Am I expecting too much from DH

[sunshinepenguin]

DH and I have two primary age DC.

When our eldest was born we worked similar hours and earned similar amounts and it felt very equal. Over time this has changed and I now work part time and only earn a third of what he earns. This was a joint decision, if anything it was me who was keen to work less as I wanted to be at home more for the children.

However I’m now feeling like it’s become so unbalanced that I’m starting to resent him and I can’t work out if this is justified or my expectations are unfair given he earns so much more than me.

He admits he is a workaholic and always has been. He WFH two days a week, on those days I barely see him as he’s on calls literally all day. Rarely if ever does pick up or drop off. The remaining three days he works on site and stays in a hotel and therefore we don’t see him. He claims not to be happy at his job and says he doesn’t like staying away as it’s boring, he doesn’t sleep well, misses us etc.

He does no cleaning or laundry. He will sometimes make dinner but I have to do the food shop and plan all the meals. He is quite good at driving the kids to their activities at weekends, although I have to book everything and keep track of timings, payments, party invites. He is also fine with staying at home with the kids whilst I go to an exercise class at the weekend or on evenings when he’s home. So it’s not that he does nothing at all but it feels very unbalanced.

This week is our daughter’s birthday and he’s working away. She’s turning 7 so an age where birthdays really matter and he’s done virtually nothing. I have bought and wrapped every present. Written the card from both of us. He won’t be here so I will decorate the house and sort out the cake and birthday tea. His mum has a big birthday coming up and I’ve bought all the presents and cards for that too as I felt sorry for her as I wasn’t sure DH would remember otherwise.

He never plans anything for us to do, never has ideas for days out, never says “I’ll take the day off and we’ll go for lunch while the kids are at school”. He just doesn’t feel very present in our lives. He’s always tired and always stressed about work. I’m taking our eldest to the GP today and not sure he even knows as we seem to live such separate lives.

I feel very sad about this and not sure where to go from here. Ten years ago I felt we were a team and now I just feel we are both so alone and I’m not sure how things can continue. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable to expect more from him when he earns so much more from me and I don’t know if it’s partly my fault for allowing this situation to develop.

Is he afraid of losing his job if he doesn't give it his all and then some? This kind of fear can be very compelling and isn't always rational.

The 1/1.5hr commute would not require a hotel from either me or DH in our family. We would much rather get home and sleep in our own bed.

To be fair, all of that sounds pretty normal in a partnership where 1 person is full time/away with work & the other has reduced to part time in order to pick up the child care. You just need to communicate a bit more, to stay connected.

My normal commute with no issues is 1 hour 25mins, often longer if traffic is bad or trains are misbehaving. It wouldn't cross my mind to stay at a hotel though, because I want to be home!

No he never video calls the DC, when he’s away we’re barely in touch and we’ve had arguments before because he can’t even take a phone call from me during the working day apparently.

No call during work is fair enough but what about early evening? Does he eat at a restaurant on his own? Can't he spend some time calling you and the kids once he finishes work?

I would also be wondering does he have a separate community during his away days that he values more than family?

I also can't get over the one hour commute meaning a hotel stay. My commute is longer than that and it's generally spent jammed on a train in discomfort but its never crossed my mind to stay in a hotel instead of coming homento DC and DH. So I really can't understand how this hotel situation has come about - is their definitely not another woman, or even second family?

Your husband has checked out of your marriage OP. You need to have a serious talk…and ultimately he needs to check back in, or move permanently into his hotel. He’s taking the absolute piss with that anyway!! Three days out of family life, because of a one hour commute??? Seriously? 🥴 It wouldn’t even occur to most people that this required three days every week in a hotel! Totally understandable on the odd day here and there, when there’s a particularly heavy day at work with approaching deadlines, but this is his way of removing you and the kids out of his life and mind.

Nah! Sack that off right away!

100% it's taking the piss! Millions of parents go more than that every day. The fact that he can't be arsed to video call or telephone while he's away is also completely out of order

He likes the idea of having a family especially children so he can tell himself he's doing it all for you but he can't be arsed with the actual reality of being a parent

the fact he never ever says no at work but says it to you all the time shows where his priorities are

he didn't think his own daughters birthday was that important

i couldn't stay with someone so unbelievably selfish and lacking in self awareness

I think the problem you've got @sunshinepenguin is that your husband isn't open to discussion and compromise

I was going to suggest couples counselling to try to work out some different ways of living with an "adjudicator", but I figured that you'd say this suggestion would turn into an argument and would therefore go nowhere

When one person in a marriage knows the other person is unhappy but will do nothing to ease that unhappiness, you're not in a marriage you're in a dictatorship

You DO have choices but they're limited

Put up and shut up

Start the process of leaving him.....squirrelling money away, getting a FT job etc etc

I'm assuming telling him that you want a divorce wouldn't change his attitude?

I wonder how he'd manage his so big & important job with having his children 50:50

💯 this!’ An hour! I thought you were going to say something like 3 hours. I do 1.5 hours on a bus most days just getting from suburb to city centre (that’s there and back).

