Husband gets out of any discussion with “I don’t like your tone”

[TheTicklishCrow]

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

I’m also recovering from covid, and I’m under a respiratory consultant due to scarring on my lungs. I’m on strong steroids, inhalers and struggle all the time with breathlessness. I’m pretty miserable.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been unwell we’ve argued significantly more. Whenever I express anything (even if it’s not about him), he will say I’m talking to him like shit or he doesn’t like my tone.

Example: today I came out of my respiratory appointment, clearly struggling for breath and upset about the findings. We went to pick up his DD from school. He got a phone call from work so I offered to take DD into the shop whilst he spoke on the phone. At the shop, DD was opening crisps and sweet packets after me telling her not to. She then threw herself on the floor and started kicking at me. This continued all the way back to the car. DH told DD off and put her in the car seat, and she was still crying.

My DH looked at me when I got into the car saw I was nearly crying and said “what’s up?” I said “what do you mean?”

He EXPLODED. He said “you’re always asking rhetorical questions, just say what’s up” and then “it’s always the tone you speak to me in”. I explained I was overwhelmed and stressed and it was no one’s fault. He said “you’re making out it’s my fault that DD had a tantrum”. I said let’s talk later (as DD was in the car). He then accused me of “blocking him out”. He tried to continue the argument at the house and again I walked away, DD walked into DH in the kitchen and I heard him say “yes I’m not arguing in front of you with HER, you don’t deserve that”

I’m so upset because firstly, I said not to discuss it in front of DD! He continued it! Also, I was doing him a favour getting DD out the car for his work call. It’s not DD fault she had a tantrum, she’s only little. But it WAS stressful. I just wanted him to ask if I was ok.

There’s so many more examples. If I say anything I’m using a “tone”, I get called “little miss innocent” and “well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

I’m sick of it. How do you even talk or communicate with someone who takes issue with how you speak? I honestly don’t think I’m using a tone at all! I just say what I think (eg. “Can you please let me know if you’re going to do school pick up today?”)

I’m at my wits end

this sounds totally unbearable. Has he always been like this?

Bloody hell. Why are you putting up with this? You sounds irritated and annoyed but not at all angry with him or accusatory of him. He’s behaving appallingly towards you! Making stuff up, taking stuff out on you, accusing you of things you haven’t done. Why are you letting someone do this to you, especially when all you’re doing is helping him with his child and his finances? He should be grovelling at your feet, thanking you profusely for all your help and looking after you while you’re sick, not the exact opposite!

@TheTicklishCrow how is your tone with him? My DH used to say this to me (and actually when I played it back my tone was off or abrupt because I was rushing, busy with work, stressed etc.

He's a dickhead who doesn't like you. Sorry OP.

He doesn’t like you. You need to make a plan to leave.

Um, he is right - he is an abusive arsehole! Sorry you are unwell, OP, and also dealing with this.

Why would you put up with this

if he won’t listen to you explaining how he is making you feel, leave

Sounds like a DD problem too, sorry. She's at school, you say? ....So old enough to know not to open packets in the shop!

But what your DH is doing can be a form of stonewalling.

Sounds like making him an exh is a bloody good idea.... The feeling of walking on egg shells not being there is fucking fantastic...
Ime.

Erm why wouldn’t you both talk in front of and to a child behaving so poorly? “What’s up?” “Amelia opened two packets of crisps and three packets of sweets in the shops.” She shouldn’t be doing that and having both parents reinforce it as close to the time in which she did it as possible is surely the right thing to do? Isn’t the best thing to do is to present a united front and tell her off?

Otherwise it sounds like he communicates poorly and uses the stonewalling technique which is unacceptable and you can Google it to see if this is the case and how to deal with it.

Does he not work? Why is he around at school pick up time? He probably wants a well wife. Some men aren’t necessarily ok with looking after anyone with no end in sight. Not great but it’s the truth. If you are ill, will you be able to cope on your own? It’s a thought.

