To not let the Grandparents look after the kids

[GlitteryRainbow]

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

Absolutely NOT!!!

You are absolutely correct. It’s concerning that he would willingly put his children as such risk of harm. You need to put your foot down and tell him that safeguarding your children is paramount.

A couple of questions.

1. Why was he legally required to move out (might have bearing on his judgement).

2. Have you been to court about custody?

It's not about what your DH wants, it is what is in the best interests of the kids, and putting the children into the situation you described is not in their best interests.

What other options are there?

Of course they shouldn't look after children. How 'young' is the 15 year old? Should you be addressing that? They should be able to deal with an overnight with their 12 year old sibling at that age.

Sounds like ex hasn't even considered the needs of PIL and is just being an arse. Id hardly think that FIL is rejoicing at the prospect of having the kids on top of all other responsibility.

1. It was part of the divorce settlement. I brought him out of the house, he moves out.
2. The divorce settlement including what happens with the kids was looked at by the court. We didn’t go to court specifically about custody.

I’d have to have them when he goes away. Which I’ve said I’d rather have happen.

I have suggested it wouldn’t be fair on FIL. Ex says that he hasn’t said that it’s a problem. I’ve said I doubt that he would.

The 15 year old has some issues so there are a lot of things that he can’t do for himself. The two of them fight a lot physically, so I wouldn’t want to leave them on their own together. He certainly couldn’t cook a meal. I wouldn’t leave them on their own for a week.

How should we address his age being younger than it is?

Apart from anything else, your DH obviously doesn't give a shit about his parents. His poor father, elderly with medical conditions and a carer to someone with advanced dementia. Yeah, let's pile on the responsibility! He sounds like an absolute fucking dickhead.

Hence why we’re divorced. He only ever thinks of himself. I could give many other examples of this happening.

I don’t get on with the in-laws but in this case I don’t think it’s fair to put the extra burden on his father. He says his parents love spending time with the kids. I think there’s a difference between spending time with them and looking after them for a week.

You have a lot on I get that, but at 15, presuming no SEND needs? I’d expect more maturity, more life skills, more independence.
I can’t imagine a 15 year old unable to cook a meal, for example. Are these things you can work on? If not, why? It’s not typical for that age, have their needs been assessed? Do they have support in place?

You're not unreasonable for not wanting them cared for by the grandparents, not at all! Also if they are as dependent at that age as you say, it would be unfair on FIL, who isn’t coping as it is.

If your 15 and 12 year old need a lot of looking after and supervision, It doesn't sound fair on ex fil. He has enough on his plate.

It would be a hard no from me. Your children need a responsible adult looking after them and it would be too much to expect FIL to care for MIL and two children for a week at a time.

Tell exH that either he is there to take care of his kids or they stay with you. If he objects, tell him to take it to court. No judge is going to take his side in this case.

Is he insane?? They absolutely cannot look after the kids

Change the locks when he is away and when he turns up he will find all his crap on the doorstep! If he kicks off cal the police and show them the court documents and that he NO LONGER OWNS THE HOUSE OR LIVES THERE!!!

At 12 and 15 presumably no Sen needs I don't really see a issue but I seem to be in the minority I'm assuming they don't need looking after just supervision ,,at these ages they should be able to meet there care needs as in hygiene and food etc with grandad their as a responsible adult and guidance .
I assume if anything happened to grandad they would be able to summon assistamce from yourself ?
I have a high needs 6 yr old who often gets in to dangerous situations without constant supervisiony young teens are able to take care of themselves and even occasionally cook aeal for their 11 yr old sibling if I'm dealing with a situation.

It would be a no from me.

Dementia can be so unpredictable, I used to really worry staying at my Mums as she wouldn’t remember anyone was staying so potential to accidentally bludgeon me at night.

Our poor neighbour regularly beat her husband with various implements terrified he was an intruder as she didn’t recognise him.

Can you balance it out between you across a year, so if you have them a couple of extra weeks while he's away, he can have them a couple of extra weeks when he is here?

You need to be a bit more specific about their additional needs or delays because I'd expect a 12- and 15-year old to be able to look after themselves in an emergency and be pretty able to manage with minimal supervision generally.

Also they would both ordinarily be given a choice in custody arrangements so what has happened regarding that, do they want to go?

Whilst I understand your concerns, the only way to deal with you and your Ex’s difference of opinion is to go to Court. Stopping the Dc from seeing their father is a big no-no. I don’t understand why they would be with their grandparents for weeks on end though? What will the child arrangements be once he moves out?

Although it is my understanding that it is up to each parent who else their children spend time with when they are with them and that might extend to someone else babysitting for an evening or when something unavoidable occurs for a short time during the children's time with them: But surely that doesn't include farming them out for days when that parent isn't even in the same country as the children and the other parent could be looking after them. That seems to be more about ensuring that the parent doesn't spend time with their children other than during their allotted time rather than enjoying shared custody.

I think I would keep my children home when my husband was abroad and leave it up to him to go back court for it to be decided there whether his parents are capable of fulltime childcare while he is out of the country.

15 year old does have SEND. He’s been assessed and has measures in place at school for it. We do encourage him to do things. He can heat himself a microwave meal for example but would struggle to make a sandwich.

He never cares about anyone else. It’s always about him. His job and money come before everything else. He can’t see a problem with it. He says his father would have said if it was a problem. His Dad doesn’t want to admit how difficult he is finding it with his wife. I’m really worried something bad will happen there and I don’t want it to be when they are looking after my kids.