Thoughts on my husband considering going darts/ pub this evening when I am really unwell and have two children aged 3 and a 7 month old baby

[Biosblbay]

So I have woken up this morning the worst I have been so far this week. It is awful, I think it’s flu, blocked and painful sinuses, chesty cough bringing up thick green mucus, achey etc. it has been ongoing since Sunday but today is definitely the worst day. My husband couldn’t help with the children today, we woke up late and he had to rush out to work even though I asked him to quickly help me feed the dogs of change a nappy to help me but he couldn’t as he had a teams meeting at 8:30. So before I left I said to him “as soon as you are home from work I will be vacating to bed” because i won’t get must rest at all today and it’s going to be a struggle for me”. I could have taken my 3 year old to pre school today but I just don’t have the energy to get him ready, rush do his packed lunch then pick him up later. My husband said that’s fine, he will come home, do the children’s dinner (but it will most likely be me doing it anyway because he will be home too late) get them ready for bed and put them done for the night and then he will go darts.
I said to him “are you joking” and then it sort of just turned into a bit of an argument before he left for work. He said he isn’t going now or will go if I am feeling better later which I know he won’t, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that he would even consider going out this evening when I am struggling. I have been ill all week still doing everything at home but today is a right off and even feeding the baby is a huge struggle for me

Also how do you care for such young children when so unwell? It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! Luckily my 3 year old is better now as he had it as well and somehow my baby has dodged it!

If he comes home and does dinner then puts them to bed, I don’t see the problem really.

If I was ill I’d rather have the evening alone to be honest, if the children are likely to just go to sleep at bed time!

Forget Valentine’s Day cards and mushy romanticism, it’s in these situations you really know if your partner loves and cares for you. He sounds like he’ll begrudgingly stay at home, and you shouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt, go to bed and get better. He should be bloody well staying in and prioritising his family’s well-being. Not his darts night. What a dick.

@MidnightPatrol now I feel bad :( I just thought if baby or my 3 year old wakes up when he is out then I have to obviously see to them, which happens most nights. I just don’t have the energy and I desperately need the undisturbed sleep 😩

@Screamingabdabz now I don’t feel bad 😂 I just said above to someone that I feel guilty now as they said they can’t see the issue, but I am really struggling and he should willingly want to stay home to help me with the kids and even help me!

Do you have to deal with most night wake ups?

I think he should have taken the day off work to look after his children, or sorted other childcare, rather than just assuming his ill wife will do it.

If they usually wake up (mine did at that age) then you definitely aren't unreasonable. If they go down and sleep all night it might be more understandable.

If they’re guaranteed to wake up then I can see why you want him there. Otherwise I think it’s fair enough for him to put them to bed and go out while you get an early night.

He's being a twunt. If your DC are highly likely to wake up, he should definitely be at home.

My DH sometimes needs things spelling out to him rather than offering, but he wouldn't have argued if I'd asked what you have.

@sittingonabeach most of them as he doesn’t wake up. He is a heavy sleeper, I am a light sleeper. Plus due to his snoring he sleeps in the spare room which is not close to the kids bedrooms

Don't feel bad, he needs to stay home.

@BoredOfCbeebies I did ask if he could work from home today to help but he said he couldn’t because he has meetings. I do have a little help from my mum this afternoon which will help, but my mum is my only other bit of support I get

I hope he is planning to do all parenting at the weekend

He was planning to go after settling them for bed, presumably thinking there'd be nothing further required at that point. If your DC tend to go to bed and settle well until the morning, I don't think that's unreasonable. However if they wake throughout the evening then yes, that's bad.

@Imaginingdragonsagain the baby in unpredictable at the minute. She might skip her afternoon nap, if she does she tends to sleep all the way through, but if she has an afternoon nap, then she won’t go back to bed until about 10pm which he wouldn’t be home. He goes darts 7:30-11/11:30ish. My 3 year old recently has been having night terrors and has been waking up most nights for the past 2/3 weeks so also unpredictable!

@sittingonabeach it will most likely be me looking after the children as he has lots of heavy lifting/ moving things to do around the house which is going to be a long job. Also has furniture to build for kids new rooms, but at least he is here if I desperately need him to feed the baby or do a quick lunch for us all

Apologies if this has been said, but have you been checked for a chest infection? Green mucus doesn’t sound great?

Darts is four hours??! Sorry possibly missing the point but... I initially thought ah give him an hour down the local. But four hours is taking the piss a bit!

Sorry you're ill 😩 in terms of looking after kids while you're ill, well... this is what CBeebies was invented for!

If you’re still really ill tomorrow then surely those ‘heavy’ things can wait as you would take priority and the children being looked after?
He sounds a bit selfish and uncaring.

My three year old?
Or our three year old?
He should still be there whatever the answer I just wondered if you're the default parent or if the 3 year old is not his. This is the time when he needs to step up

Family > Darts night. If you're not well then he needs to be home to let you rest and to take care of the kids.

@Cosyblankets sorry they are his children so should say “our children”.

Don’t feel bad @Biosblbay so many MN posters have incredibly low bars for the men in their lives, or will accept being shat on from a height just to keep them.

Expecting the person who is supposed to love you, to put themselves out when you’re ill is the bare minimum. He should have been up earlier this morning, knowing he had an early meeting and thinking about what his family might need.

Dh looks out for me and I do the same for him when he’s ill. Mind you he had to learn - I sat into my car leaving him with two under two, so I could go to my mums and be properly cared for when I was very ill once. He persuaded me back into the house, and seriously levelled up his game after that. Hopefully yours will cop himself on too.

@rainbowstardrops well when I was in my first trimester I had really bad morning sickness, I asked for his help then and he said No because he had to do the garden (this is an old post of mine actually that I had to ask about on here to ask then if I was being unreasonable). So he may well likely say no this weekend as DIY needs to be done.

@Luxlumos this is where me and my husband are very different. I would cancel plans, come home from wherever I am at the drop of a hat, unfortunately he wouldn’t. This is where we are very different and where I get upset.

that is a very good idea but I just had nowhere I could go to do that. My mum lives in the granny Annexe at the back of our house and I don’t really have any other family that i can go to x