My ds keep shaming me

[Sunshining20]

My 4 and 5 year old DS have taken to calling me the worst fattest mum in the world every time I don't give in to TV or snack demands. They also tell me to shut my mouth and hit me. But the calling me fat all the time is relentless.

They come from a loving home and me and my husband parent seemingly the same as our other parent friends. Giving boundaries, organising things like baking and days out and socialise.

Where have we gone wrong? How do we fix this? We have done time outs and explained this language and behaviour isn't acceptable.

It makes me very sad and resentful.

Some of these replies are sounding like child abuse. These are 4 and 5 year olds. This thread is disgusting.

That’s because it isn’t.

I find it astonishing that these children are being cruel to their mother. This is seriously alarming. And tremendously depressing. No wonder people are stopping procreating. I can’t conceive of where small children would learn such toxicity, and let it over ride their love for their mother. Something very very wrong there.

Glad to hear it, OP. I’m sure you’ll do well.

Do they ever call DH fat or fattest for not giving in to them?

This misogyny against mums and women is depressing.

These threads always bring out the thugs. Poor kids.

It’s not over-riding their love for their mother. They call the remote control ‘fat’ too. They’re just being little dicks. Kids do that.

This right here. Unless you sit next to your child while watching YouTube “kids” you have zero idea how appropriate the content is they are watching. YouTube stuck “kids” at the end and parents think it’s safe when it’s 100% not. Please stick with tv services you can monitor and actually are kid friendly. All the free channels have kids options now a days so no need at all to even subscribe to anything.

Sorry, children who come from kind loving homes, with boundaries do not behave like this. Young children occasionally misbehave but this appears to be a pattern of bad and bullying behaviour because there aren't appropriate consequences or they are copying behaviour.

I am going to ask MN to shut this thread down now. Some of the replies have been helpful but some astonishing (not in a good way). Final point I wish to add is that outside of the snack and TV requests (or demands if you wish) they are empathetic and tell me I'm the loveliest, kiss me on the cheeks and hug and say I'm the best mum and love me - even say when I grow up I want to marry someone as lovely as you. I just feel the snacks and the TV are triggers for them especially the youngest. A dopamine addiction I suppose that I need to get a handle on as they are disregulating for him. I have taken some good points from this but feel a bit more depressed then when I wrote this out.

You’re teaching them that you hit to get what you want.

It's unacceptable to make comments about people's appearance, they need to know this, and there need to be consequences every single time until they learn.

They aren’t being cruel. They are slowly exploring language and the power it can have.

I can well imagine my own DS doing something like this (he is five.) He wouldn’t do it completely solo but he and his wee pals would egg one another on. The other day I asked him if he’d had a nice day at school ‘yes smelly stinky poo pop’ was the response, I’m not even bothering getting faintly annoyed about it.

I would with ‘fat’ as that can obviously be extremely hurtful but it isn’t cruelty, it’s silliness. Massive difference .

Get rid of as much sugar and UPF from their diet as possible. Ban screens. DH needs to deal with the problem of how they speak to you.

They must have heard that language somewhere though, in order to repeat it? My similar aged child would say ‘Mum, your hair is really crazy today’ because he’s heard me say it myself.
When he was a toddler and hit out during a tantrum I told him it made my heart really sad and we have kind hands.
My sad face must have been pretty effective, because he hasn’t done it again in temper, although will scrap with his brothers.
There seems to be a lack of respect aimed at you, how does the Dad speak to you and what does he say when they do it?
My older ones can be pretty cheeky but would never call someone fat, they gently take the piss out of me for being short as both of the older ones are taller then me now and only 12, their Dad has spoken to them before about it because he thinks they shouldn’t tease me but it’s all in good nature and they would be mortified if I was upset about them saying it.
Ive never experienced any of mine saying something really unkind to anyone, even when small if they asked a question about someone being different, differences were explained but the warning was always included that we are not unkind to people who are different etc
It seems very odd that your children are tormenting you verbally, and both of you as parents are allowing it.

Yes, op, it sounds like hangryness!

I also think he maybe isn't understanding comments on person's appearance are insulting. After all, they are loaded with baggage that it takes years in our toxic, judgy society to understand.

Try not to let it get you down. MN was once a good place to come for advice about children’s behaviour but some very angry posters have taken it over. I am struggling with potty training at the moment and I wouldn’t bother asking here. Just try and focus on the sensible replies. You’re a lovely mum, I’m sure

Thank you 💐

They must have heard that language somewhere though, in order to repeat it?

It’s ‘fat’ not ‘fucking cunt.’

Of course they’ve heard it.

You yourself said the calling you fat is relentless, and they absolutely shouldn’t be hitting you., and ‘shut your mouth’ is an awful phrase for them to have picked up.
A 4 year old will be starting school soon if he hasn’t already and I can tell you now there is one child in my child’s class who thinks nothing of whacking his Mum when she picks him up and has brought a snack that isn’t to his liking, and the other parents are horrified.
It is not age appropriate behaviour at 4 to be hitting a parent.

When my now grown kids were about the same age they were jointly rude to their childminder.
They were left in no doubt that this was unacceptable. They had a stern talking to by me and dh. Went straight to bed, lights out and that was for a week. The following day they gave a sincere apology and knew that any further report would be followed by consequences.
I never had to hit my kids because consequences followed actions. And that was that.
You need to get a grip of them now. Any misbehaviour and the consequences follow immediately. I did have to turn back from a booked day out maybe twice in their childhoods for the same reason. It's gutting and not easy but pays dividends in the long run.

What am I reading, poor OP. Asking for advice and got........well not the discussion she was hoping for!
Kids say stuff that they dont realise is hurtful or understand the meaning, my 3 year old thinks everything is 'shocking' I asked her what she meant, she has no idea 🤣
I have an older DC and removing things they enjoy or reward chart works well!

And I’ll just add something else before I shut up

I and I bet every other teacher here will have had the following sort of interaction:

’James is a lovely student to have in lessons; he’s polite, helpful and respectful. He tries his best and he cooperates fully with instructions.’

parent - ‘umm, do you definitely mean James Smith?’

Obviously variables but for the most part the polite, helpful, kind students in school are unfailingly surly, grumpy, silly or even rude at home.

I don’t mean just tolerate poor behaviour but generally home is where the daft behaviour (in whatever form that takes) comes out. Apart from the ethics of smacking you don’t WANT to scare it out of them. They need to know how to communicate sensibly but FGS these kids are four and five years old!

Your boys will one day be bigger and stronger than you so it is essential the boundaries are put in place now. Enlist your husband, grit your teeth and come down like a ton of bricks - you're not doing them any favours by letting them get away with this appalling behaviour. Sorry to be harsh.

The TV would be gone and snacks would be fruit or veggies and dip. Every time they called you names, they'd lose something.

Kids their age can grasp the concept of mean. They're being mean and bullying you to get what they want. Consequences every time. They do not get what they want when they try that, they lose something right then and there.

We aren’t the ones “piling” on you @Sunshining20

It is your own very young children who are.