Thoughts on my husband considering going darts/ pub this evening when I am really unwell and have two children aged 3 and a 7 month old baby

[Biosblbay]

So I have woken up this morning the worst I have been so far this week. It is awful, I think it’s flu, blocked and painful sinuses, chesty cough bringing up thick green mucus, achey etc. it has been ongoing since Sunday but today is definitely the worst day. My husband couldn’t help with the children today, we woke up late and he had to rush out to work even though I asked him to quickly help me feed the dogs of change a nappy to help me but he couldn’t as he had a teams meeting at 8:30. So before I left I said to him “as soon as you are home from work I will be vacating to bed” because i won’t get must rest at all today and it’s going to be a struggle for me”. I could have taken my 3 year old to pre school today but I just don’t have the energy to get him ready, rush do his packed lunch then pick him up later. My husband said that’s fine, he will come home, do the children’s dinner (but it will most likely be me doing it anyway because he will be home too late) get them ready for bed and put them done for the night and then he will go darts.
I said to him “are you joking” and then it sort of just turned into a bit of an argument before he left for work. He said he isn’t going now or will go if I am feeling better later which I know he won’t, but am I being unreasonable to feel angry that he would even consider going out this evening when I am struggling. I have been ill all week still doing everything at home but today is a right off and even feeding the baby is a huge struggle for me

Also how do you care for such young children when so unwell? It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!! Luckily my 3 year old is better now as he had it as well and somehow my baby has dodged it!

Then he sees you as the default parent.
Is there a plan for you ever going back to work?

Well in that case, he’s even worse than I first thought!
Sod the garden and sod the DIY when you have an ill wife that’s had to manage two children all week whilst struggling! He wouldn’t get a choice if he was my husband. Do you have family that you could spend the day with, so that you can just rest? Obviously leaving the kids with him!

@Cosyblankets I go back to work full time mid March, my first day back is the 16th. I have told him he needs to step up a lot more as I do everything at home at the minute as I am off work. I am pretty exhausted. I haven’t had a break in 4 years! I posted yesterday that going back to work is worrying me because I don’t know how I will cope.

No I’d expect him to stay home too. As long as you’re in the house you’re still on duty if he’s not there. You can’t fully switch off and rest as they might wake up and you still need to listen out in case they need you.

My partner has said similar in the past about ‘once the kids in bed what difference does it make’ but it’s completely different knowing there’s another adult in the house to step in if needed especially as yours have been waking regularly. Also if he might end up hungover and less helpful tomorrow that’s also unfair when you’re feeling awful.

Depending on what time he started work feel like he could’ve got the toddler ready and taken to and from nursery too! But appreciate timings might’ve affected that depending on his job.

While there’s an element of having to get on with it when you’re ill as a parent, you’d already done that all day. As soon as he got home he should’ve taken over completely while you went to bed and switched off.

If he goes out - he’s an arsehole
if he stays in and behaves like a martyr - he’s still an arsehole

@rainbowstardrops I don’t have much support really. Plus my mum lives in the annexe in our back garden and it is only a 1 bedroom so no room for me. And other family either live too far, don’t have the space or not close enough x

@Strawberrryfields thank you for this. If he still decides to go tonight, I will be showing him these comments from others just so he knows it’s not just me overreacting or being controlling. You worded it so well!! But that is literally it, even when the kids are in bed, I still have to be on high alert in case one wakes up which most likely they will!

Eurgh this boils my blood. If you're poorly and the children need looking after, the other parent should be stepping up. House jobs and furniture building can wait, just like work would have to wait if your husband was poorly off work. I feel sorry for you. He needs to prioritise you and allow you to rest.
Otherwise next time he's ill I'd be fucking off out and leaving him to it. He will soon see sense next time.

This doesn’t bode well for you op. Going back to work full time and being the main carer for the children because he won’t step up is not going to go well. I suspect we will see a lot more of you on here complaining about how shite your husband is.

Would your mum be able to drop DC3 to pre school so you only have the baby to look after? It sounds like you have a sinus infection and would benefit from seeing a pharmacist, but you really need to get some rest. DH definitely needs to step up after work and not swan off to the pub, you won’t be able to rest knowing you are on duty and likely to be woken. He does sound quite selfish generally though.

