Thoughts on my husband considering going darts/ pub this evening when I am really unwell and have two children aged 3 and a 7 month old baby

[Biosblbay]

So I have woken up this morning the worst I have been so far this week. It is awful, I think it’s flu, blocked and painful sinuses, chesty cough bringing up thick green mucus, achey etc. it has been ongoing since Sunday but today is definitely the worst day. My husband couldn’t help with the children today, we woke up late and he had to rush out to work even though I asked him to quickly help me feed the dogs of change a nappy to help me but he couldn’t as he had a teams meeting at 8:30. So before I left I said to him “as soon as you are home from work I will be vacating to bed” because i won’t get must rest at all today and it’s going to be a struggle for me”. I could have taken my 3 year old to pre school today but I just don’t have the energy to get him ready, rush do his packed lunch then pick him up later. My husband said that’s fine, he will come home, do the children’s dinner (but it will most likely be me doing it anyway because he will be home too late) get them ready for bed and put them done for the night and then he will go darts.
I said to him “are you joking” and then it sort of just turned into a bit of an argument before he left for work. He said he isn’t going now or will go if I am feeling better later which I know he won’t, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that he would even consider going out this evening when I am struggling. I have been ill all week still doing everything at home but today is a right off and even feeding the baby is a huge struggle for me

Also how do you care for such young children when so unwell? It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! Luckily my 3 year old is better now as he had it as well and somehow my baby has dodged it!

Her mum is there though.

So far op has only stated that her mum is helping a bit in the afternoon. Not evening.

Still not an excuse for DH to not give a shit.

@tellmesomethingtrue just to let you know my Mum has been ill for 10 days and only just today she feels ok, I have caught this from my Mum who I think caught it from my son. Lots of illness making its way round at the minute! But I cannot rely on my mum too much, she lives in an annexe near us for a reason. She can’t do too much x

@tellmesomethingtrue so grandma should take up the slack of parenting not the dad of the DC?

@Iocanepowder correct, as my recent response below my mum is actually in an annexe for a reason, I sometimes have to care for her. She can’t do a lot for me, all she can do is help for a few hours here and there. But @tellmesomethingtrue I shouldn’t have to rely on my Mum regardless, my husband should be the one to step in but he just chooses not too :(

Some people have really low standards when it comes to men. They raise their tolerance and lower their standards for themselves because they feel they cannot get any better than what they have.

Don't be that type of person. It's a sad and desperate situation to be in.

Raise your standards ans treat him how he treats you. Go out on Valentines day and leave him with the kids all day. Tell him you'll be playing darts, or learning to, or you're going for a spa day.

If you're coughing up muck, you probably need some antibiotics.

Anyway, don't let him make you feel fearful enough that you don't make a stand. It's when partners make a stand we really find out what our significant others are all about.

No, when you're that ill you need his support. After work he needs to take over with the kids. So everything on the house that needs doing. I'm sure there a lot of housework as you've been unwell for a few days.
He can't go out of you're very unwell. You need to rest and sleep. Not have one eye open listening out for the baby. That's really unfair.

Sadly it's a very typical scenario that many mums find themselves in. Many men don't ultimately care. Your well-being is not his priority, doesn't sound like it's ever been.

Mumsnet will tell you it's your fault and you should have picked an amazing man from the start.

Personally, my DH didn't reveal himself as useless and lazy until I got pregnant. Most women I know have the same problem. We just get used to carrying it all until we break and hopefully divorce.

Perspective here from the wife of a workaholic whose job is surgeon/pilot genre.

Had it been midweek and had he had a big case in court, no he would not have come home early and for the mega cases he usually booked an hotel at that stage to guarantee sleep from about 1am to 5am. I picked up a huge amount and the one occasion when I was too ill to look after ds, he had to engage a temporary agency nanny for a week - £850 in 1995!

Had it been a Friday night, he'd have come straight home and would not have breathed the words or thoughts "pub" or "darts"

YANBU - he deserves itching powder in his pants.

If you had two older children who reliably slept the night, then he might have a point. However, in your situation even suggesting going is pretty poor given a baby will, more than likely, wake up at some stage when he is out. I don't know what your 3 year old is like but I know mine, at that age, used to wake up pretty regularly, particularly if they were out of routine. Having a parent ill is definitely out of routine.

All too often I see a thread that makes me think

Husband Rocket Arse

Going to work is totally reasonable if he has work to do that he can't do from home. Going out tonight is not.

You shouldn’t feel bad about asking him not to go, because he should have come to the decision on his own, without prompting that he shouldn’t be going off to darts when you are are unwell……
Regardless of who sleeps well or if they wake up, you’re at home feeling crap and looking after the children, a partner who cares would phone once during the day to check in and get straight home to help in the evening and pack you off to bed….
Its no wonder women are deciding to stay single or I was reading an article the other day about women living together to help create their ‘village’.
If I knew a friend who was in your shoes today I would offer help, he’s your life partner and father to the children, you shouldn’t have to ask him to make you a priority. Hope you feel better soon!

Mums don’t get breaks, can’t see the issue if he helps before he goes.

Swap rooms

too many dad are heavy sleepers and just don’t hear their kids 🙄

bet they would hear a smoke alarm

equally if you are being woken up every night then sleep training might be something to consider

Oh let him go & have some time off; he will be so much happier & more relaxed if he does - we all need to do that.

Then, he can cover what you would do, for as much of the weekend as you’re unable to do.

And get to a GP for some antibiotics.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

LOL. The kind of man who fucks off to play darts on a Friday when he has a sick wife, a toddler and a baby, is NOT the kind of man who will wake up at 6am (and through the night) with the kids, tell OP to sit in bed for 2 days, while he cooks, cleans and cares for his children. He'll likely wake up hungover and do the bare minimum. Probably can't even make his own damn coffee.

I love society's constant concern for men's happiness. Poor little helpless creatures, aren't they.

"Go darts"

This is typical of most men. I was lucky but even he had to be told what I needed. How old is your Mum? Tell him to go sleep in the granny annex and Mum stay with you until you are better. He's an AH. Next time he's ill go out and leave him with the 3 year old and do not take care of him at all.

Stop justifying how you feel. You've struggled all week doing everything at home, so you can reasonably feel miffed when he said he was going out. He's changed his mind about going out now - as you wanted. Yes, he should have seen how unwell you are. Next time, give in at an early stage so he gets the message sooner.

He's taking the piss

Shows how thoughtful he is

@CleanSkin so when is OP going to have some time off. Maybe her need is greater so she can rest which will hopefully help her recover quicker?

A bloke that doesn’t get up to his children in the night as he’s a ‘deep sleeper’ and who thinks it’s appropriate to slink off to the pub for a game of darts (and let’s face it probably a few pints) when his wife has been ill all week and struggling on is not going to suddenly say for her to stay in bed all weekend….
When should the op get her time off??!! When she’s sick and resting in bed?
Its comments like these that are so ridiculous, we’d all be so much happier with more rest and getting to do what we want, but the majority of Mums don’t get that choice.

It’s a northern way of expressing oneself - go TO darts is equally good up ‘ere.

@TomAndJerrie5 A little bit of give-&-take on everything is helpful. I did also comment about him contributing after that. Also didn’t say that gets a free pass tomorrow morning! and saying he is “the kind of man” is pretty judgy, don’t you think?

No.
Put those jobs off.
The world can wait
Tell himyou going to bed all weekend
Furniture can wait.