Husband gets out of any discussion with “I don’t like your tone”

[TheTicklishCrow]

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

I’m also recovering from covid, and I’m under a respiratory consultant due to scarring on my lungs. I’m on strong steroids, inhalers and struggle all the time with breathlessness. I’m pretty miserable.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been unwell we’ve argued significantly more. Whenever I express anything (even if it’s not about him), he will say I’m talking to him like shit or he doesn’t like my tone.

Example: today I came out of my respiratory appointment, clearly struggling for breath and upset about the findings. We went to pick up his DD from school. He got a phone call from work so I offered to take DD into the shop whilst he spoke on the phone. At the shop, DD was opening crisps and sweet packets after me telling her not to. She then threw herself on the floor and started kicking at me. This continued all the way back to the car. DH told DD off and put her in the car seat, and she was still crying.

My DH looked at me when I got into the car saw I was nearly crying and said “what’s up?” I said “what do you mean?”

He EXPLODED. He said “you’re always asking rhetorical questions, just say what’s up” and then “it’s always the tone you speak to me in”. I explained I was overwhelmed and stressed and it was no one’s fault. He said “you’re making out it’s my fault that DD had a tantrum”. I said let’s talk later (as DD was in the car). He then accused me of “blocking him out”. He tried to continue the argument at the house and again I walked away, DD walked into DH in the kitchen and I heard him say “yes I’m not arguing in front of you with HER, you don’t deserve that”

I’m so upset because firstly, I said not to discuss it in front of DD! He continued it! Also, I was doing him a favour getting DD out the car for his work call. It’s not DD fault she had a tantrum, she’s only little. But it WAS stressful. I just wanted him to ask if I was ok.

There’s so many more examples. If I say anything I’m using a “tone”, I get called “little miss innocent” and “well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

I’m sick of it. How do you even talk or communicate with someone who takes issue with how you speak? I honestly don’t think I’m using a tone at all! I just say what I think (eg. “Can you please let me know if you’re going to do school pick up today?”)

I’m at my wits end

OP do you actually want to be with him? Does he bring anything to your life that you'd miss? It doesn't sound like it to me but do you think he'd explore Relate counseling? Is your house jointly owned and what would a split look like for you financially?
Edited to say it might be worth talking your own feelings through with a councillor first. You both sound extremely stressed about money and that might be impacting his behaviour-not that that gives him ANY right to treat you the way that he is.

From your post you are saying you have done nothing wrong and that may well be the case, therefore I would say you are both totally incompatible and should not be together especially because there is a child involved. Are you able to separate ?

@MangoBodyScrub

"A male poster" here?

@TheTicklishCrow Please take steps to get out of this relationship. Your husband doesn’t like you because if he did he wouldn’t speak to you like that. He is abusive, he is minimising you and trying to normalise putting you down. I would hazard a guess that he doesn’t shout or speak that way to his friends, his work colleagues or his employer. Someone who loves and respects their partner doesn’t speak to them as if they are nothing; especially when they are unwell and at their most vulnerable.

Get out of this relationship, you deserve so much more.

It sounds like a chaotic situation all around, it would make far more sense to me for him
to get out of the car if he needed to take a work call than you + the child.

I’m also unsure why is a 5 year old opening packets after being told not to. Sounds like he needs to start parenting.

He might actually be an abusive arsehole. Many of them actually subtly admit to who they are but in a wah wah I’m the victim kind of way. Which he’s doing here. Many also amp up when their partner is sick.

Ask him direct if this is how it’s going to be forever until one of you dies because you need to know to be able to make an informed decision going forward

yes the hint of leaving him is very much there
if he points that out just say “yeah I won’t live like this”

I mean one woman broke up with him already perhaps you are just finding out why

He sounds worse with every update.

You both sound really childish and incapable of a sensible conversation. You wanted him to ask if you were OK, but he asked "What's up?" and you pretended not to know what he meant?

Oh. No.

Its HIS child, and he appears to have found another woman to treat like shite while she does the lions share of looking after it for him.

Time to leave OP.
Let the parents deal with the tantrums and let your ex husband deal with himself.
No DH is better than an arsehole DH.

He’s a cocklodger and bringing you down so he feels more on equal footing. That’s what narcissists with insecurities do. They pick an empathetic partner they can parasite from and control. Call. His. Bluff

He’s abusive and nothing apart from him leaving will make any of this better and also your health? When he leaves your health will get massively better! Believe me it’s happened to me and since i don’t have that constant walking on eggshells in my life - which I didn’t realise was so bad until it wasn’t there! - then you will always be the one to blame and it will be your fault

“well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

Why, yes, yes you are.

LTB

💐

Sounds a lot like my ex. Minus the child because I will never be an unpaid nanny for any man.

Kick him and his child out @TheTicklishCrow . You've been together almost this child's entire life and he doesn't parent her at all. You should be disciplining her if you are expected to provide care but it isn't your job. He isn't going to get better, but probably will get worse.

Assuming since you earn more and he doesn't contribute when he feels like it, why doesn't he get a better full time job?, the house is yours. If not, leave him.

The bar needs to be above any level of abusive arsehole. This one doesn't love you.

Sounds like you are also carrying him financially, maybe cut to the chase and get rid?

You said ‘I just wanted him to ask me if I was ok’ are you sure you weren’t using some sort of tone to manipulate him into behaving differently towards you because that’s not great.

Everything else he sounds like an abusive arse and you would be better off without him and his debt issues.

He's defensive because he knows he's on thin ice, trying to gaslight you into believing that you are the problem.
I would let him fall through the ice, you can have a much more comfortable life without this millstone around your neck.

He’s an abusive, manipulative, entitled, emotionally disturbed and horrible man, @TheTicklishCrow, now showing his true self to you. He has absolutely nothing going for him.

Get the hell out of there. He’s messed with your head enough.

I was just coming to say exactly this.

Throwing things is physical abuse, OP. It lets you know "you could be next". The tone policing etc is part of the abuse and manipulation, I'd be willing to bet my life your tone is fine. I'd read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" (available as a free pdf online if you google).

I'd stop trying to engage with him on a meaningful level (discussing, explaining, connecting) and just try and grey rock him till you can get away.

Yeah @MangoBodyScrub has got to be male and one who can't even read properly.

This is emotional abuse OP and you don't deserve it.

OP you have to kick that useless sorry excuse of a man out of your life.

I really dont like the way he speaks to you. The fact you have been unwell, are earning far more than him AND picking up childcare for his daughter suggests he is getting far more from the marriage than you are.

If his attitude has declined as you have become unwell and required more support, this strongly suggests he sees you as a resource to exploit.

You are his wife and deserve rest and care when unwell. You are not a walking cash-point or a domestic appliance. He needs to step up and be a husband.

Do you have any children together?

What the hell? I’ve been married for over 30 years and I wouldn’t tolerate that. DH would get the bollocking of his life if he spoke to me like that.

OP, there is only one way to respond to this, in my view. You look him straight in the eye and say very firmly, Speak to me like that once more and we are done.