Am I expecting too much from DH

[sunshinepenguin]

DH and I have two primary age DC.

When our eldest was born we worked similar hours and earned similar amounts and it felt very equal. Over time this has changed and I now work part time and only earn a third of what he earns. This was a joint decision, if anything it was me who was keen to work less as I wanted to be at home more for the children.

However I’m now feeling like it’s become so unbalanced that I’m starting to resent him and I can’t work out if this is justified or my expectations are unfair given he earns so much more than me.

He admits he is a workaholic and always has been. He WFH two days a week, on those days I barely see him as he’s on calls literally all day. Rarely if ever does pick up or drop off. The remaining three days he works on site and stays in a hotel and therefore we don’t see him. He claims not to be happy at his job and says he doesn’t like staying away as it’s boring, he doesn’t sleep well, misses us etc.

He does no cleaning or laundry. He will sometimes make dinner but I have to do the food shop and plan all the meals. He is quite good at driving the kids to their activities at weekends, although I have to book everything and keep track of timings, payments, party invites. He is also fine with staying at home with the kids whilst I go to an exercise class at the weekend or on evenings when he’s home. So it’s not that he does nothing at all but it feels very unbalanced.

This week is our daughter’s birthday and he’s working away. She’s turning 7 so an age where birthdays really matter and he’s done virtually nothing. I have bought and wrapped every present. Written the card from both of us. He won’t be here so I will decorate the house and sort out the cake and birthday tea. His mum has a big birthday coming up and I’ve bought all the presents and cards for that too as I felt sorry for her as I wasn’t sure DH would remember otherwise.

He never plans anything for us to do, never has ideas for days out, never says “I’ll take the day off and we’ll go for lunch while the kids are at school”. He just doesn’t feel very present in our lives. He’s always tired and always stressed about work. I’m taking our eldest to the GP today and not sure he even knows as we seem to live such separate lives.

I feel very sad about this and not sure where to go from here. Ten years ago I felt we were a team and now I just feel we are both so alone and I’m not sure how things can continue. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable to expect more from him when he earns so much more from me and I don’t know if it’s partly my fault for allowing this situation to develop.

Very much this
DH and I decided we would both keep to our working hours precisely to avoid this.
He can be lazy too sometimes and needs reminding of the domestic things, but at least he doesn't have the excuse 'but I work more'.

I’d be getting a babysitter and heading to that hotel for a surprise visit 😆 I’ve experienced too much shit from men to believe he’s just sitting there bored. And if that’s the case no way he’s relaxing half of the evenings during the week while I’m handling all evenings with kids!

Maybe trying to frame the conversation with him positively might help? Instead of pointing out stuff he’s not doing or doing wrong, maybe telling him you miss him and want to reconnect might elicit an emotional response. Sit down with him and go through upcoming family events so he can book the time off, suggest date nights, a weekend away, etc.

Of course the onus shouldn’t all be on you but you have to try a way which doesn’t result in an argument and see how you go. If you get nothing back, then you’ll need to hammer it home and let him the consequences of nothing changes.

Sounds like he is working very hard to support his family. Is he nice though, or an arsehole?

what goes around, comes around. my husband was always working, and at sport at weekends, it was left to me to do the special things for the kids - the baloons and cakes and gifts. now, its me they tell the special things too, along with the comment of 'tell dad, won't you' i made a life for the 3 of us and he was on the edge of that as he chose to be....
it hurts right now, but in time you will appreciate it. you are doing great.

There are a few things you are being unreasonable about and others that you are not. When your DH is working, you can't be reasonably expecting him to be available for chats, lunch, school pick ups and similarly if he can't take calls during the working day unless it is an emergency, that's fair enough.

A lot of men will leave women to sort out gifts, cards' parties. You have allowed this to happen by taking this on. My ex H used to get the presents for his brother and mum although I did used to prompt him and he was always very last minute. I reckon he would have got their on his own though. Admittedly I used to sort most of DS gifts but we would discuss party arrangements and DH would be involved on the day. He also took DS to some parties and occasionally take him to buy the birthday gift (if I asked). Since we have been separated, he has managed to sort gifts for DS so is perfectly capable as I am sure all men are.

There are a few things you need to talk about. If you want your DH to take time off for your kids birthdays, then tell him and remind him at the start of the leave year to get the days booked. If you want him to sleep at home instead of in a hotel (unless perhaps on occasions where he is working longer hours) or if you want him to do this once a week instead of 3 nights say as a compromise, then you need to discuss this. It is much easier for him to check out when he isn't home half the time but that said, if he is staying in a hotel 3 nights, I would hope/expect my partner to do more with the kids on the nights when he is home.

If after having some of these discussions, your DH is insisting on keeping things as they are and that isn't working for you then you need to reconsider your relationship. I get that you have more time off and it is fair that you pick up more of the domestic stuff but he doesn't get to check out and I think him staying away from home so much is really adding to your issues. If he were sleeping at home all the time, the ideal split is that when is is working he is working (that includes when he is working from home) and on your days off you pick up some of the cleaning, but when you are both not working you both contribute to the tasks needing to be done, i.e. making dinner, taking kids to clubs, bath times, bedtimes, loading/unloading the dishwasher etc.

If he is genuinely staying in a hotel paid for by work I'll eat my own knickers. He is living with someone.

Another example of women taking the back seat in their careers, and men taking advantage.

