My ds keep shaming me

[Sunshining20]

My 4 and 5 year old DS have taken to calling me the worst fattest mum in the world every time I don't give in to TV or snack demands. They also tell me to shut my mouth and hit me. But the calling me fat all the time is relentless.

They come from a loving home and me and my husband parent seemingly the same as our other parent friends. Giving boundaries, organising things like baking and days out and socialise.

Where have we gone wrong? How do we fix this? We have done time outs and explained this language and behaviour isn't acceptable.

It makes me very sad and resentful.

It is kids YouTube which has parental controls

You will consider it!!

I am considering giving up wine.

Well we all know who runs the show in your house

You Tube, presumably. Crazy.

It's appalling that anyone thinks it's fine to physically assault children.

Natural consequences of this behaviour happening when screens are removed is to not return screens until the behaviour changes.

My nephew turned into an angry little boy when he had screen time and was asked to turn it off. As a consequence he was told he obviously wasn't grown up enough to have a screen time and so he couldn't use a tablet 'until he was a bit older'.

People talk very lightly about screen 'addiction' but I do genuinely think there is a dopamine hit to the reward centers with all these bright flashy shows and clips. Removing that will of course cause a reaction and if they can't handle it they can't handle the screens.

I've seen it a few times. Reducing screen time in general improves behaviour. If the bad behaviour is connected to screen time then they just aren't mature enough and it is worth considering removing them entirely.

After a detox period, if you must occupy them, swap out for longer form tv shows, films with an actual storyline. Older programmes that are slower and there's no shouting and fast cuts.

Its appalling to think a 4 year old speak to their mother like that and their mother takes it!

Have you talked to them about how it’s unkind to call people fat or any other name that’s designed to hurt ? That hitting is wrong and never acceptable. I’d also ban Mario & Pokemon for now, or anything on YouTube unless you have watched and censored it first.

Have you tried going absolutely fucking mental?

Gosh these threads are depressing.

Try the book 1,2,3 magic - it’s perfect to start at that age.

it explains what to do, how to do it and also explains the psychology of why the children do misbehave and why the method works.

saved my sanity for over 10 years, my dc are now in their 20s and laugh about how it worked on them

This sounds like it's about boundaries and connection https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/youre-not-the-boss-of-me

Thank you all for your input. I have a better idea how to go forward.

No one knows how stern or weak I am as you are not here with us but trust me I have let them know beyond doubt that this is unacceptable. A more longevity approach is now the aim with extended consequences.

I wish you all a good day

Never mind ‘non emotional’ -IMO they need a seriously stern talking-+to - with consequences for such behaviour made abundantly clear.

IMO ‘gentle parenting’ has a lot to answer for.

Don’t do this Op if you live in Scotland or Wales.
Or anywhere really but it’s allowed in both other parts of the UK.
Where are they learning this from?

No one knows how stern or weak I am as you are not here with us but trust me I have let them know beyond doubt that this is unacceptable

But yet they are carrying on?? so they know beyond doubt that they can carry on!

I woukd absolutely loose my shit at this age group thinking that they can talk to you like that. That woukd involve my voice being a lot higher and telling them this won’t be tolerated anymore. Anything nice would be taken away until they realised how to behave. You’re in control not them.

Seriously? Barely past toddlers?

four and five are reception and year one! A fair way past toddlers.

I think some other posters have raised some good points about other parents not wanting their children around yours if they hear or see this behaviour. As others have said, once they get known as those naughty kids, it’ll be impossible to shake off that label.
Sort it out now or your children will suffer social consequences.

Also agree with another poster about how screen time negatively impacts behaviour, especially short, bright, fast moving videos.

Nursery and reception age. They are pleasant, kind and popular at school. I am done with the pile on now. Thank you all appreciate the replies.

I think you are right op: it's about upping the consequences.

I think it really is that simple - though we all know "simple" isn't always simple when dc are involved!

Incidentally, some approaches suggest not getting into discussion about why you are angry, what impact their words had etc. I think the 1,2,3 Magic approach tries to circumvent those "post mortems."

But I do think with something like name-calling and insults, it is good to pick a time - calmly and after the storm has passed - to talk about why it is hurtful and not acceptable to insult people. I think the same when something is dangerous. The reason I say this is, yes, first step is to change the behaviour, but the longer term plan is to help them to judge and regulate their own behaviour, to decide for themselves what and how they should and shouldn't do things, and I think for that the reasoning is helpful. Most children aren't horrible deep down, they just let things get the better of them in the moment, but knowing how it is hurtful can help, rather than just thinking "that's the thing that gets a reaction so she knows I'm mad."

So would l

Despite parental controls Kid's YouTube is not safe. I don't allow my 10yo granddaughter to watch it without me in the room, and then for a set amount of time. If you sit next to them and watch with them you may be surprised at what they're watching.

Unless you have youtube set to the setting where you only whitelist channels, it lets SO much questionable crap through all the filters. Game type channels can be especially bad, because there is a lot of "banter" and "Gamer culture" which is about putting others down and slagging each other off and insulting the "loser" - it's really toxic. When we had youtube I was constantly having to go through the app on the TV every few weeks and ban entire channels and it got so annoying I ended up just deleting the app entirely and blocking it. The algorithms are relentless.

If you didn't know, don't worry. Not everyone does know. But I would seriously consider stopping access to youtube and only allowing catch-up type apps like i-Player, live TV and/or paid services like Netflix. You can find Mario and Sonic cartoons on Prime Video.

Some of the replies that you have received are horrible. "Tearing them a new one" is a disgusting phrase which refers to beating a child so badly that the skin breaks on their buttocks (literally, making a hole in their arse/tearing a new arsehole). I know that nobody literally means it like that, they probably mean a smack, which is illegal in many parts of the UK, BTW - but it's still an awful phrase and I would not take advice from anybody using it, hyperbole or not.

Yeah, I'm sorry but for that level of bad behaviour I wouldn't be threatening no TV today. I'd take the telly off the fucking wall and lock it in a cupboard and make sure they see me doing it. (Obviously once they're in bed I'd be putting it back for us to use and then replacing back in the cupboard when we go to bed!) As far as the kids are concerned it would be there for at least a week. Even a fucking hint of further bad behaviour and it would be there longer.