To feel a bit resentful that we have no family support from DH’s side?

[LostMyPink]

DH doesn’t really have much of a relationship with his DM, or DB (low contact with both) and his DS lives over an hour away. Very different upbringing to me, and very different family dynamics. I come from a close knit family that bends over backwards to help each other, and am lucky they live more locally, and my DP help with childcare once a week.

We have 2 DS - DS1 is 2yo and DS2 is 3mo. DS2 is a reflux baby, so doesn’t tolerate being put down for very long, and while I can do certain things while baby wearing, there’s other things I can’t do while baby wearing like washing the dishes, carrying DS1, or changing DS1s nappy etc.

DH generally v hands on, deals with toddler bedtime, wakes him up in the morning and gets him ready before work etc which is great. DH hasn’t been out much socially from a month before I gave birth to DS2 (I was hospitalised with threatened pre term labour) and has had a few invites recently. With DS2 now being 3 months, by which point things should start to be easier, I feel like I should let him go and have some downtime/time with his friends. I know he’s also turned down a handful of social events in the last few months after DS2 was born. We’ve seen friends over the last few months, but we’ve usually had them round at ours as it easier with the little ones.

The issue is DS1 is at that age where someone needs to at least be keeping an eye on him, and he’s not old enough to do things independently, so looking after him is full on, and it’s hard with DS2 being a reflux baby to manage both on my own for more than an hour or 2, or at bedtime. So I’ve had my DP/DB/DS come over to give me a hand so DH can go out.

I don’t want to begrudge DH the occasional night out, attending his friends’ birthday drinks/evening out, but I’m starting to feel resentful that DH gets to go out and switch off only because I have my family around to support/help/come and spend time with the kids, whereas we have no support from his family.

I don't think the people commenting are 'super mums' they are just normal mums who have no other choice but to crack on, in the same way if OP didn't have any family help she would be solo parenting 2 children to give the husband a break and vice versa as there is no other choice (well other than never going out at all in any capacity which would be the alternative choice).

I suppose you can ask a babysitter to help you put children to bed while the partner goes out but I have personally never heard of anyone arranging/paying for this service although I imagine it is a possibility too.

Sorry you're struggling, OP. But has it occurred to you that your DP has more right to resent his parents and siblings than you do? Being low or no contact is not a nice situation to be in. It's simply the better of two difficult options.
You on the other hand have a kind and loving family who support you both. (And you have a hands-on DH to boot.) Make the most of it and be grateful for what you have.

Does your family also come round and help while your husband is out at work during the day too, or is it just evenings that you find difficult?

We had no family close enough to provide help on a regular basis, but I don’t think it would have occurred to any of them that I wouldn’t be able to manage a baby and a two year old by myself. Apart from anything else, my parents had four children aged 0-6 and managed perfectly well with no family support.

My eldest never slept (now diagnosed autistic) and my youngest had awful reflux and took us six months for the gp to prescribe omeprazole which finally helped. Im not a super mum I just have no external help so had to just get on with it. I don’t think people who have help understand what it’s like to have no support system

I think you are doing yourself dirty by not considering yourself a super mum, that sounds like an incredibly hard situation and you are right you had no choice to crack on with no support system.

However, it really isn't a race to the bottom. There will be someone else who's situation was worse than yours - if I was now to tell you that you were actually really lucky because I had triplets who didn't sleep for four years and no family support and was made homeless when my abusive husband left me, would that have helped you during those long nights with your eldest awake and your youngest screaming in pain? Probably not, so what's the point of me even saying it.

And you are probably right, OP might not realise how lucky she is to have the support she does have, but there are much nicer and more empathetic ways to express that to a mum of 2 young children who is clearly struggling, rather than putting the boot in and telling her to get a grip (you didn't do that, but some posters did).

This. Why do parents seem to expect "support" these days. We used to see our parents regularly, which meant once a week. My husband's mum babysat about once a month for which we were extremely grateful. We didn't go out separately either.

So you had lots of support yourself!
I don't think today's parents are any different to any other generation. On the contrary, people generally had far more support in the past as families tended to all stay in the same area and perhaps even lived together. Now people often move away to study and/or work and parents have families much later so grandparents are much older. Family life also tends to be more challenging as a lot more families have two working parents.

When you say your family offer “zero support” @HighLadyofTheNightCourt do you mean just regarding childcare and practical support like helping out with lifts?? But they do provide love and emotional support?

My mum is dead. My dad no longer lives in the UK so while I know he loves me he doesn't offer any kind of emotional support.
My brother is prison and my sister is 22 years younger than me so we don't have a close sibling relationship.

My friends are my family and that's where I get my emotional support alongside my DH. Why?