To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

[LostMyPink]

DH doesn’t really have much of a relationship with his DM, or DB (low contact with both) and his DS lives over an hour away. Very different upbringing to me, and very different family dynamics. I come from a close knit family that bends over backwards to help each other, and am lucky they live more locally, and my DP help with childcare once a week.

We have 2 DS - DS1 is 2yo and DS2 is 3mo. DS2 is a reflux baby, so doesn’t tolerate being put down for very long, and while I can do certain things while baby wearing, there’s other things I can’t do while baby wearing like washing the dishes, carrying DS1, or changing DS1s nappy etc.

DH generally v hands on, deals with toddler bedtime, wakes him up in the morning and gets him ready before work etc which is great. DH hasn’t been out much socially from a month before I gave birth to DS2 (I was hospitalised with threatened pre term labour) and has had a few invites recently. With DS2 now being 3 months, by which point things should start to be easier, I feel like I should let him go and have some downtime/time with his friends. I know he’s also turned down a handful of social events in the last few months after DS2 was born. We’ve seen friends over the last few months, but we’ve usually had them round at ours as it easier with the little ones.

The issue is DS1 is at that age where someone needs to at least be keeping an eye on him, and he’s not old enough to do things independently, so looking after him is full on, and it’s hard with DS2 being a reflux baby to manage both on my own for more than an hour or 2, or at bedtime. So I’ve had my DP/DB/DS come over to give me a hand so DH can go out.

I don’t want to begrudge DH the occasional night out, attending his friends’ birthday drinks/evening out, but I’m starting to feel resentful that DH gets to go out and switch off only because I have my family around to support/help/come and spend time with the kids, whereas we have no support from his family.

That's a you issue, and says more about you than anyone else. I can assure you I do help my family where I can, and will expect to help my parents increasingly as they age.

ive felt similarly to you OP and am prob one of the few who voted you are not unreasonable
to feel like this. my pil are not the helpful type, actually i find their visits quite draining. i mean we had a situation when toddler was mid tantrum peeing on highchair and baby had to be held as she was screaming murder and they literally sat on their chairs looking at the chaos unfolding saying ‘it will get better in 17 years”. i learnt never to expect help from
them. seems like the norm these days is however for gps to act like this. you are so lucky to have help from your family, enjoy that and the bond that will surely develop between your kids and them. forget about the in laws - but most importantly dont let this create any resentment between you and your husband

This. You need down time as well, not just him

We have no support from either side and a 3 year gap eldest with sen and I manage many days alone with both of them as husband works away, let him see his friends and be grateful for the support you do have it is a lot more than mos. You need to make sure you are giving yourself time and breaks too even if it’s just having a long shower or some time alone in the house whilst he is with baby. Edited as posted too soon

And he can watch them too so you can have breaks, you deserve them too

Find a reliable person to help for the occasional evening-and pay them?

Try Being a single mum to 3- including a 3 month old baby who won’t be put down and a middle child who can’t get to sleep by themselves at bedtime. Other people have it far worse than you and manage as their life choices led them to their situation. You have a partner- they are your children not the in laws children or your parents children. Enjoy the support you have and you’d be surprised how much you’re capable of when you literally have no other option.

YANBU for wanting to be able to go out and take a break. Talk to your DH about how you can structure your lives so that both of you can have some "me" time.

YABVU to blame this situation on the lack of support from his family, or taking for granted the support from your own.

We had 3DC in less than 2 years and we had absolutely no support whatsoever from either side of the family. We still managed to make sure we both had some time away from being full time carers to our kids.

a shower is basic self care and not equivalent to the dad going out with his friends.

the misogyny in this thread is through the roof.

You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel, you can't help that.

Could the issue be that you don't get any alone time?

I would start making time for myself, let DH deal with reflux baby. If baby is breast fed, leave some milk for DH to feed baby.

The real issue might be that you are the default person for holding the baby all the time, and DH needs to start taking half of the load.

It's not a race to the bottom.