Truth is @sunshinepenguin he might say he misses you/DC, but staying in a hotel is easier. It feels like he’s checking out of family life because he is. He can work all day then go for dinner in hotel - no cooking or cleaning up. No reading to the DC. No talking about the day with you/DC. You know, stuff that families should be doing.

Agree you should do the lion’s share of house chores etc but he needs to step up wrt the family stuff.

If you divorce, how’s he gonna manage his work when he has to engage in his DC’s lives?

Resentment will absolutely eat away at you if this isn’t sorted pronto and that really will be the death knell for your marriage.

Well ...... he wouldn't agree to 50/50, I'm guessing. 😡

From what the OP has said, her DH isn't interested in the children in a meaningful way, so I'm guessing he'd have the children EOW or every other Saturday/Sunday.

Sadly the Courts can't force Fathers (or Mothers) to care for their children in a meaningful way 🥺😭

She works 3 days and sometimes 4 she says? And has to do all drop offs and pick ups. I'm not sure working a 5th day would help when most of it would vanish into tax and extra wraparound anyway?

Some of this sounds pretty normal, you are the one working part time so likely to pick up more of the slack at home. I also find it easier to be the one who does school admin and organises the kids birthday things, I actually like to know what I am buying and these days everything is so much easier because of online shopping. Same with things like groceries, you can easily do an order online so it's not quite the same as having to go out and shop.
What about other tasks like car maintenance, bins, DIY? I might think I do all the household stuff but in reality we share taking the kids to clubs, husband always does tasks like the bins, mopping the floor, will get out the proper carpet cleaner now and again, washes the cars and does car maintenance, does driving when on holiday etc.

I don't get the hotel though and that is my biggest issue with your post and him not being available. As others have said, many commute for an hour each way, I used to do this (and did during my first pregnancy right up til giving birth) so I would be questioning why he does this every week.
Taking a day off work for a child's birthday is not something I would do though, surely she will be at school and it would be a waste of a day's leave. Won't you celebrate at the weekend?

I don’t agree with this.
He’s doing nothing to contribute to family life other than seize the kids to some activities at the weekend.

@sunshinepenguin you’d probably find that your life wouldn’t change if you divorced. That tells you all you need to know about how checked out he is.

And in answer to your actual question, no, you're expecting the bare minimum and not even getting that really.

I do nearly all the admin in my marriage (we have a SEN child so it's a lot at times). It does annoy me and when I occasionally go away with female friends it's so amazing as they do things like actually have ideas of what to do and where to go, find and book a restaurant without being asked etc!

I often wonder if men really realise how unappealing lack of effort and laziness is. Although being married to someone's job is always v tedious. And you know they'd still be doing that if you didn't exist.

Me too

Nope, this changes things now. An hour?!! FFS I though you were going to say he was going from bloody Bristol to Edinburgh!

An hour and he needs a hotel. He’s either a massive wimp or he’s used this as a perfect excuse to avoid all family stuff. Spoiler: it’s the latter.

An hour. Good lord. I do that now and used to do over 2.5hrs drive/train/tube daily, in busy and pressured C suite roles. What a wimp he is.

One hour commute and he stays in a hotel !?!? Speechless. You need to deal with that immediately and make it very clear it’s a condition of moving forward or when he does bother to come home he won’t find a family anymore and he’ll be in for a pretty lonely old time. I would also start matching his energy - no presents for family, no putting his name on the card, no organising stuff for him to do when he’s back just crack on like he’s not there. He needs to see he can’t just drop in and out. Get kids up and out for activities parties etc and leave him at home. When/ if he asks I would be asking why he cares now when he has no interest all week and your preparing for the future he is obviously moving towards - divorce.

@sunshinepenguin have you thought that maybe he's just knackered/drained. Working full time and spending 3 nights away with at least an hour commute each way is knsckering. Maybe he could go PT and you go FT?

It is odd to be staying in a hotel when the commute is not that long. Can’t he just do one night as a compromise? Have you asked him this? Also, not being there for your daughter’s birthday is completely out of order.

Just going back to the hour - I go from midlands to London 2or rarely 3 days a week - drive, train, tube, walk takes about 2hr 15 to 2hr 30 each way. Each day. Then come home and wfh rest of week. Usually anywhere upwards of 50 hours without counting the commute. And still manage to be a present parents and do school runs and organising in a senior management job whilst my husband does similar without the travel. I am honestly gob smacked hes been staying in a hotel for 2 years leaving you home with the kids.

That commute is not long enough to justify a hotel!

hahaha you're not serious??? Oh no a whole hour commute, the poor thing

as many women on here have pointed out already; they're mothers, work FT, and do longer commutes

OP works 3 sometimes 4 days a week on top of doing all the parenting and pretty much all the domestic work

he's not exhausted, he's just got himself a nice cushey life he doesn't want to change

The fact that he prefers to stay in a hotel 3 nights per week when he's only one hour away baffles me.
I'm a sahm so I do everything concerning dc/home etc. If I would start working we would probably divorce because I know he wouldn't do more at home (stressful job as well) and I would be resentful as you are - rightfully in my opinion.