They do not value the work that wome do in the home, childcare, etc. They really, really don't.

Op, go back to work full time. You'll need a cleaner, and a nanny. Show him the bill.

Actually I did work at a company where several people stayed over in London Tues-Thurs even though they only lived an hour or so away - I found it bizarre as my commute had always been 90 mins door to door, but these people stayed over even though they lived in places like Reading? Very weird, but it was genuine and the company paid.

Personally I find it easier when my husband goes away on business 😆 one less person to cook and clean after and at least the kids listen to me 😂.

So your set up sounds similar to mine, except I would full time and I don’t resent my husband for it. We discussed it and I’m okay with it. He earns double what I earn but I want him to focus on his career as he provides a lot for us. He is useless with dates and won’t remember anything, but aren’t most men like that? I also make arrangements to meet up with his family that don’t live nearby. If I didn’t, he’d barely see them. I also work because I like it and have tried being a stay at home mum, but it’s really not for me. But at the same time, I want to do it all with the kids and be present and be there for all school appointments. Yes, it’s exhausting and busy but we’ve talked about it and agree to this. If I need help I ask and he does help. Seems like you guys have discussed this and it worked in the past, but if your set up no longer works for you, you need to talk to him about it and remain calm. But figure out what you want first and if something you have previously agreed on no longer works for you, explain objectively why.
Edited to mention what are your finances like? My husband and I have a joint account and everything is paid in and out of one account, whilst he earns more I do the bulk of the work with the kids and it’s only fair we share everything.

I would commit murder for a man who was a provider and faithful and present. You sound massively ungrateful. He's working to fund all of you, what do you want from the poor man? Get over it, think of the things you do as your job.

The commute thing is so weird. My husband does 1.5 hours each way. I used to do 2 hours each way for a couple of years.

He’s having a luxury evening probably eating nice food and watching telly. I would LOVE that. Heaven. Instead the person at home wrangles kids into baths and beds and stacks the dishwasher. Empties the bin

OP works 3-4 days a week. So it’s not much less than the husband. She’s not a sahm

He is useless with dates and won’t remember anything, but aren’t most men like that?
Of course most men aren't like that. If he is successful in business I bet he can manage to figure out dates and remember things related to matters that are important to him.

HA! You'd be surprised how many flights he's missed because he's got the dates wrong! 😂He's great with things that matter. Either way, I don't care! I knew that about him before I married him. He's contributes to the family in so many other ways I could care less if he doesn't remember our wedding anniversary or what time our DD's gymnastics lessons are. I'm good with dates/times. We're a team - things I hate/not good at, he's great at. Thanks for taking the time to comment on my reply. Feeling special 😚

If you go through what OP said rather than pick at others responses, you'd see that OP and her DH agreed on this together due to traffic and stress. Like I said - she needs to speak to her DH if this arrangement no longer works rather than resent him.

One hour commute is nothing - lots of people do that and more on a daily basis. I thought you were going to say about three hours! My husband regularly commutes one and a half to two hours, it's not great but he'd much rather be at home than stay in a hotel.

I am really gobsmacked re the hotel tbh. Also by the fact he couldn't( wouldn't) drive home for your dc's birthday.Hope you have managed to have a talk.

Speaking from my own experience as a mother and from my own childhood and other mothers, ive had 3 major relationships and I have 3 children. Men are mostly unable to provide any of the balance women require. Women do the vast majority of burden. Women are expected to do so and this is unfair and so taxing for us. (I have always been the breadwinner). We can easily watch ourselves diminishing as we take on more and more. And we have RESENTMENT for the lack of input. I've have given everything and tried every approach and never found a resolution, neither have the other Women I've dealt with. You can tell him - be unemotional, logical, straight to the point. I need more from you, I need you to do X Y Z. I want us to be a team again. Spend time together. Be the best family we can be. How do we go about doing this? See if it helps.

I doubt he is staying in his hotel on his own. If he even stays in a hotel…

I would invest in a private investigator.

Respectfully I’m going to disagree. Each family is different, but in my experience, the vast majority of women who reduced hours or gave up work, was in agreement, or at the request of the husband, to avoid the very significant costs of childcare.

equally I would observe that OP’s description is typical of many families. Communication and mutual appreciation are clearly vital but not always easy.

He’s working his arse off for you and your children and your moaning. I think your acting very entitled.

I was assuming he worked more than an hour away as he stays in a hotel. Perhaps he could start staying away for only one night a week and coming home for the rest. Most people commute at least as long as that if not longer and don't stay away. It sounds like he is avoiding family life as it's nice and quiet away from you in his hotel but that is not really fair on you and the kids. You might need joint counselling to be able to change this situation, or for him to confirm that you and the children are not his priority and help you make decisions about your future.

Could you and your DC stay at the hotel during midterm break? His reaction would tell you a lot.

Who was doing all you have listed you do now, when you were both working similar hours? Has his attitude changed towards chipping in doing things since you cut your working hours? You usually find in most households that it's the Mum/Wife doing the home admin, buying presents, booking appointments etc. Sounds a bit sexist, but we Women are more thoughtful & more organised about Birthdays & special events. Have a chat with DH at a calm time when you both don't feel stressed asking him if he feels things have became a bit unbalanced. It could be it's happened gradually & he's not aware of what you are doing & that you feel he needs to step up a bit more. He doesn't sound all bad as he does drive the kids to their activities on his days off at weekends so he is willing to help by the sounds of it.