To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

[LostMyPink]

DH doesn’t really have much of a relationship with his DM, or DB (low contact with both) and his DS lives over an hour away. Very different upbringing to me, and very different family dynamics. I come from a close knit family that bends over backwards to help each other, and am lucky they live more locally, and my DP help with childcare once a week.

We have 2 DS - DS1 is 2yo and DS2 is 3mo. DS2 is a reflux baby, so doesn’t tolerate being put down for very long, and while I can do certain things while baby wearing, there’s other things I can’t do while baby wearing like washing the dishes, carrying DS1, or changing DS1s nappy etc.

DH generally v hands on, deals with toddler bedtime, wakes him up in the morning and gets him ready before work etc which is great. DH hasn’t been out much socially from a month before I gave birth to DS2 (I was hospitalised with threatened pre term labour) and has had a few invites recently. With DS2 now being 3 months, by which point things should start to be easier, I feel like I should let him go and have some downtime/time with his friends. I know he’s also turned down a handful of social events in the last few months after DS2 was born. We’ve seen friends over the last few months, but we’ve usually had them round at ours as it easier with the little ones.

The issue is DS1 is at that age where someone needs to at least be keeping an eye on him, and he’s not old enough to do things independently, so looking after him is full on, and it’s hard with DS2 being a reflux baby to manage both on my own for more than an hour or 2, or at bedtime. So I’ve had my DP/DB/DS come over to give me a hand so DH can go out.

I don’t want to begrudge DH the occasional night out, attending his friends’ birthday drinks/evening out, but I’m starting to feel resentful that DH gets to go out and switch off only because I have my family around to support/help/come and spend time with the kids, whereas we have no support from his family.

You ‘let ‘ your DP go out ? That sounds very controlling of you .

maybe get your family to babysit so that you can also go out .
It’s not your DPs fault he’s got a crap family that doesn’t help ! Surely you knew that before you had kids with him ?

What is all this "support" everyone seems to expect? When my friends had young children, nearly all of them lived hundreds of miles from relatives, so they had to look after their own kids - usually whilst also holding down a serious job. And they paid for proper childcare.
I also wonder why someone would have a second baby so soon after the first, if they were so badly lacking in "support"?

Sorry DC2 has reflux, that’s hard work and exhausting.

YABU about the family support, and you too could take the odd break.

YABU.

As a couple, it sounds like you have masses of 'support'.

Perhaps you could look at life through a 'Glass half full' lens rather than a 'Glass half empty'.

Sounds like you have much more support than many.

Crikey, you have far more support than most people and are complaining it’s not enough. Yes, a reflux baby is hard work but lots of people have them and manage alone whilst also looking after other children.

You’re coming across as unrealistic and acting as if you are entitled to family support, which you aren’t.

You’re in a tough phase @LostMyPink especially with the reflux. But honestly, it’s best to appreciate the support that you do have, rather than resenting his family’s lack of interest.

I’ve been disappointed in DH’s family at times, but you can’t change people or force them to help you. In our case, the result is that my children (20 and 17) feel closer to my side the DH’s - their loss due to lack of effort. 🤷

It’s your DSs’ family helping with them not yours helping you. Why can’t they come and help him do bedtime and you go out?!

You are in the thick of it so it all feels overwhelming, but most people just get on with it, some without any family support at all.

Hang on, so I get this straight. You said: "I’m starting to feel resentful that DH gets to go out and switch off only because I have my family around to support/help/come and spend time with the kids, whereas we have no support from his family."

You're resentful towards him because his family - over whom he has no control - don't pitch in as much as your family? That's totally unfair. You're resenting him because of other people's decisions and way of living? Also you must have known about his low contact family situation when you got together and decided to have kids, so you signed up for this and somehow you are blaming him?

I am sure it's very hard for you at the moment but you are both entitled to a break. If you're feeling resentful (and at the wrong person) then you need to carve out some leisure time for yourself too so that you don't begrudge him his.

