Am I expecting too much from DH

[sunshinepenguin]

DH and I have two primary age DC.

When our eldest was born we worked similar hours and earned similar amounts and it felt very equal. Over time this has changed and I now work part time and only earn a third of what he earns. This was a joint decision, if anything it was me who was keen to work less as I wanted to be at home more for the children.

However I’m now feeling like it’s become so unbalanced that I’m starting to resent him and I can’t work out if this is justified or my expectations are unfair given he earns so much more than me.

He admits he is a workaholic and always has been. He WFH two days a week, on those days I barely see him as he’s on calls literally all day. Rarely if ever does pick up or drop off. The remaining three days he works on site and stays in a hotel and therefore we don’t see him. He claims not to be happy at his job and says he doesn’t like staying away as it’s boring, he doesn’t sleep well, misses us etc.

He does no cleaning or laundry. He will sometimes make dinner but I have to do the food shop and plan all the meals. He is quite good at driving the kids to their activities at weekends, although I have to book everything and keep track of timings, payments, party invites. He is also fine with staying at home with the kids whilst I go to an exercise class at the weekend or on evenings when he’s home. So it’s not that he does nothing at all but it feels very unbalanced.

This week is our daughter’s birthday and he’s working away. She’s turning 7 so an age where birthdays really matter and he’s done virtually nothing. I have bought and wrapped every present. Written the card from both of us. He won’t be here so I will decorate the house and sort out the cake and birthday tea. His mum has a big birthday coming up and I’ve bought all the presents and cards for that too as I felt sorry for her as I wasn’t sure DH would remember otherwise.

He never plans anything for us to do, never has ideas for days out, never says “I’ll take the day off and we’ll go for lunch while the kids are at school”. He just doesn’t feel very present in our lives. He’s always tired and always stressed about work. I’m taking our eldest to the GP today and not sure he even knows as we seem to live such separate lives.

I feel very sad about this and not sure where to go from here. Ten years ago I felt we were a team and now I just feel we are both so alone and I’m not sure how things can continue. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable to expect more from him when he earns so much more from me and I don’t know if it’s partly my fault for allowing this situation to develop.

You are not expecting too much, you are expecting far too little.
’Dh. I’m very unhappy. I’ve been thinking the absolute bare minimum you need to do right now to stay married and it’s book dds birthday off, I dont care how hard it is, it’s on you for not planning ahead it’s hardly news what day her birthday is, and then book each of your children and your wife’s birthdays as leave for the next year right now, dinner that night is up to you, you are doing special daddy pick up because you love your kids, and you will commit to planning shopping and cooking a meal one night per week, the same night, no exceptions unless you’re in hospitals and I have evidence you are there, and we book marriage counselling. It’s either that or one of two options. You come home from your 3 days of fucking off out of our life every week and find us gone one day, or the resentment and fury at your total lack of interest in and time for your family just overwhelms me and I stab you with a rusty spoon. I’m trying to avoid the last two but it’s in your court now. You have two days to decide if you’re going to try and stay in this family and if so if your dinner night is Monday or Tuesday, if you don’t know where the shops are do not ask me, Google is your friend, we eat at 6, as you might know if you’ve ever cared enough to notice. I don’t think I have anything firther to say right now except that this was so avoidable if you could only have managed to give the tiniest of fucks about us, and every time you say I’m a workaholic I hear you say I don’t give a single shiny shit for you or our children, so if I were you I’d think carefully about that phrase. Every day you make choices and every day it’s not us. You have two days. I’ll text you this too so you can’t possibly misunderstand.

@Theeyeballsinthesky I am serious. I've done hour commutes, 2.5 hour commutes, c level roles in large corporations, juggled the childcare, not juggled the childcare etc my DH works from home and generally works PT being the main earner and a workaholic is knackering.

