Am I expecting too much from DH

[sunshinepenguin]

DH and I have two primary age DC.

When our eldest was born we worked similar hours and earned similar amounts and it felt very equal. Over time this has changed and I now work part time and only earn a third of what he earns. This was a joint decision, if anything it was me who was keen to work less as I wanted to be at home more for the children.

However I’m now feeling like it’s become so unbalanced that I’m starting to resent him and I can’t work out if this is justified or my expectations are unfair given he earns so much more than me.

He admits he is a workaholic and always has been. He WFH two days a week, on those days I barely see him as he’s on calls literally all day. Rarely if ever does pick up or drop off. The remaining three days he works on site and stays in a hotel and therefore we don’t see him. He claims not to be happy at his job and says he doesn’t like staying away as it’s boring, he doesn’t sleep well, misses us etc.

He does no cleaning or laundry. He will sometimes make dinner but I have to do the food shop and plan all the meals. He is quite good at driving the kids to their activities at weekends, although I have to book everything and keep track of timings, payments, party invites. He is also fine with staying at home with the kids whilst I go to an exercise class at the weekend or on evenings when he’s home. So it’s not that he does nothing at all but it feels very unbalanced.

This week is our daughter’s birthday and he’s working away. She’s turning 7 so an age where birthdays really matter and he’s done virtually nothing. I have bought and wrapped every present. Written the card from both of us. He won’t be here so I will decorate the house and sort out the cake and birthday tea. His mum has a big birthday coming up and I’ve bought all the presents and cards for that too as I felt sorry for her as I wasn’t sure DH would remember otherwise.

He never plans anything for us to do, never has ideas for days out, never says “I’ll take the day off and we’ll go for lunch while the kids are at school”. He just doesn’t feel very present in our lives. He’s always tired and always stressed about work. I’m taking our eldest to the GP today and not sure he even knows as we seem to live such separate lives.

I feel very sad about this and not sure where to go from here. Ten years ago I felt we were a team and now I just feel we are both so alone and I’m not sure how things can continue. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable to expect more from him when he earns so much more from me and I don’t know if it’s partly my fault for allowing this situation to develop.

Hi OP, I could have written your exact post a few years ago so didn't want to read and run. My OH is also an extreme workaholic in a very demanding field as a consultant. He had ridiculous hours and for the first five years of my eldest being born I felt like a single parent to her despite working full time myself (just earning half of what he did). For a long time I just put up with the loneliness of it (we are from another country so I didn't even have friends or family here I could turn to). Our first turning point came when covid hit and he was forced to start wfh and realized it was possible for his field. And it has been the norm since then that we both split office days and therefore the drop off pick up duties.

But that still didn't change the fact that I was doing all the house admin all the time. It finally came to a head about two years ago when I finally threatened to walk out on the marriage (and actually meant it). To avoid getting emotional and blubbering my way through, I took a couple of days and wrote him a long letter about it, stating very candidly how I felt - I tried to not make it accusatory but focussed on the impact his behavior was having on us as a family and why I felt we weren't working well as a couple anymore and why this wasn't the partnership I had envisioned having.

He took the time to read it and we both took a day off work to go for a long walk and discuss it. It was clear he was really rattled by what I had said. He agreed that he had a hard time letting go of things at work but was going to try much harder at home and try and carve out time for me. We came up with a schedule for who would handle major things (holidays etc) and he made a serious effort. It's not perfect but we've come a long way since then. The upshot is that even if he forgets things, I just remind him rather than get silently upset and stew about it. He is grateful for the reminder(s) and will make the effort to do something. For my part I've had to work on letting go of high standards and go more with the flow of his decisions.

Hope this helps you in some way.

Most people have a full time job AND bring up children AND look after the house. When I was on maternity leave, I looked after kid/kids, did the housewifey bit, cooked, cleaned, tea on the table, life admin etc the whole lot. It's not rocket science (unless there is SEN involved which is a whole different ballgame).

I've no doubt he's busy etc but honestly sounds like he's zoned out of family life.
We both work full time but DH earns signficantly more and travels a good bit for work. But everything is a partnership and a conversation. We'll take the time to work out childcare arrangements for holidays etc. That might include one or both of taking the odd day off and he cherises the opportunity to spend the day with kids. We both take an afternoon off every Dec to plan and buy kids xmas presents. I do lions share of organising birthday parties but there isn't a chance he would ever miss them, he would be gutted. Regular facetime when he's away so kids can say goodnight etc. I tend to do most of the food planning/ cooking but I wfh a couple days a week so batch cook a couple of meals. Clean as we go or a quick run around on a Sunday morning.

Marriage is a partnership and thus all the life admin is.

Btw the person saying their children's birthdays were not on their husbands radar?! The bar really is so low.

Exactly, most people do do this so how come men who work full-time suddenly get an out because their partner has taken on all of the childcare??

I can literally do chores more easily now that I am back at work than when I was on maternity leave/when my child is at home.

