Husband gets out of any discussion with “I don’t like your tone”

[TheTicklishCrow]

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

I’m also recovering from covid, and I’m under a respiratory consultant due to scarring on my lungs. I’m on strong steroids, inhalers and struggle all the time with breathlessness. I’m pretty miserable.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been unwell we’ve argued significantly more. Whenever I express anything (even if it’s not about him), he will say I’m talking to him like shit or he doesn’t like my tone.

Example: today I came out of my respiratory appointment, clearly struggling for breath and upset about the findings. We went to pick up his DD from school. He got a phone call from work so I offered to take DD into the shop whilst he spoke on the phone. At the shop, DD was opening crisps and sweet packets after me telling her not to. She then threw herself on the floor and started kicking at me. This continued all the way back to the car. DH told DD off and put her in the car seat, and she was still crying.

My DH looked at me when I got into the car saw I was nearly crying and said “what’s up?” I said “what do you mean?”

He EXPLODED. He said “you’re always asking rhetorical questions, just say what’s up” and then “it’s always the tone you speak to me in”. I explained I was overwhelmed and stressed and it was no one’s fault. He said “you’re making out it’s my fault that DD had a tantrum”. I said let’s talk later (as DD was in the car). He then accused me of “blocking him out”. He tried to continue the argument at the house and again I walked away, DD walked into DH in the kitchen and I heard him say “yes I’m not arguing in front of you with HER, you don’t deserve that”

I’m so upset because firstly, I said not to discuss it in front of DD! He continued it! Also, I was doing him a favour getting DD out the car for his work call. It’s not DD fault she had a tantrum, she’s only little. But it WAS stressful. I just wanted him to ask if I was ok.

There’s so many more examples. If I say anything I’m using a “tone”, I get called “little miss innocent” and “well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

I’m sick of it. How do you even talk or communicate with someone who takes issue with how you speak? I honestly don’t think I’m using a tone at all! I just say what I think (eg. “Can you please let me know if you’re going to do school pick up today?”)

I’m at my wits end

I agree.

I remember after getting shot of mine I'd wake up and stretch my arm across the bed. In the early days I found myself hoping it hadn't been a dream. Feeling that side of the bed was empty and he really had gone, was wonderful.

That sounds terrible @TheTicklishCrow I do sympathise. I feel it's far too much to bear with your current health issues. Is there a way out?

So you're the higher earner. No children together. He treats you like shit and clearly can't actually stand you, and now resents you for not doing more babysitting.
There is zero reason not to leave this man and greatly improve your life. What are you even staying for?

“He looks after his daughter 3 times a week, usually around what he wants to do whilst I watch her “

i did a double take at this. You know he is using you for childcare and financial support.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

WHY are you subjecting yourself to this angry fuckwit??
Just leave OP.

“well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

He’s telling you who he is. Believe him.

I'd be looking at walking away from this nightmare tbh

Life is too short

Exactly like an ex of mine. He's policing your "tone" so you never get to say what the actual problem is. Well, you may say it but he won't listen because "you haven't said it correctly".

Love, there is NO correct way that will ever be acceptable to him. He will never ever listen to you.

You must get away from this abusive man. He's spiteful, hateful & he's making you ill.

It seems there is some terrible communication between you.

Yes, he is an idiot. But actually what was the function of “What do you mean?” What answer were you expecting or hoping for?

His shouting is terrible, so you both need to have a discussion about what is acceptable. He is sponging off the fact you try to deescalate, and thinks you should just accept it.

You can only change your own behaviour, so be open and concise. Abandon all the passive aggressive stuff. And also get him to parent his own child (what age?)

He's a bully and he's gaslighting you. He doesn't bring any joy to your life, but lots of stress. He seems to resent your success, and has little or no respect for you, or he wouldn't think it was OK to shout at you. He doesn't shout at his boss.

I think you should look at leaving him, luckily you don't have a child with him, so you can make a clean break.

As a side-note, you use the example of him getting annoyed if you ask him if he’s doing the school pick-up. He works 8am-2pm, youre ill and the breadwinner and its his daughter - the default should be him doing the pick-up every day. If he cant, he can ask you very nicely.

He is lazy and uncaring and a bully.

Did you find him because he placed an ad for a nanny with a fanny?

And what would have happened if you had made it clear early on that you wanted a relationship but you didn't want to live together until his DD was 18. Would he have stayed cos he loves you or would he have looked for someone else to be a free nanny.

It sounds like the end of a relationship to me. This constant stress won't be helping your breathing either.

Do you want to be with him? Are you happy with him?

Oh for ffs?

OP please ignore the posters who think your dh is entitled to use and abuse you because god forbid you should expect to be spoken to like a treasured person, a loved wife. Just leave him. He brought you in to be a purse snd a nanny and he hates you for getting sick snd expecting some love and consideration from him. If you lose your job or get any sicker or demand he parent his child he will dump you so fast your head will spin.

You deserve so much better OP.

Agree he sounds like a dick, and it also sounds like your communication to each other triggers each other: sounds quite toxic and that it’s time to call it a day. If you can’t even talk about things what’s the point?

He's nasty and abusive and you need to wake up to that.

He IS an abusive arsehole, believe him.

Another loser father who found a soft woman to house and pay for him and HIS child.

You are being abused.
Now you are unwell.

Talk to family and friends, tell them the truth.
Talk to Women's aid.

Get out of this marriage and stop allowing him to control you by shutting you down.

He will destroy your health further.

Stress can affect the lungs. Any big stress in my life affected my lungs and I was prone to chest infections as a result.

You need to mind your health.
Do not dream of having a child with such a nasty abusive arsehole.

Stop being used.
Stop giving him access to your money.
Get legal advice.
A short marriage you can get out of more easily.

Contact family and friends.
Can you go and stay with someone?
Stop sharing your money.

So sorry you're dealing with the health issues and now this. It sounds completely intolerable and bordering on gaslighting. You're footing the bill and providing some childcare for his DD?
You might find that you are calmer, more supported (by friends etc) and have more money if you leave him. I'd find the tone thing infuriating .