To not let the Grandparents look after the kids

[GlitteryRainbow]

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

I have a proper financial settlement approved by the court. He doesn’t have to pay maintenance because what I earn is enough to pay for me and the children.

I will speak to the solicitor again about his parents not looking after the kids.

@GlitteryRainbow I know some ex husbands can be a pain but come on! You are divorced and yet are still kowtowing to him.
Something so big as your children’s safety should be something that motivates you to fight back. Otherwise why get divorced? You obviously have a big job so why not nail all this down? You know that working does not equal a bad parent unless you have taken a backward step and he has done the parenting. I take it you are au fait with your son’s sen needs?
Why is it ‘best to go along with’ unless he is a Mafia don? Now is absolutely the time to challenge the narrative.

You have got this but you need a little bit of self belief but you are doing the right thing. Turn this bullshit round!

@GlitteryRainbow that’s also not how maintenance works. It’s linked to the amount he looks after them. Which, from what you have said, he won’t be. The responsibility is not all yours.

He’s supposed to have them 50% of the time.

That will make it even harder for the grandparents as change is often difficult and unsettling for people with dementia. MiL likely won’t settle as it won’t be familiar and FiL will be run ragged keeping an eye on her and the children. It sounds disastrous. ExH needs an actual plan not a wing and a prayer.

I thought you said you bought him out?
surely if you paid him the money it would be a done deal? You don’t need to wait for his solicitor to tell you anything if your solicitor has sorted the paperwork and your ex has signed it and youve paid him? That’s it!

@GlitteryRainbow but he doesn’t and isn’t equipt. Also I would argue, in court, that with your children’s issue they are better with a present parent. And you may also have to knock the trips on the head (with the fighting, high need etc)

Did you even read the opening post?!?!?

NSPCC recommend an under 16 isn’t left overnight without adult supervision. Let alone looking after a 12 year old sibling

@IstillloveKingThistleExactly! Couldn’t agree more. Kids all mature at vastly different rates.
Also, I too still love King Thistle. I miss Ben & Holly! Nanny Plum was the funniest

It's obvious that children younger than 11 shouldn't be in the care of these frail elderly people. It's less obvious for a 12&15yo who need minimal care and are old enough that they won't be forced into any contact arrangement they aren't happy with. The court can order that you do nothing to prevent them from staying with their dad on xyz days but the court cannot compell them to actually go if their dad won't be there and they will find it difficult to stay with grandparents who are in such poor health. So how do they actually feel about this? You mustn't put them in a position where they feel they are choosing sides but you can empower them to say no to anything they find upsetting - but also don't over-inflate the issue if they are fine with it.

The other potential strategy you have is reporting your safeguarding concerns to Social.Services that your Ex is putting both the vulnerable elderly people and the vulnerable teenagers into some risky situations, and ask for their support to return the teens to your home where they will be safe if he goes overseas without making proper arrangements.

Watching my IL with my DC made me realise that they never brought their own kids up. They always had live in help and boarding school.

The longest I left mine with them was an hour and it was a dangerous disaster.

If your DH leaves the kids with them, I'd ring the emergency First Response Safeguarding Team in your area and explain... Or get part of the Custody Agreement to say he cannot leave your children with them.

Legally speaking as their parent you would be able to collect them from their GPs if your ex was out of the country. The GPs would not be able to prevent this.

It might be time to see a solicitor who will set out to your ex that what he is proposing is not ok and why.

Agree with this, the simplest solution is to stay reasonable and semi flexible, if he knows in advance when he’s away then plan around this. If you’ve been separated 7 years then you are well over the most difficult years when your kids were little. They may still be maturing slowly but they will get there

Do you think you should have lead with ‘the 15 yr old has sen’

No, the Grandparents issues are bigger than the 15yo.

There is no question - the children should not be staying with their grandparents, who are not capable of caring for them. Also, your children should not be put in the position of dealing with their GM with dementia and their frail GF. What could possibly go wrong?

Your exDH is being awkward and thoughtless to suggest such an arrangement. It’s a ridiculous idea. If your ex is not there to care for his children they should remain at home with you.

If ex has to go away for work sometimes and you do too, who (if not grandparents - who do sound completely unsuitable) would look after the kids if you both needed to be away?

How have you managed it until now?
Is there usually enough notice given for one parent to be around?

That’s easy. Away with work Top Trumps. Ex always wins he has a big important job and he is the man. That’s how everything to do with the kids has always worked when they are sick, GP appts, hospital appt, when they get sent home from school. The only occasions when he has done it are when DS was in hospital. He had to collect DD during the pandemic when I took DS to A&E and one time when I was away with work.

10 years ago it wasn’t a problem MIL didn’t have dementia and FILs health was much better. They looked after DS whilst I had DD.

We’ve never had to be away at the same time. My trips away are very infrequent and sometimes optional like attending a course or conference.

I think it would really help you to source a reliable paid sitter, who could do occasional sitting for you, who has some understanding of their particular needs that the children could get used to... so that you have a back up.

I’ve contacted my solicitor and explained the situation. Including both Grandparents declining health and the ex’s threats of I bring it up. It’s watch this space I guess. Maybe life will get easier one day. Thank you to everyone for helpful comments and support.