To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

[LostMyPink]

DH doesn’t really have much of a relationship with his DM, or DB (low contact with both) and his DS lives over an hour away. Very different upbringing to me, and very different family dynamics. I come from a close knit family that bends over backwards to help each other, and am lucky they live more locally, and my DP help with childcare once a week.

We have 2 DS - DS1 is 2yo and DS2 is 3mo. DS2 is a reflux baby, so doesn’t tolerate being put down for very long, and while I can do certain things while baby wearing, there’s other things I can’t do while baby wearing like washing the dishes, carrying DS1, or changing DS1s nappy etc.

DH generally v hands on, deals with toddler bedtime, wakes him up in the morning and gets him ready before work etc which is great. DH hasn’t been out much socially from a month before I gave birth to DS2 (I was hospitalised with threatened pre term labour) and has had a few invites recently. With DS2 now being 3 months, by which point things should start to be easier, I feel like I should let him go and have some downtime/time with his friends. I know he’s also turned down a handful of social events in the last few months after DS2 was born. We’ve seen friends over the last few months, but we’ve usually had them round at ours as it easier with the little ones.

The issue is DS1 is at that age where someone needs to at least be keeping an eye on him, and he’s not old enough to do things independently, so looking after him is full on, and it’s hard with DS2 being a reflux baby to manage both on my own for more than an hour or 2, or at bedtime. So I’ve had my DP/DB/DS come over to give me a hand so DH can go out.

I don’t want to begrudge DH the occasional night out, attending his friends’ birthday drinks/evening out, but I’m starting to feel resentful that DH gets to go out and switch off only because I have my family around to support/help/come and spend time with the kids, whereas we have no support from his family.

Yeah this is unreasonable. You have a huge amount of support that many people don't have. I'm sure your family would be happy to help if you feel you need a break too, but most people just have to muddle through and manage their own kids which you are fortunate enough to have lots of help with. If he doesn't have that close family bond, it's good that he can have time with his friends now and then.

If you genuinely can’t manage a toddler and a baby for an evening without help the simple answer is your DH doesn’t go out until you can.
However, I agree with eveyone this says other people manage, I’m a single parent of 3, one being 10 weeks
old, my family live 120 miles away. I don’t just manage, I enjoy my life and don’t really feel the need for anyone to help me.

Instead of feeling unlucky to not have 2.. maybe feel lucky to have 1.

Many parents have no family support at all.

Yabu. Why would LC family babysit etc? There is often a reason why people are LC and could that mean that they are unsuitable babysitters etc who would create more problems than it’s worth?

If you can’t cope right now then ask your h to stay at home rather than struggle l. It’s great that your family is supportive but maybe you should accept that it’s unusual and not resent your h’s side for not being the same.

Most people cope without extended family support but you’re in the great spot of having willing help and should enjoy it and pay it back when things are easier.

YABU to feel cross with DH because his family don't help out - that's not his fault, and you're very lucky with the overall amount of support you get.

But YANBU to feel tired and in need of a break and to think about ways to make that happen. Can you leave DH with the DC this Saturday and meet a friend for coffee / go for a swim / whatever you feel like?

Sorry but it’s crazy that you can’t handle both your kids for one bedtime without help.

What do you think people with no support do?

If he's low contact with his family why would you want help from them. You sound lucky to have family support.

This is so unfair. Picture yourself out with the girlfriends and saying casually ‘oh yes we split up because his family never looked after our dc for us.’ Your girlfriends 😮😮😮😮 you mean… you divorced your husband because his mum wasn’t caring enough to you and didn’t babysit?! You didnt marry his mum…. Woooowww.

and they’d all think he had a lucky escape really.

Do you struggle to cope with your children alone when he goes to work, or is it just when he has social stuff that you need someone to hold your hand?

The dishes could wait until he got back. If anything you should be feeling sad for your DH that he doesn’t have the same family support that you do, and realise that’s why it’s important for him to keep in touch with his friends. Be thankful that you have the family support you need.

This is two separate issues. Dh going out. His family not being able to help so much.

First I wouldn't rely on any family help. You can't assume that anyone but you will want to look after your dc. They are not obliged to.

Second, work out something where you both get time out.

Also with a clingy reflux baby (assume you've ruled out allergies?) then it is more fraught but you should be able to change the older ones nappy in under a minute which isn't that problematic. Just pop baby on a mat and if they scream they scream. It's 60 seconds.

