Husband gets out of any discussion with “I don’t like your tone”

[TheTicklishCrow]

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

I’m also recovering from covid, and I’m under a respiratory consultant due to scarring on my lungs. I’m on strong steroids, inhalers and struggle all the time with breathlessness. I’m pretty miserable.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been unwell we’ve argued significantly more. Whenever I express anything (even if it’s not about him), he will say I’m talking to him like shit or he doesn’t like my tone.

Example: today I came out of my respiratory appointment, clearly struggling for breath and upset about the findings. We went to pick up his DD from school. He got a phone call from work so I offered to take DD into the shop whilst he spoke on the phone. At the shop, DD was opening crisps and sweet packets after me telling her not to. She then threw herself on the floor and started kicking at me. This continued all the way back to the car. DH told DD off and put her in the car seat, and she was still crying.

My DH looked at me when I got into the car saw I was nearly crying and said “what’s up?” I said “what do you mean?”

He EXPLODED. He said “you’re always asking rhetorical questions, just say what’s up” and then “it’s always the tone you speak to me in”. I explained I was overwhelmed and stressed and it was no one’s fault. He said “you’re making out it’s my fault that DD had a tantrum”. I said let’s talk later (as DD was in the car). He then accused me of “blocking him out”. He tried to continue the argument at the house and again I walked away, DD walked into DH in the kitchen and I heard him say “yes I’m not arguing in front of you with HER, you don’t deserve that”

I’m so upset because firstly, I said not to discuss it in front of DD! He continued it! Also, I was doing him a favour getting DD out the car for his work call. It’s not DD fault she had a tantrum, she’s only little. But it WAS stressful. I just wanted him to ask if I was ok.

There’s so many more examples. If I say anything I’m using a “tone”, I get called “little miss innocent” and “well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

I’m sick of it. How do you even talk or communicate with someone who takes issue with how you speak? I honestly don’t think I’m using a tone at all! I just say what I think (eg. “Can you please let me know if you’re going to do school pick up today?”)

I’m at my wits end

Making the argument about your “tone” or how you have spoken to him is a very clever and childish way of avoiding having to listen and acknowledge what you are saying.

I couldn’t live like this 💐

How much parenting are you doing for your DHs child? Hate to be cynical but i so often see these asshole men finding a new partner to parent their child so they don't have to and his line 'that is just what a parent is' is a massive red flag.

I'd say "Well that's unfortunate, because that's the tone I'm using, and I don't think it needs to change. So either you get past it and focus on the words, or we leave this until another time"
Because he's playing with you, using tricks and techniques to make reasonable discussion impossible and you need to refuse to be manipulated.

ZenZazie nailed it at 2.42 above. He resents you for bailing him out, and, paradoxically, he also resents you for being unwell and therefore not perfect. So he takes you any opportunity to put you in your place, take you down a peg or two.

"I don't like your tone" and "Little Miss Innocent" are lines a mother (or nanny) from the 1960s would say to a child.

I’m afraid lots of men do not like women when they are ill as they are of no use to them. The statistics for women being left when they are seriously ill is depressing.

He is irritated and resentful of you, I’m so sorry he is treating you like this.

I’d say it’s reduced since I have been unwell and I’ve put my foot down about looking after he if he’s doing anything but work. There’s definitely an expectation that we should be doing parenting together, however, she is here 3 days a week. In my mind he should be doing parenting on those days, her mum does the other 4!

I’ve asked him to stop shouting when we argue but he says he “can’t help it”. Which is why I get so annoyed when he mentions the tone!

another favourite phrase is “look at you sitting there like a princess speaking to me like an idiot”

You need to stand up to him - you're not a parent. Make your mark now or this will only get worse. He sounds like a pig. He's trying to make you feel bad for being emotional - he doesn't need to ask the question so it's almost like he's humiliating you or belittling you. It's so disrespectful. Does he have any good points?

I think you need to decide if this is working for you. He disrespects you, doesn't seem to care much that you are having severe breathing difficulties, doesn't parent his daughter, but leaves it to you and he's bad with money and you have to carry the financial burden. What do you get out of this relationship?

