My ds keep shaming me

[Sunshining20]

My 4 and 5 year old DS have taken to calling me the worst fattest mum in the world every time I don't give in to TV or snack demands. They also tell me to shut my mouth and hit me. But the calling me fat all the time is relentless.

They come from a loving home and me and my husband parent seemingly the same as our other parent friends. Giving boundaries, organising things like baking and days out and socialise.

Where have we gone wrong? How do we fix this? We have done time outs and explained this language and behaviour isn't acceptable.

It makes me very sad and resentful.

Just stop kicking the OP now.

Next time they do ask them to clarify why are they stating the obvious over and over. They have mentioned you are fat before, you know you are fat. It’s not news. They are using the word fat as a derogatory term
But saying no to them having a snack or playing video games, both of which will make them fat, Why then are you the worse mummy for stopping them becoming what they think of as something awful.

Then I would be taking them out to get exercise and run around as part of getting them to use up their energy.
I always think children (especially boys) growing up need to run around at regular intervals during the day.

It’s like having a puppy. They need to work through their energy.
Personally I do think that dog training (ignore bad behaviour praise good behaviour) works just as well on children.

I would say that these words are said for attention and a reaction.

Punishing or reacting to the words they use is only solidifying in their mind that calling mummy the worse and fat = attention

If bad behaviour = no reaction
and good behaviour = praise and attention they soon learn what gets them what they want
On your part you have to be fully involved with them. So you notice the little things they do that are nice and praise them for it

Children are classed as toddlers up to 3 years old. So 4 and 5 is NOT that much past toddler age. It's certainly not an age where they should be hurling vile insults at their mother, and mocking her, and they certainly shouldn't be on bloody YouTube, or playing Pokemon at that age!

Not kicking.

what @Sunshining20 describes is horrific and not within the realms of normal naughtiness at this age.

I know she’s had a “stern word” with them and taken away Tv but surely - this would have occurred sooner and didn’t need mumsnet? Genuine question but what discipline has the children been given before today?

They get fat as an insult from Peppa Pig. It’s an insult used on Daddy Pig. Plus they’ll hear it in the playground and at nursery.

We had violence issues when DD was this age. I put the stair gate back on her room for time outs, and told her if she climbed over it I’d get a taller one. She was allowed out once she stopped lashing out (I didn’t wait for calm, I don’t like them crying alone) so we could talk, which was as concise as I could make it.

For both kids I regularly explain (again briefly!) that what they do regularly now will be habit when they’re older or around friends, then say how that will be bad for them. So a habit if insulting people means no one to play with at school. Hitting means they’ll likely get hit back. Public bad behaviour means not getting treats in cafes, or whatever their favourite things are. I tie everything back to how being nice is in their own best interests. Everything.

(she grew out of it very quickly, so there is hope!)

Take the good advice from the sensible posters and ignore the ones who are just here for the pile on.

You sound like a lovely mum. Best of luck!

Take things away for good. Treat them harshly. Tell them they are evil and horrible. Do whatever but you need to get them to understand - either they respect you, or they will be scared of you. If they are like this at 5, whatever they will be at 15???

My DS goes on bloody YouTube sometimes. He watches this

From that, he’s got so may ideas about play, especially outdoor play and construction. It’s completely harmless and arguably a lot better than some of the shite elsewhere.

No channel is inherently bad. Even the adored Bluey has some problematic parts.

What about standing in a corner with their face to the wall? I used that on GSs (only it was the corner of a field on a walk).

In other words. Abuse your children.

Unbelievable. Who wants their children to be scared of them?

Never ever has Daddy pig been called fat.

”big tummy” yes “big belly” yes.

but never “fat” @VikingLady

What? Is this the 50s?

Children will almost always become what you tell them they are.

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world

That didn’t format very well! But you get the idea!

What is that supposed to achieve?

One thing I find helpful with my 5 year old is to get her to repeat what lead up to the consequence.

So if for whatever reason I have had to remove toys or TV when dad gets home from work I say to her are you going to tell daddy why we didn't have TV after school and get her to tell him what happened rather than me. Her saying what happened in her own words out of the state of red mist seems to get it to sink in better as unacceptable.

If she asks for TV or toys back whilst banned I get her to tell me what happened for them to go away. She then connects the consequence to the action better this way. If a grandparent is doing any child care whilst she has a screen bad I get her to tell them why too as it stops them relenting and giving her some any way.

I would say keep going with consistent and emotion free consequences. It will work. Dont explain any more . Just ' we dont insult people's appearance in this house, the TV is going off and you can do x min in time out.' Make sure your kids know what will happen and stick to it. Dont change the rules. Try not to show that they've hit a raw nerve.

Don't go nuclear - that's not how you solve problems and that sets the precedent that going nuclear achieves the outcome you want - and in turn, this will be behaviour they mirror. Take away all television and snacks between meals until they earn the right to them. Lock the telly and all screens away, don't buy 'snack' food - if they want a snack, they can have a carrot - this is something you can always say yes to.
They need to understand that the behaviour isn't ok, but by behaving in the right way, they can get the things they want. Hard, hard boundary - for the next month, no screen time or sweet snacks and explain why - you have to mean this, or it will keep happening.
Read 'How to speak so really little kids will listen'.

You need to parent them instead of trying to please them all the time.
Parents set the boundaries - you are not doing that.
There needs to be consequences for insulting you.

I do this with my dog.
No treats unless he behaves.
Ditto for small children.

Yeah - and definitely don't do this...

My post or standing a child with their face to the wall?

Well, whatever OP done before clearly did not work. Is it better when its her who is abused?

Where have they learned this behaviour? Telling you to shut up and fat are unacceptable and you need to be very firm. No TV, no screen time at all, no treats, sweets, no visits to park or going to birthday parties. Every single day they are abusive they lose all privileges. Your DH needs to be on the same page. Tell them once they behave they get things back. Every single time they are abusive they lose all privileges. They need to learn to value Mummy.

They are little kids. Telling an adult to abuse her children? are you for real?