I think both of you need to get into the mindset that you each can look after your two children without “support”. Nearly everyone does, including those with the same very small gap.

However, if your DH really can’t look after his two children by himself, why are your family only able to be in the house with you, and not with him? Makes no sense!

Why did you have two so close together? That was your choice. Your dh's family have their own lives and are entitled to live them without reference to you. Did you ask if they would help before you got pregnant each time?

I have four sisters and had an international job for years. Was I supposed to spend my two days in the UK each week, looking after someone else's baby? I think not !

That’s not what OP said. Read it again and don’t be so picky.

How can you expect support from a family he has low contact with.

we baby on your back for front facing tasks

I sympathise, because it's a bloody hard situation.

But you knew about his lack of familial support when you married him. He can't control not having close relationships with family, whereas you could control whether that was important to you in a partner or not.

I actually think it would be very healthy for both of you to have separate nights out/days out while the other looks after the other child solo.

You can't live a life where you can't ever manage two children solo. What if one of you needs to work away? What if a family member fell ill and you had to help with their care?

We decided to have one child as we knew that realistically, two children would stretch us thin as we don't really have any help from either side of the family. Was your second child unplanned for you to be in such a tizz about all this? Maybe there is a background story here we have not been told about.

Also surely you would have known about this situation first time round so there shouldn't be any shockers really that with 2 children his family still don't assist. Plus would you really cast your children off to strangers? You'd be better off paying a babysitter, at least they're professionals with DBS checks etc

😆
Oh dear.

I think it’s very unusual (though my children are now late teens/twenties and expectations change) to not be able to look after a 2 year old and a baby at the same time. If the washing up is really beyond you (why?)buy a dishwasher. You have created a nonsense that you can’t manage. You can. Ask someone to show you how to manage alone if it’s really difficult to work out but I honestly think this is just a mindset problem. Both you and your husband should be able to manage the children solo. Practice.

I assume you knew before you had two children, what your husbands family would be like?
I’m not really seeing the issue, when your husband goes out, you get help from your family. Wouldn’t you prefer that, to getting begrudging help from his family who are disinterested? Be glad for the help you do get. Do you ever go out?

I do get where you’re coming from, OP. I’m the grandma in this situation- similar age of babies too and family dynamics of our daughter’s family are similar; though it’s about distance rather than family closeness that causes SIL’s family to be less available as support. It is what it is in many ways. When my kids were little, we didn’t have any family support really, other than what we paid for 🤷🏼‍♀️
im really glad they’re close to us and we get to build a close bond with our grandchildren, but there are times when I wish SIL’s family were more available to support. I guess be grateful for the great support you have and try not be resentful of the rest because ultimately it will negatively impact your relationship. And don’t forget to do stuff for you too, it’s important x

OP you're getting a rough ride here. I think you are exhausted, and overwhelmed. Those who haven't had a reflux baby don't get it.

You need a chat with DH about how to fairly split social time. You need a chat with HV or GP about helping baby's reflux. And a reminder that this too shall pass - 3 months is still tiny and if you don't feel ok coping with both on your own just yet, that's also fine. Ignore all the super mums on this thread who juggled 6 children, 4 pets and 2 full time jobs without a helping hand from anybody.

I had both of mine on my own just one day a week from when my second was born and it took at least 6 months for that day to feel slightly enjoyable again and not a fight for survival til DH finished work. You'll get there.

My family offer zero support with childcare or anything else while DH’s family do absolutely loads for us.
It’s not my fault my family are rubbish and my mum died before I had children.

We just work with what we’ve got and accept that my family aren’t going to change.

You're resentful and want to restrict your husband from having an occasional time out with friends because his family doesn't help you?

You can't control his family nor can he. They don't have to step up like your family has.

Adjust your expectations.

I think perhaps, you ought to focus on just how damned fortunate you are to have the love and support of your side of the extended family, and maybe just think about how hard the contrast must be for your DH, and learn to deal with your kids without relying quite so much on others providing a buffer for you. I know it can be intimidating, particularly if you're not used to it, but it can be done.