You have so much support already, you’re very lucky. All our family live far away so we have no support, and 2 young DCs, one of which is on the pathway for ASD and ADHD. We get on with it, we are both capable parents and can manage a night and even long weekends by ourselves with the kids whilst one of us is out.

It's very unfair that you're resentful at something that is completely out your partners control. I also don't get that your family only come and help you if you your struggling but wouldn't help your partner. Can't they come help your partner at bedtime so you can go out?

As someone said you seem to have more family suppoet than others. Most people have to do bedtimes together rather than get family to help out.

But equally with two young children, you'll have to at some point learn to do them together. As said, you chose to have two young kids close together. There needs to be some element of responsibility and learning how to cope with them both together.

Honestly, you’re sounding very dramatic. Of course you can do all those things without another adult around to help you - what do you think single parents do?!

I feel really sorry for your DH, he sounds like a good guy and you're punishing him for a family rift. Plenty of people have complicated families and manage to raise children, some of us don't have any family support and manage to raise children, people have babies with the promise of family support and then that changes, we just get on with it. You've only got two kids, it's not that hard.

I'd be grateful for the help you've got now and let your DH go out for a few hours before he starts resenting you.

Feels like you’re looking for problems that don’t exist. You knew the situation when you married him and had kids. If extended family involvement was such a big deal for you, then you shouldn’t have had kids.

YABVU for something that is not in his control and even more so for saying you “let” him go out.

This. and it’s hard with DS2 being a reflux baby to manage both on my own for more than an hour or 2, or at bedtime. So I’ve had my DP/DB/DS come over to give me a hand so DH can go out.
are you really saying you’ve not had your dc on your own for more than an hour? That’s not just “helping out” that’s. Co parenting, if your family are over all day practically. Have you spoken to your health visitor about things?

YABU

You can't manage one bed time alone?

This is a ridiculous situation really. You're getting heaps of support.

Yep - most of us just go on with it, without all this extended relatives support.

A toddler and a baby can be hard work, but a couple should be able to manage this - and find some down time with friends.

Maybe I’m missing the point but can’t your DH look after the children for an evening so you can go out?

This scenario is so weird that I wonder if OP is a troll.

Husband is low contact for a reason. Maybe the in-laws are unkind people. You want unkind people looking after your children?

You seem very dependent on family. Maybe the best thing for you would actually be to crack on, on your own that way you won't have anxiety about it without family help.

Why don't the two of you pay for a babysitter and go out together.

I read these threads open mouthed. How many people does it take to look after two children. I had mine before paternity leave was a thing. My first my DH picked me up from hospital at midday and went back to work at 2pm. I had no family ‘support’ and just got on with it, the same when our second was born. Yes, some days were tough but I just got on with it.

I think maybe you’re in rhe depths of it right now, over tired, hormones etc and not thinking straight,

My first had reflux. It’s so hard. Between the crying and mounting jobs that need doing it really is stressful. Why are you resenting a man who pulls his weight, declines invites out and has only accepted going out when you’ve seemed happy to let him. You’re being grossly unfair. You’re getting more help than most. Even the grandparents I know who are hands on and will take them overnight and for days out will not be willing to come and babysit whilst one parent is out and the other is at home. If you had wrote complaining neither side was willing to help you out for this I think you’d be shocked at the response. Many people would be saying you have to suck it up. Parenting is hard. You’ve had 2 children close in age. You’re going to run off your feet with or without a reflux baby. Your family sound amazing. They really do and I do think you’re in a minority with the amount of help families are prepared to give. When my kids where at school the majority of the kids with working parents stayed in afterschool club than those being picked up by their grandparents. I’d just be grateful you have what you have. Even if hubbies family where closer that doesn’t mean they’d be willing or should be expected to do what your parents do.

It sounds like you have a huge block of resentment and you are just looking for someone to dump it on. Your in laws have got the short straw. You must know that you are being unreasonable - that you can't really expect low-contact relatives (including siblings for goodness sake!) to be around to offer extra support. It's a nice-to-have, not an entitlement.

I suspect the person that you are really resentful of is your husband. Complaining about his relatives is a way of complaining about him. Perhaps he is not pulling his weight enough, despite the good stuff that he does do? Or, alternatively, perhaps you have a sense of having to be in control of everything, with the result that you are not giving yourself enough rest/escape, not letting go enough to make space for your husband to take over sometimes and do things his way?

How much more support do you need?! I am always shocked by these threads. Why would grandparents have an obligation to help raise your child?!