To not let the Grandparents look after the kids

[GlitteryRainbow]

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

I dont really understand the dynamic... if its his week with them - but hes not around - surely you have them at home like normal. Then when hes back he can see them if it suits.

I dont think you should rigidly stick to a schedule of "its his week" if hes not even bloody there? If the kids tell you their father has dumped them at their grandparents because hes left for the week - turn up and get them and bring them home! Apologise to EXFIL but say "my custody agreement (even though its not formal) is not between me and you. Its between me and their father - who is not even in the country!"

Aside from it being a huge safety concern leaving them with the grandparents and is a huge no from me, I don’t think I could leave them either .
Lots of people saying 15 and 12 is old enough. It completely depends on the individual children. My two are just turned 15 and 11. They just aren’t mature enough to be left alone . Eldest has mild SEN and we now have a concern about our 11 year as he has huge anger outbursts and is demonstrating ADHD symptoms.

It absolutely does depend on the individual child- age is irrelevant.

Any custody arrangements are with the father and not the grandparents.

They have no legal rights and it is his responsibility to care for them not his parents.

If he's away who is going to facilitate the kids getting to and from their grandparents?

That makes it easy. Make sure all requests/ arrangements are in writing and say hard no.

You need to be much firmer with him and don't give the children a choice. He is not around, so the children stay at home with you.

He will not be here. He can take tge children to see his children today or when he gets back. He is worried about being liable for a small amount of maintenance is he? Utterly pathetic.

It sounds like you know in advance when he's going to be away, so they stay with you in that case. It may mean you then need to flex the arrangements on who they are with when, but if you're both still in the same house and have been for 7 years (!) then you're well aware when he's away and the children don't need to go anywhere at all .

I remember having this discussion with my brother about our children, his then 2 & 4 and mine 3 Mum was 80 and - well not that bad but not that physically active

The decision was that if it ever happened which it didnt she could have them overnight on her own BUT she was not to bath them as that had a major disaster potential

In practice when my brothers kids stayed over I was there

@Lightuptheroom I do at the moment because we live in the same house. If he’s away it’s me looking after the kids. I need to know in advance to rearrange my plans and make sure I’m around. Once he’s in his own place he’ll tell his parents not me.

Obviously the children won’t be going to the grandparents, they have school. The grandparents will stay with the kids in their Dad’s house. Make sure they eat, do homework go to bed, get up, go to school on time. Take them to their hobbies during the week.

Exactly. I think only parents can decide whether it’s safe to leave their kids on their own. I would leave mine for a couple of hours but definitely not overnight. My daughter knows which neighbours to go to if there’s a problem.

I won’t know that he’s not around though. He’s not going to tell me is he?

They won’t go to their Grandparents it’s too far for school. There Grandparents will stay with them.

What their family wants it always gets so there’s no point in trying to fight it.

Yes she is. She’ll say that her leg hurts or something else hurts. Yes, I regularly tell him the violence is not acceptable. He doesn’t listen to me.

Yes, she is actually accident prone. I saw her fall downstairs, she often trips over things and falls over. It’s not a cover, she is hypermobile and this often leads to clumsiness.

But the kids can tell you this surely?

I also don't like for MIL that she will have to live in a different environment for random week's here or there...surely that will just confuse her even more if she has dementia.

I think ex Husband just needs to accept that if he's away he misses a week and they stay with you. If he doesn't agree, go to court.

You are still facilitating it. That means being away when you know it's his week.

You are going to have to get a lot stricter.

Much better to go through court. Sounds like you just don't want to say no at this point and you are going to have to be a lot harder than that.

Unfortunately their father does decide everything he always has. My daughter would call but if the Grandparents won’t let me in the house, there’s not much I can do.

And this is why you go to court instead of being passive.

He doesn’t pay maintenance so it doesn’t make any difference if he “has them less”
if I am right in thinking that you both live in the family home full time then there is no reason whatsoever (apart from your ex being as awkward as he can) why the children can’t just stay with you when he leaves on his trip - if the children want to see the grandparents tell them you’ll take them to visit
no 15 year old even without additional needs would be able to manage someone with dementia
I doubt the ex will acknowledge his parents’ difficulties as it would mean he would have to do something about them

This has disaster written all over it

Who the f are the 7% who've voted YABU!!!! 🤔🙄🤔 Do they not understand dementia? No YANBU

The arrangement is his joint custody of the kids. I'm pretty sure that if you are out of the country you can't just delegate to elderly people . Can you bring yourself to sit down together and work out a six monthly plan . ? A 15 year old is too young to be a sole caretaker if another child .

@RedToothBrush I agree with this strongly. Every suggestion you have had you have been quite passive. There is NO WAY my children (who you have painted as quite incapable of either making decisions or following them) would be going to their dads if he was away. Are you saying neither of them have phones? Not able to give you any clue of what’s going on?
You need to sort this asap whilst he is still there!

If you've bought him out he should have enough money to buy somewhere the kids can stay. I don't think it's fair or reasonable for him to expect an old man who's struggling anyway to be responsible for the DC.

Are the grandparents staying in your housein this scenario? Do you leave the house when it your husband's time with them? If so, they can't refuse you access.

Im not understanding why you can't prevent and why you wouldn't know.

I can never go away when it’s his week with the kids? That will go down well with my work when I can never go away.

You can ask the family court to make a Prohibited Steps Order to stop him leaving the children with his parents. it can be heard urgently.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

I also don’t think it’s fair on MIL. Ex-H won’t care about that.

He won’t want to go to court as that costs money.

Ex-H will convince them I’m a bad mother and I’ll never see them again.