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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I just have to accept this

103 replies

Wafflecakes · 09/02/2026 07:46

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have a 2 year old together. He has 2 children with 2 other women and I have two children with my ex.

my ex and I only have contact to discuss children and childcare arrangements nothing more he is with someone else and I never want to cross any boundaries so keep conversations brief and child focused. My partners sons mum has zero boundaries and will call my partner more than I do. She messages multiple times every single day and will also call. When I have been with him I see how he tries to keep it very brief as she will go off talking about her life, weekends out etc. whenever she sends photos of her son she will include herself in the pictures. She turns up at family events uninvited. Anyway, she’s always seemed friendly enough even if abit overbearing and over the top but she doesn’t have any friends and a very small family so I do wonder if she just lonely.

it has started to cause issues with my partner and my relationship. If she sees my partner in the pub with friends she will go and sit with them and ask him to buy her a drink, she is calling more than ever, messaging all the time and now asking for lifts to places when he collects his son. How can he approach this without causing issues as I know he’s very reluctant to fall out with her and have a toxic relationship like he does with his other child’s mum?

I’ve actually told him I can’t stay in the relationship if this continues as his son is 6 and there will be many more years of this…
his friends and family have made comments to me about how it’s inappropriate and she’s crossing the line so this isn’t in my head

OP posts:
99pwithaflake · 09/02/2026 07:48

If he can’t grow a backbone without you forcing him to then I suspect he enjoys the attention.

I would run far far away.

MidWayThruJanuary · 09/02/2026 07:49

I’d cut your losses and run.
Does he pay maintenance to his exes?

parietal · 09/02/2026 07:51

Does he want to help her out or not? If the latter, he needs to rehearse a stock phrase like “can’t do that right now” every time she asks for a lift or a drink etc.

if the former, take a deeper look at the relationship.

Elizabeta · 09/02/2026 07:51

He’s got a string of broken relationships behind him, and there’s a reason for that.

Coffeeishot · 09/02/2026 07:51

I think he probably likes it, makes him feel "manly" and important, if he didn't put a stop to it 5 years ago why would he stop now?

No of course you don't have to accept it from him.

FaintingGoats · 09/02/2026 07:54

Yeah. Cut your losses and run. Don’t give any thought to the 2 year old who’s family you’ll be breaking up. So easy for people isn’t it.

This was surely an issue before you decided to procreate with him.

Original poster
Wafflecakes · 09/02/2026 07:54

He pays maintenance, has the children on his set days but also asks for extra time, we go on a family holiday every year. He keeps talking about us getting married and to be honest the idea is filling me with dread because I can’t deal with this woman in my life much longer

OP posts:
Holdinguphalfthesky · 09/02/2026 07:54

She is behaving as if he is her partner, and he isn’t preventing her. So either he likes it or he’s got no boundaries, but either way it’s nothing t a healthy situation. Does he say anything when you challenge him?

GreyCarpet · 09/02/2026 07:57

Well, he's either too weak/passive to put a stop to it or he enjoys it.

There is no other reason for this to be happening.

I'm inclined to say that this was happening throughout so you went into parenting with him with this dynamic already established. But you say its got worse? Either way, this is for him to put a stop too. It's just inappropriate and unnecessary.

Have you spoken to him.about it? And I mean properly - not just the occasional comment or disapproval.

Boundaryless men are incredibly unattractive. Especially as their inability to say no tends to only apply to other women and not the woman they're in a relationship with 🙄

Daleksatemyshed · 09/02/2026 07:57

There's a big difference between having a decent relationship with your Ex for the sake of the DC and what his Ex wants. I expect your DP is afraid to say anything incase she makes it harder to see his DC, but he needs to set some boundaries, calls about the children only.

GreyCarpet · 09/02/2026 07:58

Wafflecakes · 09/02/2026 07:54

He pays maintenance, has the children on his set days but also asks for extra time, we go on a family holiday every year. He keeps talking about us getting married and to be honest the idea is filling me with dread because I can’t deal with this woman in my life much longer

So tell him that.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2026 08:03

Stop putting the blame on the ex, as there is nothing you can do about that. It’s him who’s the problem isn’t it? His boundaries. His dismissal of your wants. On paper, this doesn’t sound like a good man anyway - has babies with no thought as if they’re toys.

FasterMichelin · 09/02/2026 08:07

That’s a lot of children and a lot of breakups between you.

Time to grow up. Why did you have a child with someone whose ex has no boundaries? Why did you have a child anyway when you both already have two?

Now you have one major stressor and you’re talking about ending it?

Wheres the commitment from either of you? This isn’t a game, it’s your children’s real lives. How many men are you going to go through, dragging your children along with you (and same to him!).

Sit down and work out a plan, support each other. Learn to work through issues and not run away each time, your children deserve some stability.

