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Original poster

Am I expecting too much from DH

151 replies

sunshinepenguin · 10/02/2026 04:57

DH and I have two primary age DC.

When our eldest was born we worked similar hours and earned similar amounts and it felt very equal. Over time this has changed and I now work part time and only earn a third of what he earns. This was a joint decision, if anything it was me who was keen to work less as I wanted to be at home more for the children.

However I’m now feeling like it’s become so unbalanced that I’m starting to resent him and I can’t work out if this is justified or my expectations are unfair given he earns so much more than me.

He admits he is a workaholic and always has been. He WFH two days a week, on those days I barely see him as he’s on calls literally all day. Rarely if ever does pick up or drop off. The remaining three days he works on site and stays in a hotel and therefore we don’t see him. He claims not to be happy at his job and says he doesn’t like staying away as it’s boring, he doesn’t sleep well, misses us etc.

He does no cleaning or laundry. He will sometimes make dinner but I have to do the food shop and plan all the meals. He is quite good at driving the kids to their activities at weekends, although I have to book everything and keep track of timings, payments, party invites. He is also fine with staying at home with the kids whilst I go to an exercise class at the weekend or on evenings when he’s home. So it’s not that he does nothing at all but it feels very unbalanced.

This week is our daughter’s birthday and he’s working away. She’s turning 7 so an age where birthdays really matter and he’s done virtually nothing. I have bought and wrapped every present. Written the card from both of us. He won’t be here so I will decorate the house and sort out the cake and birthday tea. His mum has a big birthday coming up and I’ve bought all the presents and cards for that too as I felt sorry for her as I wasn’t sure DH would remember otherwise.

He never plans anything for us to do, never has ideas for days out, never says “I’ll take the day off and we’ll go for lunch while the kids are at school”. He just doesn’t feel very present in our lives. He’s always tired and always stressed about work. I’m taking our eldest to the GP today and not sure he even knows as we seem to live such separate lives.

I feel very sad about this and not sure where to go from here. Ten years ago I felt we were a team and now I just feel we are both so alone and I’m not sure how things can continue. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable to expect more from him when he earns so much more from me and I don’t know if it’s partly my fault for allowing this situation to develop.

OP posts:
NurtureGrow · 10/02/2026 05:05

I’m sorry to hear this. My first thought is, if you were to show him this message he would probably agree.. and you could work out a way to improve things together

Mingspingpongball · 10/02/2026 05:09

Hi OP, sorry you are feeling like this.. it sounds like time for a talk directly about this.
You can’t expect him to know that you’d want help with birthday type scenarios or yo take a day off work because he may well be thinking that you want to do the birthday planning/shopping and may well still think of you as a team where you are supporting him in doing everything you do while he’s stressed.
Stress is really bad for anyone and he might be wanting you to talk about things so he can give himself permission to do less..
Without the conversation it’s hard to know (appreciate you know him well but we don’t always know what someone might want or need to start change happening.
Perhaps approach him when you have quiet time- without accusations- and talk about why you’d like change and try to loosen up what seems like a rigid routine that’s not working for either of you.
He sounds like a good man doing his best but he may agree that it’s time for things to change again, especially if he says he’s not happy with work and being away from home.

Nickyknackered · 10/02/2026 05:11

Some of it yes, and some no.

I do see many women choose to drop hours and work and then complain they are doing all the chores at home. Equally your husband is now bearing the financial load for providing for the family. You are unreasonable to expect the best of both worlds.

He should however make an effort with birthdays and family time. Remind him of this and he will probably agree.

Rileysp · 10/02/2026 05:36

Nickyknackered · 10/02/2026 05:11

Some of it yes, and some no.

I do see many women choose to drop hours and work and then complain they are doing all the chores at home. Equally your husband is now bearing the financial load for providing for the family. You are unreasonable to expect the best of both worlds.

He should however make an effort with birthdays and family time. Remind him of this and he will probably agree.

Edited

Agree with this

Oldermumofone · 10/02/2026 05:39

I think it’s reasonable for you to be doing the majority of the home organisation, cooking, cleaning etc if you are working significantly less - that’s how we work it but he does sound quite checked out from family life. I think it’s easy for it to become your job to think of everything in this situation and I definitely have to do some regular nudging to remind him it isn’t.
From reading, I think maybe more the issue is his level of attention to you and the children though which maybe is related to stress and not having much left to give. It sounds like he needs help with this if there has been such a change in him.

Original poster
sunshinepenguin · 10/02/2026 05:56

Thank you for the replies. I think everyone has nailed it really, the issue that’s really upsetting me is not that he doesn’t do enough to help with the chores, it’s that he just seems to have checked out of our lives.

