Husband gets out of any discussion with “I don’t like your tone”

[TheTicklishCrow]

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

I’m also recovering from covid, and I’m under a respiratory consultant due to scarring on my lungs. I’m on strong steroids, inhalers and struggle all the time with breathlessness. I’m pretty miserable.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been unwell we’ve argued significantly more. Whenever I express anything (even if it’s not about him), he will say I’m talking to him like shit or he doesn’t like my tone.

Example: today I came out of my respiratory appointment, clearly struggling for breath and upset about the findings. We went to pick up his DD from school. He got a phone call from work so I offered to take DD into the shop whilst he spoke on the phone. At the shop, DD was opening crisps and sweet packets after me telling her not to. She then threw herself on the floor and started kicking at me. This continued all the way back to the car. DH told DD off and put her in the car seat, and she was still crying.

My DH looked at me when I got into the car saw I was nearly crying and said “what’s up?” I said “what do you mean?”

He EXPLODED. He said “you’re always asking rhetorical questions, just say what’s up” and then “it’s always the tone you speak to me in”. I explained I was overwhelmed and stressed and it was no one’s fault. He said “you’re making out it’s my fault that DD had a tantrum”. I said let’s talk later (as DD was in the car). He then accused me of “blocking him out”. He tried to continue the argument at the house and again I walked away, DD walked into DH in the kitchen and I heard him say “yes I’m not arguing in front of you with HER, you don’t deserve that”

I’m so upset because firstly, I said not to discuss it in front of DD! He continued it! Also, I was doing him a favour getting DD out the car for his work call. It’s not DD fault she had a tantrum, she’s only little. But it WAS stressful. I just wanted him to ask if I was ok.

There’s so many more examples. If I say anything I’m using a “tone”, I get called “little miss innocent” and “well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

I’m sick of it. How do you even talk or communicate with someone who takes issue with how you speak? I honestly don’t think I’m using a tone at all! I just say what I think (eg. “Can you please let me know if you’re going to do school pick up today?”)

I’m at my wits end

Well if you actually read the post correctly, her dad was in the car.

I did tell her to stop opening them, and try to take her hand and she kicked out at me and threw herself to the floor.

She doesn’t hear us arguing, which is why in the car I didn’t want to talk about what had just happened and was overwhelmed.

He sounds absolutely dreadful with serious self esteem and anger issues.

it does sound a very quick timeline - being married to a man with such a young child that isn't yours and things being so bad already. How long were you together before marriage?

He sounds exhausted, and your child is so badly behaved this is not a 2 year old tantrum. You crying in the car was so ridiculous and should have told him of course it's not your fault. Get support with parenting your child and stop playing games with your exhausted husband it sounds like he has a lot of responsibility and is having to carry the entire family.

This

It's not her child!! It's his child!

And wtf? She's bailing him out financially - how is he carrying them?

It's not OP's child, it's her step-daughter. It does make it more conplicated for everyone.

OP, if this was a one-off it could possibly ne put down to tiredness or frustration. But it sounds like there's a pattern in how he speaks to you and how he deals with conflict. Like PPs have said, this dismissive approach wears you down and drains your self-confidence. People who use this approach tend not to be interested in changing how they communicate or treat people, in my experience.

If he has a five-year-old, I'd assume you've maybe been together 3 or 4 years at most. I would suggest thinking clearly about how long he's been like this. Maybe ask friends or family whether they've noticed anything. I think you probably deserve better.

Someone else who hasn’t read the post correctly.

he works 8-2 and earns less than me. I carry the family. He looks after his daughter 3 times a week, usually around what he wants to do whilst I watch her.

DD doesn’t see us argue.

I’ve asked him what “tone” I’m using and he says “little miss innocent”, “don’t use your psychology bullshit on me” and “I’ll shout if I want to!”

I’ve been aware of how I speak to him because of these comments. I don’t raise my voice, don’t insult him, don’t threaten him, don’t say anything is his fault…

i try to address things and communicate with him, anything I say comes down to my tone and the issue is disregarded completely, eg. money, throwing things in the house in anger.

We’ve been together for 4.5 years. DD is nearly 6.