Mine would variously be up the entire time he was out and then half the rest of the night.
he’s a horrible person op. When you go back to work, make sure he does the pick up and dinner most nights. Then you work late and come home and look blank, make him step up. Or the mornings if you can get up and go and leave him to it. For what it’s worth my dh was pretty unhelpful when I was ill with babies to look after. He really only changed when I said if this was his idea of love then I wanted a divorce because at the moment, I was not growing old with him and statistically as you get old one of you will get sick and I was definitley absolutely not caring for him if he had cancer or surgery so I needed to leave as fast as I could to find someone decent to grow old with.

Honestly it’s so hard when you’re feeling terrible, I’ve got your back! 💪 Hope you’re feeling better soon!

agree with susie above, youll be on here a lot in future ss it sounds like he doesn’t understand how much you do and thinks it’s a breeze and doesnt understand how to look after someone thats ill.

regarding green gunk being coughed up- thats likely infection and you'll need antibiotics to clear it. get the gp today if you can as mondays a long way away.

talking of which, make sure he does everything you do for the kids at the weekend. many men seem to think that when a woman is on may leave it means she works 24/7.
it doesn’t to me
to me it means she and he do their respective jobs during the day and muck in the rest of the time, with him having less of night feeds (if bottle fed) so he can get to work wirh a clear head, but still doing some.

id write a list of all to be done so you can start letting him see putting the kids to bed isn’t just jammies and bed, it’s also putting clothes away, laying out clothes, mending things or whatever.
it’s like a swan, everything like a well oiled wheel on top, furious paddling like a maniac underneath…. he only sees the swan. you can tell him about the other stuff tho.

hope you feel better soon.

This - but if your mucus is green you need antibiotics.

@Myeyeisnotokay I don’t think I will ever be his priority. He social life seems to be more important to him. I am not sure if you can but I have so many previous posts about him and reading back through them myself makes me realise how unloved I really am

Given your kids are likely to wake up, your DH should most definitely be staying at home tonight. At least you had the support of your mum this afternoon! All mums of young kids need support. It should be the dad,of course, but if he's useless it's amazing that your mum is there, until you can deal with him.

I’ll be totally honest @Biosblbay, I’ve just done a quick search of your posts (I don’t usually do this) and this prince of yours is the dipshit that’s arranged to go to Vegas with his mates and didn’t tell you. I remember reading that thread at the time and most probably commented on it.
Honestly, he is a selfish man who clearly doesn’t prioritise you or your children. I think you have some big choices to make.

@TalulahJP I have been posting about my husband for quite some time in here. It got a lot worse when I was pregnant with our second baby, that’s when I joined Mumsnet. What has been hard for me is moving to a new location, all my friends and family are over an hour away, getting pregnant only a few days after moving, being so ill in the first and second trimester and then in lots of pain in the third I hardly went out, not knowing anyone in the area while he was able to go out and meet new people and I was stuck indoors. It still seems that way today. I just don’t think my husband really genuinely loves me when you read back through what he has done in the past. I thought it would get better but I am still posting about him getting validation from others to make sure it’s not me being controlling or crazy like I am accused of being.

You must have had really amazing kids and babies that slept well.

Op YANBU

My DH and I have an understanding that if one of us ill, we are allowed to rest and the other parent steps in.

Are you able to secretly book a hotel for the night and as soon as he comes back from work, you leg it out the door?

I didn't even need to read your post, OP, the heading was enough: No, YANBU. Of course your DH should prioritise caring for his sick wife and three children over going to the pub.

YANBU. Flu came to our house recently and it completely wiped me out. My temperature was above 39°c and I couldn't stay awake. DP realised that this was not a situation where he could disappear for any amount of time, for any reason, and stayed home accordingly. If the kids had woken up, I wouldn't have known about it.
I've been this ill maybe two or three times in 7 years. Darts and the pub will be there next week, and the week after... It wouldn't kill your DH to miss one session.

It’s time to start thinking about LTB

Hang on what your mum lives with you? then she can be helping whilst your husband goes to work and doesn’t miss his important meetings.