Taking 3 year old daughter into Men’s Toilets

[dadtobe22]

I just wanted a sense check here as had a horrible experience earlier.

I’m looking after my 3 year old daughter today. Took her to the zoo this morning and headed to a Toby Carvery for lunch. We were having a lovely day.

On arrival I needed to use the toilet so popped upstairs to the gents and I stood at the end urinal and told my 3 year old daughter to stand next to me by the wall.

A bloke walked in and started huffing and puffing and had a massive pop at me asking if I had “no sense” bringing a little girl into the men’s toilets. I explained I was looking after her on my own today, I couldn’t take her into the women’s and I wasn’t prepared to leave her outside.

At this point he started squaring up to me telling me I was wrong. If I’d stood up to him any further he’d have probably gone for me. I was just thinking about keeping myself and my daughter safe at this point.

I walked away and walked back down towards the restaurant. I go to sit down with my daughter and he makes a menacing bee line for me, raising his voice in the whole restaurant telling me I was wrong and how I’d made him feel uncomfortable. He also started making protestations to staff. He seemed really triggered.

Again I just walked away and took a seat in a quiet corner of the bar away from the main restaurant.

The staff were sympathetic in tone but didn’t offer any explicit support (probably because they were a bit scared of this mad bloke which I
don't blame them for. I think they were just trying to keep the peace).

Was I unreasonable to take my 3 year old daughter into the men’s toilets? I’ve been doing this since she was born and have never had a problem or complaint. I would get it if she was 8 and could wait outside by herself but she’s 3?!

It’s definitely made me re think what I do in the future in this situation.

This is a him issue. Not a you issue

If it was your only option then fair enough, but agree with posters saying a cubicle is much better.

It's quite ironic that he was concerned about your little girl's safety whilst being aggressive himself and probably the biggest threat in there.

You should have gone into a cubicle... That's all. Not a big deal tho

I’d have taken her into a cubicle, that’s what my dad always did with me. Apart from anything else it’s much easier to keep an eye on her, and she isn’t risking getting in the way of anybody else’s splashing.

Another vote for a cubicle. But he sounds insane.

The disabled toilet isn’t for carers actually though to be honest I know most disabled people are fine with it. Your husband is perhaps lucky he’s not a menstruating fifty year old woman with an adult male person (related or not) to support.

I really do feel for dads. They can't do right for doing wrong. My DH had to change our baby on the floor of the men's loo once as there was no disabled toilet and no baby change facility in the men's loos.

Why didn’t you go into a cubicle, op? What made you feel standing your toddler next to a row of urinals was a good idea?
The bloke sounded unnecessarily aggressive but like it or not he had a point. Were you going to leave her standing there while he had a piss??

He was a nutter.
You didn’t do anything wrong but I’d suggest taking her into a cubicle to shield her view next time and when leaving the cubicle just take a peak out to check everyone’s decent.

I work in a building that has public toilets and because of the range of classes etc on offer we have loads of small people coming in with parents of either gender.
Ive seen Dads in your situation do 3 things

1. Knock on the door of the gents stick a head around and say they are bringing in their little girl, once inside they use the cubical (4 cubicles and a urinal)
2. Ask me to check the ladies is empty, take their daughter in and ask me to stand by the door to let any women about to enter know there is a bloke in there with his daughter.
3. Use the disabled toilet.

Any of the above are all perfectly reasonable, sadly the chap you encountered today was an idiot and if he had children probably never accompanied them to the loo.
If I’m out with my children (all boys) the two older ones (not quite teenagers) use the gents but go in as a pair and I stand outside the door. My youngest who is 6 comes in with me if his brothers aren’t with us or goes in with them into the gents if they are. When DH is with us they obviously all go to the gents…

I remember being really young and going in the male changing rooms at the swimming baths with my dad. I saw quite a few willys flapping about. It wasn't a big deal. I guess other options are cubicle, leave with member of staff, shout to bloke that your dd is there and you'll only be 30 secs.

I would have taken her into a cubicle, but you did nothing wrong. You going into the ladies would have been an issue and wrong and she is too young to go into the ladies by herself.

This ^^
Disabled next time.

I think you did very well to defuse a situation... when you encountered what sounds like a potentially violent and deranged thug.
Bringing your young child with you to the toilet is just normal.

Surely they would be using the disabled toilet?

The only thing you did wrong was not calling the police.

A cubicle may have been a better choice; but men's toilets often only have one or two cubicles, so there may not be one free.

However, contrary to how some women seem to be confused, urinals are against a wall and men use them by standing facing the wall - so unless somebody is really deliberately looking intently (which her dad could easily distract her from, and the men would probably angle themselves away from her view anyway), all you will see is a man's back.

Men don't have urinals as standard because they are all either exhibitionists or simply don't care about privacy when going for a wee; they use them because their biology enables them to easily do so with nothing private showing at all. Effectively, as far as privacy is concerned, a man's back is the equivalent of a cubicle door for a woman.

Cubicle next time. I made the same mistake years ago, but wasn't faced with an angry nutter

Don't use the disabled, you're not disabled. The clue is in the name.

How is the bar around fatherhood so low that people assume that a father out alone with his young daughter is a rare enough occurrence that using a disabled toilet can be justified!

Were there no cubicles at all?

YANBU though.

Well yes if the child is under 10 and can’t physically open the door that’s slightly annoying but many disabled children aren’t.

This. I wouldn’t have her standing next to disgusting urinals and seeing random men use it too.

I don’t personally see that it particularly matters if the three year old is a boy or a girl here. Presumably people are ok with three year old boys accompanying their dad into the men’s? Why would a man be uncomfortable with a three year old girl in the men’s but not a boy?

And boys are often going to be accompanying their mum into the female changing rooms and will see naked women. I don’t think this puts them at “risk”.

At school my 6 year old still changes in a mixed group.

Cubicle would have been a better choice but sometimes the cubicles are so rancid you would rather the very tiny risk of her seeing a strangers nob (which in reality will not in fact cause a small child to explode and it is unusual in the extreme that there would be naked men in the mens loos, nor do they tend to whop out the whole thing to have a wee..*data gathered from both personal experience and DP's experience, as a nob-owner and user of urinals).

The facilities for disabled people are for disabled people, OP gives no indication that he or his daughter are disabled, nor is either a baby in need of a nappy change, therefore the accessible facilities for disabled people are not for them!

(I don't think baby changes should be in there either personally but thats another argument for another day. There should be a baby change in there... for parents with disabilities to use. Most are not actually accessible for parents with disabilities!).

Child should go with the parent to the toilet that fits the parents requirements. If someone feels uncomfortable that there is a child in there they can - use the cubicles - come out and wait for the offending child to leave.