Just because someone goes out to work doesn't mean they just get a free pass to not help at home, especially when their partner is looking after a young child all the time. It is work too, and tbh I find it much harder than my actual job!

So you have a longer commute yet HE spends 3 nights a week in a hotel?

I really have read it all.
MN is truly a parallel universe.

Could you be more of a mug?
Could your children be more short changed.

I actually would class your relationship as abhsive and coercive that you have been forced into such a situation.

Please wake up OP, because this is truly a ridiculous situation.
Your poor children.

So can’t say no to his team but can say no to seeing his 7 year old on her birthday?

When my children were that age I commuted at least 1.5 hours each way 4 days a week. Only stayed away a few times for late finishing projects or overseas. I did take time off or at least worked from home so I was there when they got home on their birthdays.

I can say with all certainly OP that he is completely taking you all for granted.

Oh and my old boss stayed in a hotel 3 days a week with the same commute. And he was sleeping with one of his team.

Same. There is no way in a million years my workplace would approve that!

There's a saying attributed to Matt Groening cartoonist. "A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house".

Scenario 1 - your lost earnings are placing more pressure on your husband and his stress levels are sky high, the project has gone from 6 months to 2 years and counting and he is allowed to claim the accommodation costs because he is working until 10/11 every night with his team. He's burnt out and only capable of doing what he's told/explicitly asked to when he comes home.

Scenario 2 - he's checked out of family life and is avoiding the labour by having a "busy and important job" that means he stays away half the week. His office may or may not actually be paying for the "hotel", if his salary goes direct into his account how would you know? Or he's staying with someone else which is why he won't video call, because he's not actually working late in an office.

Either way, it's not sustainable so it's time to sit down with him and have a proper chat.
Might be sensible to figure out what you want before you do though.

You’ve just described my life only I work full time as well. It’s grim

The really sad thing about this is he is missing out entirely on family life , even missing his daughter's birthday party. Those are days your family will never have again. He's almost entirely absent from your lives.

He needs to work few hours, be more present and you need to go the other way.

You either want him to be the breadwinner or you don’t. I was working from home today. I didn’t have time to make a cup of tea, never mind take a personal phone call. Working from home is still work.
I was the one that went part-time and did the bulk of running the house. I did find he was at a loss with their routine when they were little because they change so much and he was away 5 nights a week. He did have to pull his weight at the weekend if he wanted clean clothes to return to work. Now I’m full-time again it is more equal.
Set your boundaries around extra tasks like his Mum’s birthday. Tell him his family’s gifts are for him to sort if he wants them to receive anything.
We don’t take the day off for our children’s birthdays, they’re in school. He does do a short call from his hotel when he’s working away. Although some evenings we’re out at clubs or he’s having a meal with a colleague.
At times I resented how much easier his life was during the week but I wouldn’t have been able to reduce my hours if he wasn’t in that job.

So sorry you are feeling all this OP. For context I've been in your shoes. Similarly to you I work the equivalent of 3 days (often swap a day to the weekend as I run my own business but works out about 3 days of hours). About 5 years ago dh and I had to have a "proper chat" similar to you. It was kick started by my mum asking where on holiday we were all going THE NEXT DAY and he said he didn't know. I agree, it's not so much the labour that you're putting in to everything, it's more that you're not a team, it's your family and he finances it quietly from the sidelines (that's how I felt anyway).

We discussed how this level of working impacts his relationship with me, his children, his own happiness. Rather than focusing on chores we looked at moments of connection. So as a result he "picked up" one of the kids hobbies for each of them, this meant doing all the admin but also all the engagement, the excitement when they do well, all the cuddles when they miss out etc. We also agreed he'd solo organise a date night once every other month to focus time and effort on one another. It has built from there, he still works a lot more than me and of course we benefit massively financially but he now does 25% of school runs, he does laundry, cooks at the weekend, still runs a couple of kids hobbies and prioritises his relationship with me. It's not perfect but he cares and tries which is important. Some things I still naturally own and don't mind (birthdays, holidays, school stuff, kids clothing, shopping and meal prep) and some stuff he owns (bins, weekend food, sports hobbies, pets, insurance and finances). We split cleaning, laundry and life admin.
I'd suggest framing the conversation or maybe even going to counselling to discuss what family life he envisaged, how connected you all feel to each other, how relationships work and how much time he spends "watering" his marriage and his relationship with his children. Once he's focused on how you and he want those things to look, the chores, emotional labour, effort etc will come - because that's how you show care and once he has an interest and a commitment to family life, you can begin to split things more equally. It's more what does he actually want (and what do you want) family life to look like first. Of course, if you both wildly disagree on what fanily life should look like then that's a whole other question/issue - I'm assuming that he is just nose to the grindstone and accidentally neglecting the rest of his life (because you pick it up). If he says he sees that as a You Problem, and he doesn't want to change then you've a bigger marital issue.

nah. We both earn well in management roles but technically I suppose I’m the breadwinner as I earn double my dp. Days I work from home I flex for my kids, because I have 3 young kids. And so does he.