What is mother’s role in all of this? How often is DD with dad and how often with mum. He’s using op as a babysitter so is he trying to do 50:50 to avoid child maintenance? I’d be looking at what is best for this child because this arrangement isn’t working.

Sorry this is happening, OP. Might be time to suggest counselling or something.

The more you write, the more is seems like emotional abuse, I'm afraid.

You altering your behaviour to appease him, changing your own voice to stop being on the receiving end of his anger.. Is a huge red flag.

I mean obviously communication in a relationship is important and you BOTH need to find a way to do that effectively.. But if his onus is always that you're the catalyst for his resulting behaviour, there's no hope.

Umm what ?

Not the point of the thread I know, but people work all sorts of different hours. Also the OP said he got a call from work which is why she took his DD into the shop.

OP it sounds like you're not compatible. Even though both of you are under stress for various reasons at the moment you aren't able to work through the difficulties together. You should seriously consider whether to end the marriage.

I would have said the same @TheTicklishCrow you were in middle of something stressful happening and he has asked you that as if he has just walked into a room and doesn't know why you are upset.
Your DP is probably projecting his stress over DD behaviour on to you.

I wonder why his first marriage failed ????!!!

He brought you onboard in order to do childcare for free, and now you've screwed that up by getting ill and he's pissed off about it. It's as simple as that.

Might be time to quietly put an end to this relationship.

Regardless of who is to blame, this doesn't sound like a happy partnership or home. I don't think I would be staying long term.

sweetheart, this is an abusive relationship.

Throwing things is domestic violence. They don't have to hit you for it to qualify as that. He's then making his bad behaviour your responsibility. No. He is an adult man. Controlling himself is his job.

And the thing about tone of voice? An absolute classic, especially combined with 'get that look off your face.'

Oh and his DD knows. Even if you think she doesn't. She knows.

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

So you're basically financially supporting him?

Reminds me of that saying "When poverty comes in the door love flies out the window".

Aside from the crap way he treats you, I'd be out of there.

Your relationship sounds like hell. Why are you staying with him? Nobody here knows you so you can be truly honest. Is it finances?

Comprehension is clearly not your strength @MangoBodyScrub . If you're going to be nasty and attack people online, at least read the post properly first.

Op what really stood out to me in your posts is this: "well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

Because actually I think he's very clever and every time he senses that you're upset/ annoyed and he knows he's caused it, he is doing damage control and is getting in front of it and twisting it round to place the blame at your feet instead of his. Because he knows it gives him a get out of jail free card. He talks about your tone because he KNOWS his is disrespectful and he's getting in there first. He KNOWS he could have stepped up more as dds parent to manage the situation so he deflects it on to you by accusing you of blaming him. He takes the fact of what's happening and deflects it on to you to avoid accountability.

Which is why "well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I” is so very telling. Because he knows that what he's doing is emotionally abusive. And he's saying this to deflect blame onto to and avoid taking accountability for the fact that yes, he is behaving abusively towards you.

Op you need to leave. You can't fix him and it won't get better. This isn't about finances, this is about him feeling entitled to take his frustration/ stress/ anger/ boredom out on you in whatever way he feels like it no matter the negative impact it will have on you. He is a narcissist and it will always be more important to him that he 'wins' than to ever listen to you. Which is why you cannot fix him. All you can do is respond to what he's showing you through your own actions which means walking away.

Oh and don’t waste any energy trying to work out if there’s something wrong with your tone. Your tone is only ever an issue when you’re asking him to do something or talking about something that is essentially his fault, right?

Focussing on your “tone” or the way you asked him to do something is a well known tactic for diverting the conversation. He gets to ignore what you’re actually saying by pretending there’s a problem with the way you have said it.

Not OP’s DD, only her DH’s. So OP will not have any responsibility for those behaviour problems if she leaves.

"he works 8-2 and earns less than me. I carry the family. He looks after his daughter 3 times a week, usually around what he wants to do whilst I watch her."

So why did he marry you? (Money, baby sitter???)
Why did you marry him? What are or were his qualities? Maybe you seeing how he is now.

Do you want to stay married to him? Why?
His dd is still young so you got many years to go of this.... if you chose to stay.

Try counselling for yourself first. Explore what you want in life