I think the question is can she support herself working three days a week if they were to split up. Because it sounds like she is unhappy in her marriage and her husband is not present. It’s no way to live. We don’t know how much she earns but I’m guessing her extra income from going full time will not be fully eaten by tax. Her husband’s salary will also contribute to the childcare, not just hers. My point is she goes back full time AND gets the husband to do some of the kids and family stuff so everything is more equal. Perhaps that will take some pressure off him to stay in his current job and he could look for one with easier hours when there is a second full time income to take the pressure off. The other option is to become a SAHM to manage everything but I’m not sure that will fix the problem with her husband checking out, it will probably make it worse.

I work full time, so it’s an hour and a half every office morning to do two different drop offs and go into the office. What a useless absent father and husband he is.

No way should the op become a sahm. She’s not that stupid.

Agree. DP did a 2 hour driving commute- both ways- for 18 months. He would never stay away if he could come home. He did need to do Mon-Thur for 9 months as he was on an island hours away, but we've both said never, ever again & he's told his employer as such.

He needs to sort out his priorities, hard as it is. No-one ever said in their last moments 'I didn't work enough.'

The CEO of my large global company spends more active time with his family than this dad. But he’s a good guy so of course he does, because good men love their family.

I can't stop thinking about this thread. The DH is an unbelievable cocklodger!

I work for a company in Wales. I work closely with 12 other people

EIGHT of those 12 travel 2 to 3 hours one way to work each day. Therefore 4 to 6 hours each DAY

None of them stay in hotels

Why? Because they are desperate/excited to get home to see their family

@sunshinepenguin respectfully.....grow a pair and stop putting up with your husbands entitled shyte

Is it possible he is working so hard and do focused because he wants to continue to financially provide? So yes he is physically and mentally absent but his work is underpinning things financially.
As someone whose husband has workaholic tendencies and over the years it has been a point of conflict between us I think I recognize what you write about.
Im not sure what the solution is really. I think some driven people have a sort of love hate relationship with their jobs and they can become all consuming.
Over the years I have realized DH loves us very very much. But work has this hold over him for various reasons. I have negotiated with him and pointed out when he has become too mentally absent. What has helped is putting things in the diary for him to attend when he can - weeks in advance. To try to see the pressure he feels - even if I don’t think it is reasonable. I am not the ultimate decider of that. I also always told him he could quit and I would support that - I have come to realize this is unlikely to happen .
And also I started to do a bit less so I had time for me. With birthday parties, with gifts for my in-laws - this is DHs job not mine. I will offer suggestions if asked but not offer.
We tried to go away for a weekend once a year or every other year with no children. Also if DH was very busy at work or had exams and it was holiday time I would once or twice a year take the children away alone for a night of 3. I have very happy memories of those times. I would always offer DH to come - we would sort of plan 5 months in advance. But if he couldn’t/wouldn’t I went with the children anyway.
Im sure he loves you all very much. There will be a reason for his behavior and responses. It won’t be because he doesn’t love or want to spend time with his family.
I think we expect men to know their emotions and be able to express them in a coherent way. In my experience many many men can’t do that like women.

I was fully on board until you said the commute was an hour on a good day. He doesn’t need to stay in a hotel for that, even taking into consideration long hours.

I mean everything is a choice isn't it? He is choosing to stay away for 3 days a week. He is choosing to stay in the job, despite saying he does not enjoy it. He is choosing not to take a day off for his child’s Birthday.

His children will be aware of his absence, whether it bothers them or not at this stage is another matter. I have been where you are and now my children are older, they have a very weak relationship with their Dad. We are still together but it’s me they call. It’s me they want to meet up with. It’s me they rely on. He is just floating around in the background without a real, meaningful role in their lives. Oh and my DH said he was working all those hours to retire early and spend more time with us. Spoiler alert, he didn’t! Again, his choice!

I wouldn’t say we share equally as my jobs are more frequent than some of dhs. But I do the lion share with ds who is disabled so I’m still working while dh is at work. I also carry most of the mental load. Take DS to appointments etc.

He doesn’t sound too bad OP judging by what I read on here. Yes it’s a shame he won’t take the day off for your daughter’s birthday, I think his boss would be wondering why he isn’t, work places are very family orientated these days. I think his job is stressing him so then he finds it even harder to parent. Could you all go out for tea when he’s finished work? You definitely need to sort a date night, just you two, something relaxing, try to reconnect.