Fearlesssloth · 09/02/2026 08:07

Wafflecakes · 09/02/2026 07:54

He pays maintenance, has the children on his set days but also asks for extra time, we go on a family holiday every year. He keeps talking about us getting married and to be honest the idea is filling me with dread because I can’t deal with this woman in my life much longer

Don’t think these replies are very helpful to you so far OP. Classic Mumsnet LTB replies with zero consideration for the fact you’ve been together 5 years and have a child together 🙄 I’m not sure why this bothers you to the extend you’re considering leaving. It’s annoying yes but it’s not something I would leave someone over. Is this the only issue in your relationship? Do you trust him? Do you think he still has any kind of feeling for the ex? I would give him an ultimatum- stop answering the calls and messages and firmly tell her to stop showing up at family events etc or you leave. It could be that he just doesn’t know how to say no. He’ll soon learn how when he realises he may lose his partner over it

Eastie77Returns · 09/02/2026 08:17

You have 5 children between you. You started a relationship with him when one of his DC was just a year old. He is the kind of man who jumps from woman to woman, leaving young children in his wake so I’m not sure why you chose to have a baby with this prince.

You now want out because you can’t deal with the ex so when your relationship breaks down he will have 3 children with 3 ex’s. He will no doubt quickly move onto woman (and baby) no.4.

I have to lol at his talk of marriage. Yeah, that isn’t going to happen. He doesn’t strike as the marrying type.

Original poster
Wafflecakes · 09/02/2026 08:18

I was with my ex for ten years, engaged and two children. My only relationship prior to my partner who I have been with for 5 years. So I’m not “working my way” through multiple men.

my partner was with his first child’s mother for 5 years before having a brief relationship and an unplanned pregnancy with the ex in question. I say unplanned because she said she was on the contraceptive pill and has told me the same story. I believed her but now have my doubts.

im not blaming her, its all down to him, he needs to tell her to back off it’s very disrespectful to me. When I first got with him she was with a partner and was not this intense she would only contact to make child care arrangements, it’s only the last couple of years she’s been single it’s become like this

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 09/02/2026 08:20

So have you told him?

RawBloomers · 09/02/2026 08:22

His approach seems a perfectly reasonable response to unreasonable behaviour on her part. He's trying not to rock the boat. Why is it causing problems in your relationship? Is it taking up too much of his time giving her lifts places? Is she rude to or about you? Do you think he fancies her still or would be unfaithful to you?

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2026 08:25

RawBloomers · 09/02/2026 08:22

His approach seems a perfectly reasonable response to unreasonable behaviour on her part. He's trying not to rock the boat. Why is it causing problems in your relationship? Is it taking up too much of his time giving her lifts places? Is she rude to or about you? Do you think he fancies her still or would be unfaithful to you?

Edited

She phones him multiple times a day!

Putting up with that is not reasonable

99pwithaflake · 09/02/2026 08:26

Your partner clearly likes the attention or he’d have put a stop to it by now.

cocobanana922 · 09/02/2026 08:26

Unfortunately for you its better for their child if they are on good terms and have a good relationship. You sound jealous, but you should have thought harder about having a baby with a man who already has two other children by two different women.

99pwithaflake · 09/02/2026 08:26

RawBloomers · 09/02/2026 08:22

His approach seems a perfectly reasonable response to unreasonable behaviour on her part. He's trying not to rock the boat. Why is it causing problems in your relationship? Is it taking up too much of his time giving her lifts places? Is she rude to or about you? Do you think he fancies her still or would be unfaithful to you?

Edited

You think it’s acceptable for them to speak on the phone multiple times a day and for him to constantly give her lifts?

99pwithaflake · 09/02/2026 08:27

cocobanana922 · 09/02/2026 08:26

Unfortunately for you its better for their child if they are on good terms and have a good relationship. You sound jealous, but you should have thought harder about having a baby with a man who already has two other children by two different women.

She doesn’t sound remotely jealous - he needs to grow a backbone and his ex needs to find someone else to call multiple times a day.

PollyBell · 09/02/2026 08:28

cocobanana922 · 09/02/2026 08:26

Unfortunately for you its better for their child if they are on good terms and have a good relationship. You sound jealous, but you should have thought harder about having a baby with a man who already has two other children by two different women.

Exactly, he will be the same when he goes on to have more baby mummy's why so this to your children

RawBloomers · 09/02/2026 08:28

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2026 08:25

She phones him multiple times a day!

Putting up with that is not reasonable

Show quote history

I've said she isn't reasonable. But kicking off at the mother of your children can make it really difficult for you to maintain a good relationship with your children. And very difficult for the children who are often stuck in the middle. So a nod and smile approach is a reasonable response to that even though it can be intensely annoying to have your phone buzz you several times a day. the question is - why does it annoy OP?