To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

[JoanJettsBlackheads]

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Yanbu.
I would have snapped long before and given the 5 x delta i assumed your were c suite or a level below maybe (as you in fact are!)

He geniunely needs therapy...
He reads as having crippling low self worth and a very fragile ego.

However his coping mechanism of abusing and belittling you isnt the way to go.

I dont really know where you go from here as this is a pretty big crack.... and rather than be conciliatory he seems to be doubling down likely as he "feels you humiliated him" . Except he humiliated himself by being a permanent twat over a sustained period and viewing you with jealousy instead of celebrating your achievements....

My dh has always been my biggest cheerleader wven when I was making 2 x his salary and we are both high earners. That's really how it should be

Well done to your FIL, because he's acknowledged that you are more than your husband gives you credit and for standing up for yourself.

Well done to you, for standing up for yourself, and showing your husband up for the twat he is.

The fact your husband feels the need to belittle you and make you out to be some kind of ditzy, airhead, who without him would fall apart is outrageous.

This is solely on your husband. He should be bloody proud of the fact you're doing well in your career and earning well. If he's upset because you earn more, then he has a choices - sucks it up graciously or finds a better paying job. What isn't acceptable is the way he's treating you, like something out the ark.

My ex husband was like this.
Resented me earning more than him, l had a management job, and also worked shifts (police).
One day he threw "Our lives revolve around your fucking shifts!" at me.
I retaliated with "That'll be the shifts that mean we have a detached house and a new car each, will it?"

The thing was, he was very intelligent. Certainly more than me, and l'm not stupid. But he was lazy and his timekeeping was atrocious.
There was always going to be a better job one day, ignoring the fact that he'd actually have to bother to find and apply for one, it wasn't going to knock on the door and announce "Here l am! Your dream job and l pay a fortune!"

His dad was the same. He'd rather struggle (well.... my mother in law struggled) on benefits, rather than get off his arse and go and earn some money. He never worked in all the time l knew them.

Well done you, OP for standing up to him. If he's so pathetic that he has to demean you to make himself feel better, he's about as far from an alpha male as it's possible to get.
And well done to his dad for respecting you! There's a lesson for his son.

Well done for standing up to the patronising twat. Keep doing it. He got the bollocking that was long overdue. Let him sulk and stew now and definitely do not apologise.

Your FIL rocks too.

Have you got kids with this prince?
As if not, he seems like a fucking twat that you’re
wasting your time with.

Never apologise for what was said. He has is coming many times over.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to give you a standing, sky punching, roaring cheer OP. Good for you.

Fck him! What an arsehole! 🙂

Bloody hell he actually called you thick! That is beyond recovering from.
Honestly thats disgusting. Whatever you decide to make sure you put yourself first.

Fuck me! He's a sad pathetic loser. I am cheering you on, @JoanJettsBlackheads, from Wales! You're a superstar ✨️

Good for you , your H was being very patronising. My X did and said things like this , it eroded my confidence , I didn't stand up for myself like you have . I eventually stopped wanting to socialise because he would embarras me and put me down . Hope this has taught your H never to do it again !

OP my jaw actually dropped reading this. What a spiteful, jealous, petty, silly, immature little arsehole. What do you see in him? Do you have kids?!

🎖to you FIL. love him. Maybe best FIL on Mumsnet.

Your h is useless.

He PATTED you in a "there there, you can't help being stupid, aww bless" way? When you are anything BUT stupid.

I would seriously consider leaving if someone had done that to me. That is unbearable.

And for his dad to ask if it was true that you earned more just proves how much he talks you down to them. If he says this in front of you, what the hell is he saying behind your back?

Don't send him to strip wallpaper in your holiday home. Send him there while you arrange a divorce. The guy is a monster.

My DH celebrates me as the (unexpected) breadwinner. I always thought I was marrying up, but it looks likely that my money will significantly outweigh his. We both have senior professional jobs. He is proud of me, and he actively tells people about it, and he jokes about becoming a stay at home dad if it keeps up. Your husband has some major work to do on himself, and eating of humble pie if there is any chance of reconciliation.

Separately, 10/10 reaction from your father in law. Now that is a good man.

I think you did very well in your reaction and he should be the one apologising .
I have a feeling he is feeling belittled by your success . I earn more than hubby , 3 x more and while is he super supportive and won’t hide that from anyone I can see that at times it upsets him .
either way him behaving the way he does is absolutely wrong on all levels

I agree. Do NOT apologise, you’ve been under reacting for too long.

It'll be interesting to see how he behaves in front of his parents now that the jig is up. His father has shown himself to be a much bigger man that expected.

Agree I don’t understand why rhe parents are being blamed by some posters, nothing suggests they support his behaviour or raised him like this.

I'm not sure I could forget or forgive this, and that would destroy the marriage.

He sounds like he has deep problems, and instead of owning up to them he's decided to squish you.

This is appalling OP. You surely can't stay in this marriage? Apart from being a sexist pig, he sounds thick as shit. I suspect his parents, or at least his Dad, knows him only too well. No, just no. This is really, really bad.

You are magnificent. Most uplifting thread I've read for weeks!

Seriously Op why have you put up with it.
Him speaking in derogatory terms and minimising your role is horrible. You don’t speak about anyone like that let alone someone you are supposed to love and be in a partnership with.
I personally couldn’t be with a man like that.
If you still want to be married to him then frank conversation. He stops the jibes and undermining now or there’s no future.
He should be proud of your accomplishments.
Your FIL sounds lovely in contrast.

How? She’s been dealing with this for 10 years. Silently sitting there smiling away as he belittles her and insults her… and she just took it. This is a sad thread, not uplifting or empowering. Only sad.