Are you sure he’s not staying with someone in the hotel? It’s very odd to do that for 1hr commute and he sounds like he’s mentally checked out.

My family was very similar to yours when the children were young. When the children got to teen and young adulthood ages their dad was really good at giving advice and guidance.

I think he trusts you to make the decisions for the kids, is a 7 year olds party really a two person job?

If you want him to do less at work or change job, then you need to step up and change or increase hours in what you do outside the home. It's not easy, but plenty do it.

I definitely wouldn’t. The fact is if you have your own income you have agency and you have choices and you are not reliant on a husband who thinks he doesn’t have to be part of the family and who dictates how things should be in your day to day life.

This is an important point. People tend to assume an ex will suddenly step up as a parent post-divorce but the reverse tends to be true. If he's a rubbish parent now, he's unlikely to magically improve.

im surprised he’d stay away for the sake of an hour commute. Even a 15 minute train ride can easily turn into an hour door to door by the time you have to get to the station from home and then from the station to an office.

Wow you have it easy! There's no way I'd work full time and do all those chores whilst my partner only worked 1.5 days. Surely the point of someone not really working is that they look after the home and the child?

to be honest with managing DS needs, my own health needs and caring for my dad it feels very equal. We both get down time if we want it and neither of us feel overworked. I think most women are use to doing more than their dh and being exhausted I’m not lucky to not have that it should be the norm

She has reduced hours by a day, sometimes two, per week and in return has picked up 100% of the household/family stuff. His earnings are irrelevant - they are not sharing the overall load and benefits equally. If they were working as a partnership then each would get roughly equal time out and equal financial benefits which is what actually matters.

The other problem is that he has checked out of family life, is blaming his job but doesn’t want to change the job. He is prioritising his own long term career interests knowing a woman will pick up the family load, right down to buying his mother’s birthday presents. This only works where there is acknowledgement of the value brought by the non earning or lower earning partner and financial arrangements recognising that - this all seems to be missing here. Like PPs I’m a bit eyebrow raised at a commute of an hour being used to justify three nights in hotels each week.

One partner reducing their paid work by just a day or so a week does not justify the other treating them as a housekeeper, nanny and secretary.

I had a DH like that - didn't do the school run or activities. I worked very limited part time. He came home late to "avoid the rush hour" so very few bedtimes. The odd days he was at home when I was working I later found out he let them watch junk TV no homework or reading done - ever. All his important activities took precedence as he would do them on the way home from work (before phones were commonplace) so I didn't get chance to ask him not to go.
Annoyingly he is now the expert on child rearing with DGS's.

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable.
I think it's fair that if you work less, you do more of the housework/mental load/life admin stuff. I don't think it's a good set-up when the main earner clearly prioritises their work and themselves over the family.
We had a fairly similar family set-up to you - DH earns a lot more than me and works full time in a senior and fairly stressful job. My job is part-time and totally flexible. To pick up on some of the examples you've given - I did/do the lion's share of shopping, housework, meal planning etc, organising kids' clubs and lives. I would organise his parents' birthday presents (which may involve us chatting about ideas, but it would basically be my task). He would definitely know if one of the kids was going to the doctors.
I'd expect to do most of the birthday planning, but he'd definitely be there if at all possible (my kids have had over 50 birthdays between them now and I think he's missed one). If he wasn't, it'd be a big deal and we'd have agonised over it and tried to find alternatives.
As everyone else has said, staying in a hotel because of an hour commute is at best indulgent. Maybe occasionally, but as a regular thing that seems crazy.

The hotel part is unbelievable. I don't mean it's not true, I mean it's so outrageously selfish. How dare he check out of family life for 3 nights a week?

Does he not want to see his children?

And saying it's too short notice to book his daughter's birthday off. It's the same day every year! I feel so sad for you OP.

You cannot be serious? Your life is not equal! Your husband is working AND doing an equal share of the chores.