There’s always one. 🙄

The OP would probably prefer a decent partner. Rather than an abusive arsehole 🤷‍♀️

He sounds like a dick. But in the example you give, he did actually ask what is up? So he did ask after you. And you replied 'what do you mean'?. Which is a weird rhetorical non answer, and sounds, well, arsey tbh. Why didn't you say how you felt at that point?

He sounds like an absolute twat and you sound like you'd be much better off away from him OP. You don't have to stay with someone who treats you badly - you need to leave.

I very much noticed the amount of Lee Anderson type aggressive twats talking to their partners like this in public when I went back to my birth town for the first time in very many years 16 months ago - didn’t matter where it was, in town , in Tescos etc - I’m sorry OP itxsucks and it’s totally not ok -

Another one wondering why you are still there. Is it your house? Can you ask them to leave? Otherwise book a mover and get yourself out of there. Sounds like he relies on you financially, which will be a karmic game of fuck around and find out for him.

What a dick.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who talked to me like that.

It won’t get any better.

Basically I think he feels bad about himself and he is blaming you. It’s a kind of denial/emotional avoidance.

He is desperate to avoid examine how he really feels about the general situation because that would be uncomfortable for him, might involve feeling his feelings and having to change. So you have become the scapegoat.

This is both facilitated by and exacerbated by the fact that you are vulnerable at the moment due to your health issues. On some level he feels he can get away with it because you have increased needs at the moment. You need him = he can get away with more. This also assuages his feelings of inadequacy because he fact needs you due to the financial situation.

In short, he resents you because he needs you, his ego is bruised because you have shown yourself more competent than him financially, at least for the moment, and on a needy manchild level because you have health issues he resents you for that because you are less available to look after his needs. He may also on some level feel guilty that he isn’t caring for you in the au he should when you have health issues, but that guilt is pressed really far down and he probably doesn’t realise that himself. He just feels bad because he isn’t helping (is in fact making it worse) so as he feels bad about that around you, in his mind, you are making him “feel bad” so the discomfort he feels about that he takes out on you.

It’s a very toxic cycle as the worse he treats you, the worse he feels about it, so the more he blames you and the worse he treats you.

The only person who can break that cycle is him. It would take a lot of work, reflection, therapy and change. He would have to see it for himself and throw himself into doing the work.

You can stop the cycle affecting you to such a great extent as it is currently. End the marriage. And it doesn’t matter if that gets him to see the situation clearly or not. What matters is that you don’t get so much of the brunt of it and also that you show your daughter that that kind of emotional abuse and toxic behaviour isn’t acceptable in an adult relationship.

Sorry it’s like that. It’s not your fault. Your responsibility in this situation is toward yourself and your child, not him. Trying to fix it on a one sided basis will only make it worse. Trying to reason or fight with him to see what he is doing will only make it worse.

Leave him, let him manage his own dd.

How old is his DD? She sounds young to be opening packets etc in a shop. What happened to his relationship with DDs mother (is has he always been an abusive ass and does he expect you to do his parenting for him?).

Well I think my tone is just normal.

Hed just witnessed DD on the floor screaming and put her in the car seat. He’d also just collected me from my appointment and knew I was upset. I found the question bizarre, so I said what do you mean?

She’s 5. She’s started having tantrums in the past year or so. She did it with me on Sunday as well when I was looking after her whilst her dad was playing football, and we were sitting watching. I don’t blame DD at all, and I specifically said that to DH. But looking after a stepchild when they’re like this is hard because I’m not in a position to tell her off, because I don’t feel comfortable doing so.

DH said to me “this is just what a parent is”. But it’s harder for me because I’m a stepparent. I’m not going to tell her off and I’m definitely not going to pick her up off the floor like he does.

He’s just witnessed me struggling to get his DD back to the car whilst struggling for breath. I was nearly crying and was using my inhaler. Of course he knew what was up! That’s why I said “what do you mean?”. I followed to immediately with “I’m just stressed”