Maybe let was the wrong word to use. He’s mentioned in passing an invite to an event or a birthday, and I’ve said he should go before he’s said he’s thinking of going

Come on OP; you can do housework (including the dishes!) while “baby wearing”. I managed to decorate our entire living room with my baby in a carrier.

Laundry, vacuuming, dusting etc yes, but literally not the dishes due to the height of our counter and how far back to tap is! Trust me, I’ve tried!

I have been a parent for nearly 21 years and we’ve probably had 5-10 nights out together from our DC in that time.

DH has definitely had more social nights out and hobby trips away but that’s life.

Ive never expected help or support. Even when I had DC4 and DC3 had literally just turned 1 I still had to do school runs and stuff.

We have elderly DM’s and our siblings have their own lives and DC.

How can you blame your DH for his lack of family support?

You need to get on with it.

He’s low contact with his family - why would they put themselves out to help then? Low contact has consequences. Plenty of people survive with far less help than you so in the kindest possible way perhaps try to see it more positively. Also if you can afford a dishwasher now is the time to get one - agree dishes are tricky with babies in carriers.

Wow.

You get that family childcare isn’t some universal human right, right? We had DS in another country to all of both our families, so every minute of childcare that didn’t involve one of us was paid for. For years we socialised separately.

Have you asked then to help? Have they been welcomed to come round or kept at arms lengths?

I think you need to reframe this all, because you get more help than the vast vast majority of parents. Yes, it’s hard, but if you’ve never had them for more than a few hours on your own, you must realise that isn’t an option for most families? And certainly not for single parents.
it is funny though, because I remember when I had my first born, it felt quite busy, and then when number 2 comes along, you have absolutely no time for the new born at all, as toddler takes all of it, so you just strap them to you and get on with toddler care!

i think you both need to carve out time for yourselves, with the other parent learning to care for 2.

his parents don’t ‘owe’ you anything, especially if he doesn’t bother with them either, it’s just that you’ve got so lucky with an enormous amount of help from your side.

I just don’t understand this reliance on family. It’s lovely you are close and can hang out and receive help but many people take turns going out with zero additional help and then get a sitter for when they want to go out together.

I think the way a lot of these responses are worded are very harsh. OP it sounds like you are exhausted and sometimes it can feel like there is no end in sight. Particularly when you get to the stage where you think it will improve and it doesn’t. it does cloud your view of things.

You can’t blame your DH or his family for not helping. Plus it doesn’t sound like they would be much help anyway. But I do think that it would be a good idea to tell your DH that you are overwhelmed. It isn’t his fault, or anyone’s fault but it is a fact. Can he take a couple of days annual leave? Can you look into paid child minding so you aren’t relying on your family so much. Also check in with your family on how comfortable they feel about the level of support they are providing. Sometimes we can feel like a burden to others but they don’t mind or are happy to help. If it is too much for them it can help to guide you in your future planning. Is some of the issue that you need to be the one to arrange help and your DH is passing that mental load to you and that is hard to navigate?

This stage of parenting can make you feel very vulnerable. Do you have an outlet to talk about these feelings.

I don't understand why your family are happy to help you so your husband can go out, but wouldn't help him so you could go out? If you've got parent, a brother and a sister to ask, surely one of them wants you to have a break as well as your husband?

What is all this "support" everyone seems to expect? When my friends had young children, nearly all of them lived hundreds of miles from relatives, so they had to look after their own kids - usually whilst also holding down a serious job. And they paid for proper childcare.

I agree. 2026 is not the 1900's.

I remember feeling resentful in the same situation too, being stuck at home with a toddler and a baby while DH got to go to work and out to socialise - although we had no family support.

You need to sit down with your DH and explain how you’re feeling and look at what you can do differently to meet both your needs.

I had that age gap and managed bedtime without help- so did my husband. I flew alone with the 2 year old and a 7 week old to Australia from uk. You can be alone with them, it’s just hard. Surely you can go out and he can watch the kids alone and he can go out and you can watch th kids alone. It’s nothing really to do with family support.

But you both chose to have 2 young children you must have realsied what they were like?

You both can take turns to go out if you need to do that