To not let the Grandparents look after the kids

[GlitteryRainbow]

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

I don't think its fair to make your children young carers particularly at a time when they are coping with a divorce.

If necessary, I would speak to their school about your concerns

Talk to a family lawyer - the chances of your ex being able to persuade a Court the kids should live with him and not see you are very small. He might threaten that. But find out the actual risk and processes involved.

Hypermobility in the 12 year old - worth looking at some physiotherapy from somebody experienced in hypermobility to see if there's muscles she can strengthen to support the lax ligaments. Also possibly worth exploring the diagnosis - I'd be wondering if it's elhers danlos syndrome rather than 'just' hypermobility.

I suspect this isn't going to work out because your ex MIL will struggle in any house that isn't her own.

Christ. They have enough on their plate without having to worry about teens! Why would your ex even think that’s a good idea?!

You get a court order so your arse is covered and he can't just dump them on his parents. ATM you are way too passive and just letting him dictate even if that puts your kids at risk.

Until you know your kids aren't at risk, no you don't go away.

Of course they shouldn’t look after the kids.
People with dementia aren’t ‘stupid’ though

Let me put it another way. Which is more crucial and important; your kids being safe and not put into a position they can't cope with or you getting away without the kids? Either kids are at risk with the grandparents without another adult or they aren't? Which is it?

The fact you seem to be saying you think getting away without the kids is the more important of the two doesn't reflect well.

He can't have his mother with dementia confused even more by moving her into his house whenever it suits him!
If I knew this was happening to my kids, I would be speaking to social services.

This is all sounding a bit strange now…
You are in a fairly high powered job where you are required to go away?
everything your ex husband says goes? Even post divorce?
You are worried about a hypothetical situation but won’t get legal advice?
Both children are incapable of even phoning you?
You are now saying he will say your a bad mother and the children he doesn’t even look after as he is away all the time will be taken away from you even though they are 15 and 11 and in-laws are dementia ridden/ seriously unwell?
Surely the schools you must deal with regularly as they are SEN and have allowances would back up your situation?

He doesn’t have to live there, or even have any rights to entre the property.
As you have bought him out and now own the house, surely you're entitled to change the locks.

Did I say people with dementia are stupid?

That’s not what I said but it’s a tough decision if it means losing my job again. If I don’t have a job I can’t afford to look after the children anyway and they’ll be left with the grandparents even more.

I don’t own the house, I haven’t brought him out. My solicitor withheld the money as he didn’t plan to move out. So I can’t change the locks.

You’ve never been in an abuse relationship have you?

You do need to go to court, because "First refusal" to the other parents is perfectly normal. A lot of court orders include this and would not be seen as outrageous.

You are being way too passive about this. You are not alienating them, you are simply asking that you have first refusal on caring for them when he has a work trip.

No the grandparents can’t look after young children however they are not young, they are of an age they can be helping out, I was staying with my grandmother at 15 looking after her! Unfortunately this reads like an exw who wants to exercise control, unless there’s sn you need to step back on this

My sympathies OP. Just because our children get older it doesn’t mean they don’t need us to support them day to day. Between my 2 older ones they have ND, anxiety, depression and a chronic pain condition. They needed to have someone on their case getting shit done and also patience and empathy. All at the same time. The balance is hard. And probably basically impossible for someone like
your exFIL who lacks both patience and empathy, on top of being a full time carer.

I would definitely be digging my heels in on this.

Yes, I’m in a fairly high powered job which requires me to go away.
It’s best to go along with what the Ex-H says for a quiet life after 27years I’m well aware of this.
I have sought legal advice for the hypothetical situation. I thought it was written into the divorce agreement that whilst the in-laws could visit they couldn’t look after the kids.
I didn’t say the children were incapable of phoning me. In fact my daughter knows that she can phone anytime there is a problem and if she can’t get hold of me she can phone my sister.
When you get told something repeatedly for 15 years you tend to believe it. Ex-H and his parents think I’m the world’s worst mother because I work.
Both kids are in secondary. Ex-H deals with SENCO for 15 year old son. I am in touch with school for 12yo daughter. She’s only been there a term and a half. The primary school might do though they know me much better.

Thank you for your understanding and empathy. Sorry it’s tough for you too.

OP your latest posts are so defeated and youre not taking any suggestions on board. What exactly do you want from the thread?

You need a court order to say that the children will stay with you when he’s not available. That is not on.

This! 😀

The problem is that unless you are prepared to go back to court, you simply have to accept it and wait for the inevitable. But make sure that you put in writing that you dont agree to his plan and why, and that you would prefer to provide that care yourself. Then when it goes wrong, you have proof that you objected.

I am afraid that these are your options, court or put up with it. Personally I would go to court and yes I have escaped abuse.

And this is why you need a court order.

You need a proper financial settlement and to look properly at maintenance. If he can't provide care because he is away, he pays maintenance if you have them more than 50% of the time.

He can not just give them to his parents because that suits him.

If you were in an abusive relationship thats all the more reason to get a court order to lay out your obligations and his obligations and what he can and can't do. This allows you to allocate time for those work trips.

What he can't do is take the kids off you. Courts don't like this. They will want 50-50 as a starting point.

You really need to stop being passive and find fire in your belly to protect your children otherwise you are complicit and responsible for any harm that comes to them too.

Sorry but you may have been in an abusive relationship. It's not an excuse now for just giving up though. Stop making excuses for why you can't do x, y or z. Most of its bullshit and is more down to the fact that you don't want to face up to the responsibility you have to your kids here.

I don't think the 15 yo being able to make a meal is relevant tbh. As a pp mentioned, violence is a risk of dementia. And just in general, people with dementia are, very sadly, very hard to live with, they are often aggressive and volatile, incontinent, up through the night. The boys would most likely be doing everything for themselves while also living in a very unsuitable environment. They're more likely to be asked to help care than receive care. Adults talk abut how heavy the strain of living with someone with dementia is, I don't think that's fair on kids when they could be with their mum.

I think you can get a prohibited steps order for something specific like this. Literally exH is prohibited from leaving children unsupervised for any length of time with exMIL and exFIL.

Absolutely no way I would let this happen.
My ex mil had alzeimhers tried to strangle my son with a scarf because he wouldn't take it off..
It's far too much responsibility for their ages put your foot down or tell them to stay home with you .
Your ex is being an idiot if he thinks it's a safe situation .