Thoughts on my husband considering going darts/ pub this evening when I am really unwell and have two children aged 3 and a 7 month old baby

[Biosblbay]

So I have woken up this morning the worst I have been so far this week. It is awful, I think it’s flu, blocked and painful sinuses, chesty cough bringing up thick green mucus, achey etc. it has been ongoing since Sunday but today is definitely the worst day. My husband couldn’t help with the children today, we woke up late and he had to rush out to work even though I asked him to quickly help me feed the dogs of change a nappy to help me but he couldn’t as he had a teams meeting at 8:30. So before I left I said to him “as soon as you are home from work I will be vacating to bed” because i won’t get must rest at all today and it’s going to be a struggle for me”. I could have taken my 3 year old to pre school today but I just don’t have the energy to get him ready, rush do his packed lunch then pick him up later. My husband said that’s fine, he will come home, do the children’s dinner (but it will most likely be me doing it anyway because he will be home too late) get them ready for bed and put them done for the night and then he will go darts.
I said to him “are you joking” and then it sort of just turned into a bit of an argument before he left for work. He said he isn’t going now or will go if I am feeling better later which I know he won’t, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that he would even consider going out this evening when I am struggling. I have been ill all week still doing everything at home but today is a right off and even feeding the baby is a huge struggle for me

Also how do you care for such young children when so unwell? It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! Luckily my 3 year old is better now as he had it as well and somehow my baby has dodged it!

@lessglittermoremud oh for goodness sake. It’s not just about this one weekend - OP must obviously have her totally justified “time off” when she is healthy. This weekend is about getting through it all; my suggestion was about being kind to DH before he takes everything over tomorrow. It’s not an instruction for parenting until the DC leave home!

(And fwiw I’m a disabled parent, became ill when DC were pre-KS1, worked with no family support other than DH (worked in UK & travelled abroad approx 50% split) but we still managed to work as a team. )

@CleanSkin have you read where OP says she hasn’t had a break for 4 years, where DH sleeps in another room so can’t hear the DC so doesn’t do night wake ups, where he didn’t support OP when she had severe morning sickness. I’m struggling to see why he deserves a break to go and play darts

I cannot fathom my husband doing that, no.
He's neither a decent man, husband or father.
Stop having children with him.
Stop the sex too, because how you have sex with someone so selfish is beyond me.

Moving anywhere with a selfish man is a really bad idea.

Get back to work and look at your options, but stop having children for starters.

Mind your chest, green mucus is an infection, be careful it doesn't become pneumonia through neglect, it can happen so easily, post partum. I know this.

That would be my thoughts

Did you miss the bit about the baby and the 3 year old, both of whom are likely to wake up?

He’s being a cunt

No I admit I didn’t see lack of a break since the first baby. In this case he has behaved like a thoughtless selfish shit for 4 years.

(I would still insist he goes out tonight, leaving me alone. And make his responsibilities for the weekend very clear. And inform him that if he doesn’t then FO and then do it a bit more. I also stand by the content of what I said about team work & compromise, but am less inclined to practice it with him!)

You obviously haven’t read all the OPs comments, she’s had little to no help for years from a man that is not only in this country but living within the house

@Biosblbay

I don't know if it's been said upthread, but may I suggest you NOT show him this thread?

First, this is your place to vent and seek advice. Do you really want him trolling through MN looking for things you've posted? Do you really want to give up this 'refuge'?

Second, the words of random women on a woman-based website will mean nothing. After all we're just a bunch of dissatisfied 'bitchy' women complaining about our 'men'.

As far as what you do right now, you just do the best you can. He's shown that you're the bottom of his priority list and nothing is going to change that. Call in your mum for what help she can give, even if it's only making you a cup of tea and a sandwich for your 3 year old and holding the baby for a bit. You're ill, it's time to throw some rules out the window. 3 year old won't come to harm being set in front of a screen/TV for the day. And giving them easy foods to prepare like cereal, sandwich, yogurt won't hurt either. The baby will be a bit more difficult, but if there's room both DC can be in bed with you. And your H can go whistle for his dinner.

As far as the future goes, I'd suggest you take a good hard look at the totality of your marriage, not just the parenting issues. I think if you do, you'll find that some hard decisions need to be made.

But factual

Have you read the OP's posts?

He won't

@lessglittermoremud See my post of 17:20.