For context I do work three full days a week and occasionally four so it’s not as if I have endless free time, but I accept I have far more than him (and earn less!) so it’s fair enough that I do most of the housework etc.

I have tried to talk to him about the situation but it always ends in an argument. I just feel work is always his priority and we come second. I suggested he took the day off for our daughter’s birthday as it would mean the world to her if he were here but he said he didn’t have enough notice (I mean, it’s the same date every year… 🙄) and he has important meetings that day. He has no problem setting boundaries with us and telling us he can’t be there, but will never ever say no to work.

He says he is stressed and not enjoying his job but he still gives it 110% and when I suggest he looks for something else he gets snappy.

OP posts:
Bjorkdidit · 10/02/2026 06:01

To be fair, he might not have any choice about when the work meetings are and with a 'big job' he might struggle to take time off on certain days.

But if he's bored while staying away he's got plenty of time to do a lot of the mental load tasks you talk about.

Does he at least video call the DC in the evening to say hello and good night?

MinnieMountain · 10/02/2026 06:05

Why does he stay in a hotel? Is his commute really bad?

I work 3 days a week to DH's 5. He's a contractor so he's often busy and stressed but he's present when he's not working. He cooks twice a week, does his own washing. Obviously I do more of the life admin and planning because I have more time. He's taking DS (our only DC) skiing without me at HT.

Original poster
sunshinepenguin · 10/02/2026 06:09

Bjorkdidit · 10/02/2026 06:01

To be fair, he might not have any choice about when the work meetings are and with a 'big job' he might struggle to take time off on certain days.

But if he's bored while staying away he's got plenty of time to do a lot of the mental load tasks you talk about.

Does he at least video call the DC in the evening to say hello and good night?

He himself would admit that he’s not good at setting boundaries at work (we actually met at work too so I have seen it first hand!)

He’s great at his job and they all love him from what I can tell. He won an award at work last year and in his write up it said “XY has never ever said no to any of us” which we joked about at the time but it’s a reflection of the fact that work and his colleagues come first. He does admit he is a workaholic.

No he never video calls the DC, when he’s away we’re barely in touch and we’ve had arguments before because he can’t even take a phone call from me during the working day apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinepenguin · 10/02/2026 06:11

MinnieMountain · 10/02/2026 06:05

Why does he stay in a hotel? Is his commute really bad?

I work 3 days a week to DH's 5. He's a contractor so he's often busy and stressed but he's present when he's not working. He cooks twice a week, does his own washing. Obviously I do more of the life admin and planning because I have more time. He's taking DS (our only DC) skiing without me at HT.

Yes, the commute is one hour on a good day but can be much longer if he hits traffic so we agreed he’d stay in a hotel as it was tiring and stressful (and he can claim on expenses).

However this was meant to be a six month assignment and it’s turned into two years.

OP posts:
Happytaytos · 10/02/2026 06:17

Who's staying in that hotel with him?

I'd not be happy OP. Your family is second best to work. If he's that senior, he should have more control of his diary and be able to be present.

MinnieMountain · 10/02/2026 06:18

If he's so amazing at his job, can't he find a different one that's closer or WFH?

moose62 · 10/02/2026 06:18

I don't think the money should be a factor it is the continual prioritising of work over family.
My DH has never bought the DC or his mother (or me for that matter) presents. He does not plan days out, give any input into their birthdays. He probably doesn't even remember when they were born. For some reason, these things are just not on his radar.
However, if I ask him to be there for something specific, he will be. If I ask him to do a club pick up or something at the weekend, he will if he can.
I think that is what is lacking with your DH, the willingness to try and put his family first.
Would he be open to counselling ?

Piglet89 · 10/02/2026 06:23

moose62 · 10/02/2026 06:18

I don't think the money should be a factor it is the continual prioritising of work over family.
My DH has never bought the DC or his mother (or me for that matter) presents. He does not plan days out, give any input into their birthdays. He probably doesn't even remember when they were born. For some reason, these things are just not on his radar.
However, if I ask him to be there for something specific, he will be. If I ask him to do a club pick up or something at the weekend, he will if he can.
I think that is what is lacking with your DH, the willingness to try and put his family first.
Would he be open to counselling ?

“For some reason, these things are not on his radar”.

That reason is that he doesn’t care enough to ensure they’re on his radar.

CelestialGazer · 10/02/2026 06:25

One hour is not a long commute by any means. Millions do it (or more) day in, day out. Often standing on a crowded train, so in much less comfort than driving.

