Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

Yes, but a parent and their child come as a package @Curlywurly92.

My question is: when you were 6, would you have been fine with sleeping in someone else's spare room with a load of spare room stuff in it? Where all your stuff had to be removed each time you went away? Or would you have felt a bit unwanted by this and like you weren't really welcome?

ChatGPT.

The child is 6, they need their own homely space and their toys around

mmmm i thought so

And how do you think all of that would work if and when you had your own child? Children come with toys and clutter and a certain amount of chaos. Treadmills are an unnecessary luxury you probably won't have space for. If your house being tidy and organised is more important to you than your partner creating a loving home environment for his child then you need to end this relationship.

I agree with everyone else, it seems he's fallen on his feet rather too easily with you. But that aside, he needs to do all this for his child. He can't just make her and all her stuff disappear. If you want him to live with you then this is your life now and you have to adapt to it. If you don't want this life then you have to ask him to move out. There isn't another solution.

Bit weird. "ChatGPT, tell me why I should be dating my partner, for Mumsnet."

You are being used. Darling daddy isn't prepared to pay for a house when he's wheedled his way into yours. His poor child isn't the issue here it's the cocklodger who oh so generously pays towards to bills. Adults generally do have to pay something towards heating, electricity, food and council tax. He is not doing you a favour here.

You have been naive and rather hasty in allowing this man into your home. Any parent needs to provide a home for their children and this does need to be considered when thinking about living together. But he isn't providing a home, he's riding on your coat tails. Please get rid of this man. He needs to step up and become the main carer for his child in his own place especially if the mother gets so drunk she passes out.

But this is part of being in a relationship with a man who is a father. If you don't want that, just end it with him.

Well of course he's not. Why would he when you've let him move in with you?

a man has happily moved himself into your home and gotten a job and car from your families business all while telling you he doesn't intend to ever buy a house. And you're just rolling over.

Look, she has never had to stay over before, especially not in the last year, since her mother blocked contact. This is why the room has other items in it now. I have renovated the guest room nicely agter years of having a lodeger the lodger has moved out, and nothing needs to be removed. We would just need to add her pillows, blankets, duvets, and put her toys in there. I thought this would be a good space for her to stay, which is why I mentioned that she can't sleep in the other room. It can be transformed quite easily. if you think you can provide better or by critisising me trying to put her a roof over her head, the stress is on me ,

Dude comes with a kid, and she needs a bedroom, end of story. Fuck all to do with the ex.

I dont agree you should have to provide said bedroom though - kick him out if you dont like it.

The child in the middle of all this must be so confused.
Why do so many parents have these chaotic, complicated lives because god forbid they end up on their own whilst their child is young?!

@Curlywurly92 - can I suggest that you write a list of all the things you actually want or need - specifics like ‘somewhere for the treadmill to live’, ‘use of storage in the room your partner’s daughter uses’ - and what has to happen for you to get these things - then you can have a constructive talk with your partner about the things that you want/need in the house, and how these are to be achieved. And stress to him that you feel all the compromises have come from you so far, and that this needs to change.

Frankly, if he wants his daughter to be prioritised all the time, even when she’s not there, he needs to get his own house and prioritise her there. If he can’t/won’t do that, he needs to make some compromises too, and needs to acknowledge that you are housing him and his dd.

Letting her pick a duvet cover doesn’t sound very welcoming.
A child spending contact time with her father overnight should have a space that is hers where she can keep some of her own items around her and not just the use of a guest room.
If you’ve let him move in and he contributes to the bills this is now his home and, hence, her second home.
If you’ve let don’t like it then that’s perfectly fine but you should be honest that a partner with a child will never be a good match for you and tell him so.
Poor child is getting a raw deal here.

She's not a fucking guest. You and him, together, put in a custody application for her to LIVE with you, at that house, at the weekends.

I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner.

What do you mean you accommodated her needs before you had even met your partner when you said you didn't meet her until 3-4 months after meeting your partner?

can you please give us timelines

1. how long have you been together
2. how long after being together did he move in
3. when did she start staying
4. did you think she would never stay over regularly
5. why does it matter what room she is in, use the one thats easiest

no one is criticising you putting a roof over her head.

the problem has gone from bf wanting to decorate and change the room, to not having enough space, to wanting to pack and unpack the room, to custody issues, to bf not paying or contributing enough, to providing her a room even before you were dating?

break down the issues, use paragraphs or bullets for each issue if it helps. thank you

Why on earth did you let him move in and make your house his current address if you weren't prepared to accommodate his child needing to stay over regularly? Especially knowing he was going to court to presumably get better access.

Of course she should have a proper bedroom, fully kitted out, at her father's address. If you didn't want your stuff displaced by his child, you shouldn't have got into a relationship with him.

As for your claim that you are putting a roof over their heads – he's paying half the bills, no? And it's kind of the point when someone comes to live in your property.

You sound very unsuited to being in a blended family.

I don't see a problem with what you are suggesting.
he can pack her things away in plastic tubs in-between her visits.
There's no issues with that
Your things stay in the bedroom she uses and she's told not to touch them .
I was staying at my dad's at the same age ,using the bedroom of an older step sibling who was at uni ..I managed quite well with out a room to myself 4 days a month ..I managed quite well to not touch my older step siblings possessions .
This should not even be an issue.
However
Is his job being tied up with your family going to cause issues when you realise this relationship is not for you
Because op ,you are giving and giving and they are taking and taking ,and your feeling pushed out in your own home .
At some point you will be so sick of the situation,you will want to end things ,and then he could lose his job as well as his home ..he's a very silly man to get himself in this situation..but that's not your problem.
He sounds like a taker ,And i think he's taking you for a ride

Agreed.

If you want to be with her dad and he lives with you then she needs a proper bedroom at yours. Not a nice duvet and some cushions that get tidied away once she leaves.

If you don't want that then end the relationship.

How long have you actually been with your partner - this partner whom you have provided a roof over his head and even got him a job !
AND you helped with is application for his daughter ?!!!

This partner whom you inform us is not prepared to buy a house

What a catch.

Apart from kindness towards you and ' proactive around the house ' - which btw you could find a handyman for ! how does he enhance your life on a daily basis ?

This is really well written and I totally agree

Step mum here 🙋🏻‍♀️ well ex, divorce in progress…I think both of you are a bit of a problem here.

Firstly, you need to legally protect your home should you ever marry. I’d even be tempted to draw up a tenancy agreement and have him pay peppercorn rent.

About the bedroom, you’re with a parent. I’d turn one of your bedrooms into a bedroom form his young DD. I’d put plenty of storage in there to accommodate your things too. A couple and young child should be able to live in a three bedroom house. We were a couple it three children under two at one point - we made it work.

The other option is that he moves out but, if you want the relationship to work, you will eventually have to make room for DSC.

I don’t think a 40 minute journey is horrific, although it’s not great at 7pm. Just as mum if she can be collected earlier or the next morning.

This isn’t the an ex or SC issue, this is down to you and your partner