This is getting worse with every post. He's a shit husband and father. He explodes at you and speaks to you like this in front of his 5-year old and surprise surprise the 5-year old is starting to follow his example. This is only going to get worse, OP.

Jeez. You need to get away from this, OP.

What are his good sides? Why are you with him?

Bloody hell - the more you speak about him the worse it gets. LTB

Got to agree with most other posters, OP

You aren't her parent, he should be parenting when she's having time with him. While he's working is debatable but she's his responsibility at all other times. Does she enjoy watching him play football in the cold and wet? I bet not.

He shouldn't be having her if he's not looking after her. Is this some sort of maintenance dodge? In which case, and I dislike the phrase, are you becoming a nanny with a fanny? And because you are unwell he's not getting fully value from you .....

My ex husband did similar. Everytime I said something he didn't like he'd say "don't raise your voice".

What they really mean is "shut the fuck up and don't you dare challenge me".

Goodness me. Is this a fairly recent marriage? It sounds like he resents you for not being fully fit and able to be default parent to his very young child. What’s in this relationship that meets your needs OP? Financially and in terms of your health and free time it sounds like you’d be far better off single again.

So he plays the victim, yuck.

I can almost guarantee that if you left this fucker, your overall health would improve!

You absolutely have a DH problem. You CAN tell your step-daughter off if needed, but it sounds like it's nice and convenient for him to do as he pleases whilst you do the hard graft of parenting his daughter (no wonder she's displaying challenging behaviour, she's probably trying to get attention from daddy!)

What a life to live.
Honestly, speaking for myself, fuck him and his daughter.
Bailing him out?
I know everyone's different, but to me this is shocking.
Get better soon, and my advice would be to divorce this bastard and live on your own.
In my opinion, you would be so much better off.

I can see some really shitty parenting here. The conflict between you both has a negative impact on the child. Why wouldn't any of you hold her hand in the shop and tell her off for even touching the packets? It's like you were waiting for a disaster to happen just to have a fight. Poor kid.

Well, he's right about something! He's an arse hole. Gross. 'Little Miss Innocent'?? Wtf.

Why are you with him? The man is a net negative based on what you've said. Does he bring you any happiness? Make your life easier at all? Support you when you need it? Take care of you when you're ill? Because it doesn't seem like it.

What's the point of him? You'd be better off with a pet rock.

Tell him that tone policing is considered Ad Hominem and has been used as a control tactic to silence marginalised voices for centuries. It’s well documented and a bad argument.

Tone policing is a tactic that shifts focus from a message's substance to the speaker's emotional delivery, dismissing concerns (especially from marginalized groups) by criticizing their "angry," "too emotional," or "aggressive" tone instead of addressing the actual issue, effectively silencing valid points through a focus on decorum, often rooted in sexism, racism, or classism. It's a logical fallacy, as emotion doesn't negate truth, and it prioritizes the listener's comfort over the speaker's experience.

Then stick your middle finger up at him because he’s doing it on purpose to hurt you. He clearly has contempt for you now… probably because he’s actually ashamed that you keep having to bail him out and it’s hurt his masculinity. So he’s repainting you as a bitch so he doesn’t have to feel ashamed or bad about himself.

OP, so much of what you've described rings bells with me from exh. This is emotional abuse, turning everything round on you (and yeah they hate it when you're ill, so God help you there).

Get away. Seriously. You'll be a shadow of yourself and regret it if you don't. Get counselling for yourself (NOT joint), read up on it, just start getting your head around it. This isn't ok and it won't improve. Oh, and don't try to explain yourself/reason with him/try to get him to understand where you're coming from. It doesn't work. You have to get to the point where you can accept that he will never agree with you that he's behaving unacceptably. Which is really difficult as with a normal person you can and should be able to get them to see your pov. Not here.

💐💐💐

Perhaps when he asked what’s up you could have just given an answer. it does sound like you aren’t entirely blameless. Also you are being ridiculously thinking you can’t parent correctly because you are a stepmum! you absolutely should do anything a mum would do.

He just witnessed what was up. If was a damned stupid question.