc as we were both interested in these things.
It all seemed very relaxed at the time and we were not haring about everywhere, spent Saturday mornings with DD shopping/library/tea and cakes (this one my ex H objected to for some reason and was probably one strand in the resulting divorce).
I also worked p/t and then f/t once younger child was five. I did not see this as performative parenting, though it had a little to do with the fact that some of it was missing from my childhood (not the books or the museums and art galleries - I was brought up in London and encouraged to go to the galleries on my own and my parents would make special trips when an important acquisition was made by e.g. the National Gallery).

The reason I see it as performative parenting is because why else take to the internet to tell everyone, and proclaim your way as the best way?

There seems to be a large group of parents (predominantly mums) who are so confident in their parenting choices, they need to declare them to everyone.

I also don’t see the value in constant activities and education. There was someone on here the other day who was doing school work before school, school work after school, various activities, educational trips out. When are your kids just kids, once they’ve finished with all their exhausting tasks?

You don’t have to imagine. I have 4 DC and working full time - at different times have been head of PTA, class rep, ran Scouts, on committee for local charity. Took up most 1 evening a week. Could do the admin

All of my friends and peers found time to either be a school Governor, manage a football team etc.

It’s important role modelling for children to see that they have a civic duty and get involved. I have lots of lovely friendships from each of these activities and we had fun on the tombola, school fete BBQ etc.

This woman hasn't taken to the internet to tell you though, her judgmental relative has lol!

I can't speak for the woman doing random school work (?) before and after school but my own children did their homework and my AuDHD son had some tutor help in secondary school for an extra two hours a week. Their lives weren't taken up with school work.

They had activities but downtime. We had family days and, as they got older, they had their days when they just hung out in their rooms when they wanted. No round the clock school work here!

You're conflating doing something with doing it performatively: these are two different things.

Sure, if a woman endlessly posts about her delightful home-cooked meals and her children's academic achievements on Instagram it's tedious bragging.

But wanting to go on a walk with your children or signing them up for after school basketball, or taking them to a museum isn't tedious bragging unless you plaster it all over the internet.

It may surprise you to learn that some women have motivations in their lives other than being on Instagram.

I’m sure it’s been said already (afraid I don’t have time to read the full thread) but do you have any idea how much hard work it is to run a PTA?! Maybe your community is more hands on but in ours it’s flipping difficult to get people to step up, added to which many just can’t fit it in along with work. Equally, school trips require an adult/child ratio - is she the parent stepping up to make sure they happen? I watch all my kids competitive sports - I’m there to support them - does that make me weird? And I also have a child who sees a tutor as they really struggle - would it be better if I just left them to fail and fall miles behind everyone else? Maybe she’s a bit full on, maybe she’s just trying to make sure her kids get the best start and don’t miss out on things she did or didn’t have. Stop being judgy, better an attentive parent than one who doesn’t engage at all I reckon!