LoveWine123 · 10/02/2026 06:32

His commute is one hour and he stays in a hotel? I think that’s taking the absolute piss. He has it very easy then when he checks out completely unbothered for 3 days of the week. I would not be happy about that. However I do understand the pressure of being the main provider and it’s not always as simple as finding another job or giving it 90% for an easy life. That job isn’t just a job, it’s the security of the whole family and it allows you to stay at home more the way you have chosen to do. I would have a serious conversation with him about the state of your marriage and his presence in your lives and put some boundaries in place. You need to agree for him to have some family responsibilities that he is fully responsible for. And watch how he reacts. I’ll be honest with you - I would be going back full time and splitting everything in half in terms of the housework and the kids. It sounds like you are not happy in your marriage so you need to be prepared financially if things go south. You have made yourself vulnerable and personally I would be changing that very quickly.

LesserSootyOwl · 10/02/2026 06:34

One hour (or longer in bad traffic) is not a ridiculously long commute. I know loads of people who do similar and not a single one of them stays in a hotel. I think you need to knock that arrangement on the head - I'm sure it's causing some of the distance you're feeling.

99pwithaflake · 10/02/2026 06:35

He stays in a hotel instead of driving an hour home to be with his partner and children?

I’m sorry but he is taking the absolute piss.

LoveWine123 · 10/02/2026 06:36

Piglet89 · 10/02/2026 06:23

“For some reason, these things are not on his radar”.

That reason is that he doesn’t care enough to ensure they’re on his radar.

Show quote history

It could be the fact that he views OP as a stay at home mum and has delegated full responsibilities to her when it comes to his home life. I think OP has the worst of both worlds where she works AND does everything at home. Personally I’d be going back to work to restore the balance and up my expectations of him. Currently she is dependent on his income and that’s a very vulnerable position considering his attitude.

ScaryM0nster · 10/02/2026 06:37

This seems like a mix of reasonable and unreasonable expectations.

WFH is still working. It’s not a part time day. So not seeing someone, them not being available for chat or doing school runs is a reflection of that. Most employers expect their staff to work during their working day. Unfortunately there is a growing trend of people not actually working a fair chunk of the time they work from home which then creates unreasonable expectations on those who actually do work properly.

Family life admin and brain power, talk about it and split the list. Some stuff will be well suited to being done from the hotel. Eg. Paying bills, banking, insurance renewals, researching holiday or party venues etc.

If kids are birthday prime time age talk about it not close to the day and plans. Be that weekend birthday celebrations, booking days off etc.

firstofallimadelight · 10/02/2026 06:46

I work one and a half days and dh works full time. We have set chores as it’s easier and dh isn’t good at noticing what needs to be done.
my jobs -
pots
laundry
cooking mon-thurs
Dusting
tidying
bathrooms

Dh
cooks Fri- sun
dog walks
hoover/ mop
diy
garden
bins

We do bedtime together. On a weekend we look after dc together unless dh has jobs to do.

You need to talk to your dh about how you feel. I’d start by explaining you feel he’s not involved in family life and it’s hurting you.

Rileysp · 10/02/2026 06:46

99pwithaflake · 10/02/2026 06:35

He stays in a hotel instead of driving an hour home to be with his partner and children?

I’m sorry but he is taking the absolute piss.

I do agree with this. I get it on important days when he needs to be rested, but every week? For all three days? It sounds excessive, that.

im surprised the company accept this on expenses. Seems a tad unnecessary or at least a lifestyle choice

Mapletree1985 · 10/02/2026 06:53

Keeping a ledger book of who has done what is not a recipe for a happy marriage. It sounds as if your husband is taking on the lion's share in some things, like earning morning, and you in others. By your own account, he works very long hours and is there for the kids when he's not working. If you're now discontented, the whole package has to be renegotiated; it can't just him being asked to do more without getting anything in return.

Mapletree1985 · 10/02/2026 06:55

firstofallimadelight · 10/02/2026 06:46

I work one and a half days and dh works full time. We have set chores as it’s easier and dh isn’t good at noticing what needs to be done.
my jobs -
pots
laundry
cooking mon-thurs
Dusting
tidying
bathrooms

Dh
cooks Fri- sun
dog walks
hoover/ mop
diy
garden
bins

We do bedtime together. On a weekend we look after dc together unless dh has jobs to do.

You need to talk to your dh about how you feel. I’d start by explaining you feel he’s not involved in family life and it’s hurting you.

It sounds like you share the chores equally and he does the lion's share of earning the money. What do you put in to match that?

Mapletree1985 · 10/02/2026 06:55

Mapletree1985 · 10/02/2026 06:53

Keeping a ledger book of who has done what is not a recipe for a happy marriage. It sounds as if your husband is taking on the lion's share in some things, like earning morning, and you in others. By your own account, he works very long hours and is there for the kids when he's not working. If you're now discontented, the whole package has to be renegotiated; it can't just him being asked to do more without getting anything in return.

earning money not earning morning.