To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

[LostMyPink]

DH doesn’t really have much of a relationship with his DM, or DB (low contact with both) and his DS lives over an hour away. Very different upbringing to me, and very different family dynamics. I come from a close knit family that bends over backwards to help each other, and am lucky they live more locally, and my DP help with childcare once a week.

We have 2 DS - DS1 is 2yo and DS2 is 3mo. DS2 is a reflux baby, so doesn’t tolerate being put down for very long, and while I can do certain things while baby wearing, there’s other things I can’t do while baby wearing like washing the dishes, carrying DS1, or changing DS1s nappy etc.

DH generally v hands on, deals with toddler bedtime, wakes him up in the morning and gets him ready before work etc which is great. DH hasn’t been out much socially from a month before I gave birth to DS2 (I was hospitalised with threatened pre term labour) and has had a few invites recently. With DS2 now being 3 months, by which point things should start to be easier, I feel like I should let him go and have some downtime/time with his friends. I know he’s also turned down a handful of social events in the last few months after DS2 was born. We’ve seen friends over the last few months, but we’ve usually had them round at ours as it easier with the little ones.

The issue is DS1 is at that age where someone needs to at least be keeping an eye on him, and he’s not old enough to do things independently, so looking after him is full on, and it’s hard with DS2 being a reflux baby to manage both on my own for more than an hour or 2, or at bedtime. So I’ve had my DP/DB/DS come over to give me a hand so DH can go out.

I don’t want to begrudge DH the occasional night out, attending his friends’ birthday drinks/evening out, but I’m starting to feel resentful that DH gets to go out and switch off only because I have my family around to support/help/come and spend time with the kids, whereas we have no support from his family.

We are in basically the same situation, 22month old and 3 month old and zero contact with PIL since before our youngest was born, they’ve never met him, not a miss as they are truly horrible people but it does mean we don’t have any support from that side of the “family”.

I’m not sure I understand why you need multiple adults to help you look after your children for one evening though? Fair enough some things can be tricky with two little ones but things like the dishes can wait until the morning if they really have to. It’s really important I think that you both get to take some time for yourselves. Spend the afternoon at park/softplay, let toddler run off as much energy as possible, have dinner ready to just heat up and leave the dishes til the morning!

It seems you are viewing this as some kind of competition- they are my family, so should only help me when needed. Your husband is part of your family, you are one unit. It's wonderful that you have support, so why does it matter when and how it is used? Has anyone stopped you from going out? Resentful is a strong word for something your husband has no control over. Do you want his family, who he and presumbly you, have no relations with, to babysit? Not that they are offering. Or are you expecting him to find his own help if he wants to go out? I'm not sure what exactly you are angry about but it seems you are creating unnecessary friction in your relationship.

You have 3 family members on your side who give support. That is more than a lot of families have.

You've always known he has no close relationship with his own family. A bit pointless to start focusing on this since you've had children.

I do get it's hard to manage two small children. But we're talking an evening out. You said DH gets DS1 ready for bed etc. So if he goes out after bedtime, it'll just be you and DS2. Leave the dishes or whatever housework for that evening. It's an occasional evening.

Leaving less than a 2 year gap between children was always going to be hard.

Im sorry you’re struggling but I think you aren’t thinking clearly. Are you really saying that your entire family does shift work with you so that you’re never alone with your own children? I feel like that’s the part that needs to be sorted out.

Babyproof one area of the house so it’s safe for the toddler and let them play and explore while you get on with baby care and whatever else needs to happen. If your husband is out for the evening, leave him the dishes to deal with when he gets back if that’s a major sticking point. Get a bouncy chair so your wee one can be more upright (worked really well for my reflux baby). It’s actually bewildering to me that you’d make your entire family co parent with you for months now.

Your husband sounds lovely and it’s certainly shouldn’t be surprising that his relatives aren’t showing up all the time. Wouldn’t that be terribly awkward anyway? He probably has his reasons and you need to respect that.

Am aware anecdotes don’t help but my husband and I are immigrants so have never had any sort of help. He worked away regularly when our kids were younger and I was on my own with them a lot. Some days were not ideal but everyone was always fed and loved. You need to figure out how to manage this before you fall out with your own family - that would be such a shame as they sound amazing.