Working away does have an impact. Dh gave up his hmjob working away as he became so disconnected.

Iv excepted im the household organiser but on plus he's happy to go along with all my plans and being told where to go

We clean on a Sunday and everyone mucks in

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, OP. I see a lot of red flags in your husband’s behaviour, and an affair is definitely something to consider.

Either way, from where I’m standing, it seems like you might be better off without him. You’d likely have more time, possibly more financial stability, and he’d be forced to step up and spend more time with his kids.

My DH and I both work full time, only he is like your DH and works abroad a lot and is back to back on calls all day and eve when he is home. I have to commute 2-3 hours a day, but I always come home because otherwise there would be no parent at home. I hate being away anyway. 1hr commute DH could come home more often, especially if he misses you and doesn’t sleep well. Birthdays especially. I wish I only had 1hr travel.
A lot of the responsibilities fall on me. We try to do it so that DH is responsible parent on Saturdays so that I get a bit of a break, as I’m full time parent all week and run the house too.
You do need to give DH more responsibilities. If you leave it to him he will do the bare minimum. Some blokes are quite happy to be looked after and don’t recognise that their partner needs looking after too.
I would suggest starting with getting him to take the kids out on a Saturday morning for breakfast, a McDonalds, to the park… actually doing something specific with them, and spending some quality time with them to reconnect. That way you can have a breather too. Then you can take your turn on Saturday afternoons to give him a breather. Assign him some jobs so he has a purpose in the house ie. Bins, garden maintenance, bed time on Tuesdays and Thursdays, dinners on Friday nights…
Saying that DH may be feeling partly resentful too that you get to work less hours and spend time with the kids, while he is burning the candle at both ends. It does sound like you are both “surviving” and are exhausted, but you need to find a happy compromise that works for everyone. Especially important to plan time in with the kids, as they grow up too fast, and plan in some date nights every now and again, maybe monthly. You plan the first one, and he does the next one

I’m gobsmacked at the level of acceptance that things are just not on his radar because he is the breadwinner and male. I wonder what people would say about a woman behaving like this. Did he not look after a home before children while he was working? Or did you do that too?
I would have a chat with him but not sure it will get very far with this type of ingrained behaviour. He’s getting too much out of it - basically a personal housekeeper, personal assistant and you also bring in your own wage - delightful for him!
I would stop doing his laundry and he can sort out birthdays etc on his side. If he forgets, let him be the one to explain or actually say that it was his responsibility. Write a list of chores for him to do on a weekly basis if he is incapable at thinking of what to do. You need to ask yourself that If he’s job is so demanding and high level then surely he can manage a few little chores? This is just weaponised incompetence.
Knock the hotel on the head. Absolutely ridiculous and ask him to spend the money on a housekeeper to help you as you are also working. Why should you live a lonely life as a slave indebted to him because he earns more money. It should be worked out so you all have a nice standard of life that you can enjoy together. Some extra help will mean you can all relax a bit more.
If he’s not up for any of this, up your hours at work and prepare to leave.

I do some days WFH and while people do need to recognise it's a day of actual work, it also offers you the advantage that you can put in a load of laundry at the start of the day, get it out at lunchtime and so on. The husband here seems to slide out of any of that. I would give him the come to Jesus talk as a poster up thread suggested and as an immediate start I'd say he now does washing on his two WFH days or his clothes will not be washed at all.
ETA: It was @99bottlesofkombucha . Say what she said.

Like the OP I don't think hotel=affair though. It's a way to get out of family life and childcare. Which is almost as bad.

Why dont you go full time, him part time and swap the roles?

Sounds like he could benefit with the extra time with kids.

So he matches you with housework but you don't match him with work? This seems very much less equal for him.

Wow an hour from home and stays in a hotel?

My dh was often out from 7-11 especially if he worked in London (2hrs each way by train) when my children were little. But he made up for it on the weekend. You need to speak to him about staying away.

How long are you content to put up with being his 2nd priority in his life…5, 10, 15 years??

We work to live, not live to work. Remind him maybe.

This was my first thought too.

Choosing to stay in a hotel for 3 nights every week rather than just drive for an hour to see your family is the choice of a man who has completely checked out of family life.

I would bet money he is having an affair and he sees the OW during those 2-3 nights every week.

what are his reasons for not video calling you and the kids? I can’t imagine my DP not doing that! Even if he’s in a different time zone working we stil make it work so we have at least few minutes when children see him. Staying in the hotel 3 times per week is crazy! I doubt he’s bored. I’d be doing some investigation if I was you.

I see this differently, as I said earlier - but one thing the OP could try is ringing him in the evening without warning. She can say the kids would like to see him, which will be true. See whether he answers and what he claims he's doing with his boring hotel evenings.