”my” (DCs)…
”help” with the kids…
There’s your problem - even you agree you are the default
He’s not helping with your kids, he’s parenting his own!!! Ffs…

I absolutely hate how mums have to push themselves to the absolute limits always. If he was as ill as you are, would he have gone to work? I imagine he'd have called in sick or at the very least booked a wfh day in. However, you're stuck because he is your only option and he doesn't take onboard your opinion on how sick you are. He decided based on what suited him. He's meant to be a partner, he should've helped you out today and he should be running you a bath, fetching lemsip and tucking you up in bed.
If your children were perfect sleepers then I get it, or if he was popping out for 1 hour, also fine. Leaving you to be up with a baby and a 3 year old at 11pm when you've told him you're too ill to do it, is not ok.

I don't see a problem here for one evening.
He obviously isn't going to "willingly" stay at home, if pressured.
I presume he is the sole earner? Out of interest.

Did you miss the bit about her being extremely ill and having 2 young children?

@Luckyingame does him working mean he can opt out of parenting

Oh OP so much to see in all your threads about your utter wanker of a husband.

to answer today’s question no he should not be going out. Straight home to look after his children so that his wife can go to bed. Cook something for you. I would expect nothing less from my own DH and he delivers (not trying to rub it in).

your husband is a shit husband and a shit father - you really need to call time on this shit show of a marriage. You deserve so much more.

The op is on mat leave and will be returning to work in March.

If your partner is ill and has been for days, you take time off to look after your children at the very least. If you can’t, then you get home ASAP and take over.
whether that partner is on maternity leave or is a SAHM is irrelevant. If you are the sole earner - also irrelevant (unless you can’t take the time off). You certainly don’t fuck off to Darts.

its called being a decent loving partner and father. Very sadly, in this case the OP isn’t married to one.

He's only interested in himself and what he wants

He is an arse. Different situation but I currently have a badly slipped disc, been almost completely disabled for 6 weeks awaiting surgery. We have a 2 year old and a 5 month old baby.
My partner would normally go to poker every Thursday night but there has been no question of him going while I’m like this. He has to go work obviously but almost everything at home has been done by him (I hate it, I like doing it myself). All the shopping, cooking, housework etc.

He asked permission and was extremely grateful that I plodded on alone for 45 minutes last night so he could have a bath.

Do not feel guilty, your husband sounds selfish and uncaring.

Yanbu op he is a terrible husband and father. A 7mo will wake up lots and in turn probably wake the 3yo up. Knowing how ill you are he is just terrible at not staying and taking care of his children even if he didn’t want to do anything for you.
I would count on your stress and workload doubling once you’re back at work- this useless man isn’t going to step up.

I do really feel for you OP. I have been where you are. I left mine 2 years ago. Being a single parent is so much easier than single parenting in a marriage/relationship. My child is now 4 and thriving... with a much happier mummy. The realisation that they don't care about anyone other that themselves is really a hard one. I did the same as you... looked for validation that asking for the bare minimum wasn't problematic. I knew deep down I was never asking too much. I didn't have a full nights sleep for nearly 2 years (back at work part-time time in a professional role still breastfeeding and on minimal sleep)... whilst he slept a solid 8 hours every night in a separate bed ignoring my little one and I. Apparently I "dealt with being tired better than he did". Often I drove to work and had no idea how I got there. I nearly died in childbirth... haemorrhaged 2 litres of blood and was still expected to carry on regardless. My little one stopped breathing the day after being discharged from hospital and I had to go in the ambulance with her... I was on a 2 hour feed schedule (24/7) as she was jaundice and lost 12% body weight. Within a week or so of discharge, he had food poisoning and chose to spend 10 consecutive days lying in bed ignoring my newborn and I. He repeated this every single time he was "ill".... which was every 2-3 months or so. Even on Christmas Day once when he got out our of bed at 7:15am for 15 mins and then ignored us for the rest of the day. I was told my expectations were too high, that I had postnatal depression, that I "just needed to be nice to him". It was exhausting. I knew I deserved better, as do you. They don't improve. You just hope they will. I can't forgive him for how he treated me at my most vulnerable. It shows someones true character.

How are you feeling tonight, @Biosblbay? I hope you’ve had some rest, whatever route you took.
Hope the DC were calm & are sleeping.

Did your H go out?