YABVU to blame DH from the lack of help from his parents, especially given that he has made an active decision to be low contact with them. Surely he must have a good reason. You need to support him there, not blame him for the lack of visits from his parents. He also sounds like a decent man overall.

Not everyone has support from their parents, never mind their siblings. That's fairly unusual. I think you should appreciate how lucky you are and try to muddle through as a couple. A baby and a toddler is always challenging but this phase doesn't last forever.

Exactly as @PurpleThistle7 has said. I lived over 100 miles away from my mum when my children were small. No family help at all. I have a lovely friend who is from overseas. She's never had any family help.

You have 2 children. You need to be able to look after them on your own. I can't believe you never do this. It does smack very much as over entitled.

You’ve had multiple people round to help you when he’s gone out but you’re cross that more people are not helping? Please just realise how lucky you are- we had no one to support with our children.

I’m not really sure why you need so much help for an evening with two kids. Surely you just done wash up and you can put a baby down to change a toddler’s nappy.

Yes I was wondering this.

It sounds like you do get a lot of support from your family, so why is this being used for DH to go out each time? Surely if you need two adults to do bedtime or whatever then you alternate who gets the free time when your family are available.

Your husband can’t help who his relatives are and why they’re not close. I’m sure he looks at you and your family and how close you are and he wishes he had that for himself.

You had two very children very close in age, things are going to be tough for a while.

Get your DH to do bedtime for the eldest and then tell him to go enjoy his evening out. It’s one night of many, you’ll survive.

Yabu, learn to be alone with your children. Many parents go through worse things with disabled children and have to do it all alone! Bizarre thay you expect everyone owes you help. You wanted kids, they are your responsibility i dont blame his family not wanting to do shift work because your incapable of being alone with your dcZ

A very good point. You’re fortunate to have a wonderful and close family. He is not so lucky.

but regardless, I think you’re maybe exhausted. It’s hard work with such a tiny. Why not Ask your family to mind the children for an hour while you go for a walk with DH and chat about how things are. How you’d like him to feel able to go out with his mates occasionally. And you’d like to plan a short outing for yourself too.

you’re a team with good support. Make the most of that.

Your children, your problem. No one has to give you any support. You chose to have two children close together.

I don't think his family are the problem here are they? You are tired and overwhelmed.

I only realise in retrospect that I had a reflux baby (oh the guilt of not knowing) and I had almost no sleep. I was practically hallucinating and I didn't have a toddler to look after too. I remember my brother saying to SIL (who had a baby too) that he would watch the baby and she could go into town to have some "me time" .. I went home and cried, because no one had shown me the same consideration (DH is the kindest person and very hands on but it was all about the baby and I felt "unseen").

Forget about his side. Could you organise sometime for you? Doesn't even need to be a night out, perhaps an afternoon meeting a friend? DH or your family having the kids?

Also for us investing in a dishwasher was a game changer.

This is so much better than what I tried to say. You and your husband and children are one unit but it seems to be that your family can only help you. Why can't they come help with your partner at bed times if they are so awful and you need to get out.

Family help is great but equally you should be able to manage bed times solo from time to time and manage both children for more than hour without always needing someone there. I'm very lucky in I have great family support too but even I would have had something said if I couldn't manage a bathtime or few hours solo and both mine were reflux babies.

As I said above, you've chose to have two young children close together. It seems unfair that your family are being roped in several times a week to facilitate this.

If your baby's reflux is that bad then go to the GP and get medication for them. It'll transform them.
If your baby's reflux isn't clinical then suck it up. Parenting is hard. It's a season, days are long years are short etc etc.
Just be grateful you have family who help. Some people have no one.

I think you've had a hard time on this thread from the 'race to the bottom' types. 'I had to cope alone so you should too', sort of thing. In most human societies throughout the world and throughout history, children have been raised in extended family groups. It is totally normal to have family support, I have a similar set up to you by the sounds of it. Sorry for those of you who live far apart from your families or who have shit unsupportive families.

My in laws are also a bit shit, with the added complication that one of them is married to a paedophile who is welcomed to all family occasions including with children as though nothing is wrong. So, no support from DH's side.

