To not let the Grandparents look after the kids

[GlitteryRainbow]

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

In theory. Whether he would actually do it is another matter though.

He still owns half the house. My solicitor never heard back from his about the transfer.

15 year old has SEND. 12 year old is very accident prone - fell down the stairs yesterday and also has a tendency to do stupid things. Often this just results in them breaking and other times in injury to herself.

My biggest problem is that they physically fight a lot. Yesterday 15 year old had his sister in a headlock. They wind each other up and the younger one usually ends up getting hurt. I worry they might seriously injure themselves unsupervised.

One of my concerns is that she wanders off and gets into an accident and FIL has to deal with it. I get told she doesn’t wander off. I always think, yet. There was a brief incident at Christmas when she got into a lift, and FIL pushed through several people to get in the lift, clearly terrified that the lift would go with no-one she knew in it. I’ve suggested various forms of ID to him in case she wanders off. She doesn’t believe she has dementia so he won’t make her wear anything. He says he can just track her phone.

We didn’t go to court so they weren’t give any choice.

Their Dad has a lot of business trips for a week at a time. His solution for childcare is his parents. I’m not trying to stop them seeing their father or their grandparents. My only concern is the grandparents looking after them for a week at a time as I don’t think it’s fair on their Grandfather.

This sounds wholly unsafe and there’s no way I’d let your children go there.
poor ex-FIL is working hard enough already

Have you got child maintenance sorted btw? Is him selfishly deciding his parents can look after them a way for him to pay less maintenance to you for the kids?

You’re not wrong though- I think even if there weren’t concerns about the maturity of your kids, your ex in-laws have enough to be going on with without the added responsibility of having to think about even the basics of taking care of 2 kids. I’m not massively close to my parents but I can’t imagine treating either of them in such a thoughtless selfish way.

Is 12 dd nd too? What injuries is she getting from her older brother assaulting her?

are you witnessing her “accident prone injuries” and “falling down the stairs “?

is he told this violence is not acceptable?

No child maintenance.

If they just needed an adult in the house it would be fine. Getting them up and ready for school in the morning is a nightmare. 12yo is not a morning person so needs persuading to get up. She has chronic anxiety so needs to be reassured about school and any issues. Then at the other end of the day it’s making sure they do their homework. 15yo will lie about having done it and start at 10pm. Then getting them to go to bed and to sleep is a negotiation and making sure they haven’t sneaked onto tech. It’s all very stressful and FIL isn’t good with people. I remember him shouting at his daughter who had PND just to pull herself together. He has no empathy.

Well since they are both over 12 they just come home to you? Unfortunately for their dad he doesn't decide what they do. Can you trust the kids to call you? Let you know what is happening and you collect?

Stick to your guns. If he's away from home during his time. They stay with you.
PILs cannot offer the same level of care as you and they have exams etc and need support. End of.

Absolutely no way. And if social services or their schools heard of that care arrangement when there is very clearly another option I’d be amazed if they thought that was okay.

What would the children say if they were asked?

They can if I’m around but I might not be if it’s my week without them.

Also they may have already been subjected to some trauma if something has happened to either Grandparent.

I think the children would be conflicted because they love their Grandparents and want to see them. The 12yo in particular always has problems with them when they come to stay. They won’t want to upset their father.

It’s an absolutely nuts idea. Your poor ex-FIL, as if he doesn’t have enough on his plate.

Can you talk to exFIL? Appeal to him and give your reasons why you are concerned. I don't know how close you are to them - but maybe this is an option?

When is he moving out? Is this theoretical at the moment?

Once his new build house is ready in a few months. It is theoretical at the moment but it’s come up because he’s off on a trip tomorrow. In that time who knows how much the grandparents health will have deteriorated.

At 15 I went to help look after my grandparents in school holiday- both had dementia.

I think you should have led with the SEN as a 12 and 15yo I'd expect to have been more useful tot he grandparents than needing so much actual parenting.

What would your plan be? Is there anyone you'd rather they stay with?

Can’t he move into rented - or if you’ve bought him out he could pay you rent.
Id worry about it nearer the time. Surely you could just collect the kids if needed?

It’s a good idea but unfortunately not. He’ll say that it’s fine.

My daughter is nearly 16 and mature. No way would I leave her overnight looking after my nearly 13 year old, I wouldn’t even consider it-even in an emergency!

Yes, he could have moved into rented 7 years ago when we separated. Money is the most important thing to him so he didn’t/doesn’t want to waste money on rent.

I’m only thinking about this now because he is on one of his trips tomorrow so we discussed it and argued about so I was interested in other people’s opinions. If everyone thought I was being unreasonable then I’d have rethought about it.

If I’ve not gone away then of course I could collect them. I’m just worried about any trauma they’ve suffered in the meantime.

Well if the house is now legally yours start charging him rent. I can’t believe he’s there!
Where would you be going?