I feel more sorry for my husband than anything else, having such a shit family.

I think the issue here for you is, your family are helping out, facilitating giving DH a break, but you aren't really getting equivalent breaks? Hence the resentment. I don't think DH should particularly be getting nights out etc if you can't also have similar.

Sorry but this is what having young kids is all about. You're very lucky to have support from your family. I had very little from either side but got through it and didn't expect it

Yes when people have children that is when the talk of support and the village comes into thoughts as in when people want help rarely when they help themselves

Sorry, I don't understand. Why can't your lot come and help your DH while you go out, if he can't manage both (as you don't, I don't think it's fair to say he should do it alone). Will they not spend time with him without you there?

Also being LC with toxic family saves you an awful lot of terrible visits and stress so there is always a silver lining

YOU and Your husband decided to have children.

the only person that has any responsibility and moral obligation to care for them is you and your husband.

yes it is bloody hard work at times.

but no family member is obligated to help you.

your family are happy to help out at times - say thank you - enjoy the support .

but don’t waste your life being angry that your husbands family aren’t involved.

it’s your life, your marriage, your babiesand ultimately your responsibilities.

Work out how you both get to have a rest at times whether that be a paid babysitter or family or friends that will help you

also I think part of parenting is accepting that life has changed and very often you can no longer do everything you want to do - unless you have endless money for babysitters or a nanny there will be times that you have to politely decline invitations. You’re not a couple any more - but a family and the kids needs are always going to control how many things you can do socially.

not saying you should become a martyr to parenting and of course you need time off - but they are both of your kids and you both have to care for them and in the early days it is pretty much 24/7 with little respite.

enjoy the help you have and stop being bitter about things outside your control - it will just ruin your life and make you miserable.

Also no matter how hard it is - it is not compulsory to hold them 24/7 - one of mine was like that - would have had me hold him the whole day - but things have to be done - sometimes you have to put them in their bouncy chair or floor mat or cot or anywhere safe next to you where they can see you - you chat to them and get on with a job. They will cry but you can chat or sing to them and stay ‘connected’ that way whilst you quickly do what you need to without them in your arms the whole time.

C,mon OP. Get real!

Just because his family expect their adult kids to be grown up enough to manage life on their own, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them.

If anything, I’d be more concerned about the co-dependency relationship you appear to have with your own family.

Firstly, I really don’t understand why you can’t manage your own two children on your own for an evening without needing extra people turning up to look after all of you?

Secondly, why can’t your DH look after his two kids for the evening whilst you go out?

You’ve got willing babysitters nearby so presumably, they’ll come over to babysit when your kids are in bed, if you want a couple of hours out in the evening together? That’s a massive privilege.

In my case, both sets of older grandparents were dead before we had DC and we live abroad from my siblings so we only went out once for a night out to a friends place when another friend offered to babysit DC (oldest was 12 at the time). That was our one and only night out using a babysitter. However, my older sister had kids when my mum was still alive but mum never had to babysit them. For one thing, sister lived about 30 miles away.

I think when you have children you need to be prepared to do it on your own, no matter how difficult and thank your lucky stars if family offers to help.
There's no reason why you can't go out for the evening same as your husband. Doing one bedtime alone isn't impossible.

We’ve had no support on either side for the last 20 years. I’d be ecstatic if we’d had anyone decent to help occasionally or take an interest in our kids. Whose side it was wouldn’t matter. Your husband is strong to have gone LC if that’s what he needed to do. I’d respect him for that rather than resent.

Having re read the OP am I right that it isn’t only bedtime you expect help, you’ve not had the kids on your own AT ALL for more than a couple of hours?

Early months can be tough but yes, YABU.

You have 3 family (it is irrelevant whose family) members to help out DP/DB/DS, and if they are not available and you can’t cope alone your dh will just need to step up and miss nights out for a bit. It’s just what happens with kids.

You are in a better position than most if dh is pitching in and you do have some other support too. Where is the “resentment” coming from? Is dh not really pitching in as much as you say making you feel overwhelmed and you are diverting the resentment from him as easier to blame the lack of support from his family. It is odd your priority seems to be giving your dh nights out when you are the one struggling here.