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Original poster

To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

544 replies

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 15:06

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
ToriMounj · 06/02/2026 23:57

God I dunno how you’ve put up with that at all. What a silly twat he is.

understandyourdilemma · 07/02/2026 00:03

My exh was like this. Everything was fine and 'equal' and he was cool with a wife who worked... until I found myself in a role that suited me and my skills. The more I was promoted and the more I earned, the more difficult exh found it. Even though he was doing OK in his own right he somehow had to belittle me.

For me, doing well and earning well was a confidence boost. But it was a confidence boost in relation to a world, a vague background, an environment of subtle mysogeny. I felt I could hold my own, stand my ground, be sassy and clever and funny. I could be myself, and be happy that I was good at it. An inner confidence. It was never a confidence boost about earning more than my husband (or more than anyone else).

Until it happened I'd not seen or known this part of exh. That HIS confidence and validation in life was in relation to ME and our relationship. That he was older (by 6 months!), wiser (had a better class of degree), more practical (I didn't know how to check the oil in the car or how to re-grout the tiles in the bathroom!).

As I grew, he fought against it. He became controlling, he belittled me, he undermined me. I wish we could have worked together to sort it out. But it didn't seem possible.

Thankfully I later met a man who was happy to be with me, the person I am. There is no power play in our relationship, and there have been times (e.g. during covid) when the tables were turned, and my dp was the person with the stable income.

@JoanJettsBlackheads I hope you find your happiness.

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 07/02/2026 00:03

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 15:06

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Well done!! It needed to be said.

rockingroller · 07/02/2026 00:06

Sounds like a very toxic situation that everyone has been going along with for years, including you, OP! But you have put an end to the fantasy of the dim wife now, which is a good start. Now you need to renegotiate your relationship with DH. I hope you can find a way, if that's what you want.

Francestein · 07/02/2026 00:34

I’d be pointing out that his insecurity, misogyny and attitude are probably why his own career stagnated.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/02/2026 00:42

YANBU at all for snapping, although I also can’t understand why you let this go on so long.

My exh once told someone “in front of me” that I “just went to the local university”. The fact that my parents live near Oxford does not make it “just the local university”.

Unfortunately, he was speaking in a French at the time which, whilst I understand it well, he is more fluent in than I am, so I couldn’t get in quickly enough to correct him!

GaIadriel · 07/02/2026 00:46

No offence but even a relatively dim person would probs see an issue with their husband repeatedly calling them 'not very bright' in front of people. I'd have called this out the very first time and likely had serious thoughts about whether this guy was worthy of my time and commitment.

twoshedsjackson · 07/02/2026 01:05

"Fair comment, darling; after all, I was dim enough to take you on!"

twoshedsjackson · 07/02/2026 01:05

"Fair comment, darling; after all, I was dim enough to take you on!"

JHound · 07/02/2026 01:08

You were right, your husband is an idiot.

ittakes2 · 07/02/2026 01:42

He actively puts you down / tries to hurt you. Life is too hard, you need a partner you can trust to always have your back … this man is stabbing you in the back. Can you really recover from his ill intentions towards you? He’s been hurting you to make himself feel better - I bet he’s selfish on other ways too.

Carycach4 · 07/02/2026 03:03

You deserve each other-you are both dicks. What a home for your poor kids to be stuck living in

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/02/2026 04:10

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 16:18

Yes. In a super patronising way.

Show quote history

I‘M with the poster who said it’s amazing you haven’t murdered him.

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/02/2026 04:14

JoanJettsBlackheads · 06/02/2026 15:56

I didn’t mention it before because it was just the odd little dig. He’s never just gone on and on like he did this time. I’ve messaged him and suggested that we have a talk this evening. If he’s still refusing to speak to me, he can go to the house in the country (that he hates) and do something productive there, like strip the walls.

This is incredibly generous. I’m surprised you’re not telling him that since the only way he seems ro be able to live with you is if he can call you stupid and a thousand other dismissive digs , and you are done tolerating that shit, he can pack his bags, and maybe one day you will find someone who values you, unlike him.

Buyasteamer · 07/02/2026 06:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/02/2026 06:45

Why are you with this man ?

he sounds a pathetic condescending knob

don’t have kids with him unless too late

echt · 07/02/2026 06:48

Carycach4 · 07/02/2026 03:03

You deserve each other-you are both dicks. What a home for your poor kids to be stuck living in

Are you on the right thread?

Argh567 · 07/02/2026 07:16

YANBU. I would be furious. Marriage is supposed to be about supporting and being proud of each other's successes, not poking holes and bringing someone down (in public or private) in an attempt to make oneself feel good.

And the kind of stuff he has said, even as a once-off in front of his family - let alone many times over the years - is not a joke. Tbh I would have thought his parents would have picked him up on it even without knowing the truth.

Lambington · 07/02/2026 07:18

Your dh is a misogynist who does not respect you.

Soontobe60 · 07/02/2026 07:25

What I can’t understand is why it’s taken you 10 years to address this. Do you not talk to your PILs? ‘Hey FIL, I got a promotion and now I’m COO - isn’t that fantastic’. Also, why did you not correct your DH when he first started being a dick?
He’s an idiot, that’s obvious.

PortSalutPlease · 07/02/2026 07:48

Why are you wasting your time on this small, small man?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/02/2026 08:00

Cordeliasdemonbabies · 06/02/2026 22:31

I think this needs to be a defining moment for your marriage. If he digs his heels in, I'd be done. If he accepts he had been behaving poorly and agrees to counselling, then I would explore whether it can be fixed.

If ge treats you with contempt, then the marriage is doomed regardless.

I articulate it less clearly but yes I agree.

This is a pivotal point.

I hope he was less of an arsehole last night....

You need to stop extending olive branching now (you offered to takk he declined) and just see where it lands.

It may be this is the end of the road...

MyDeftDuck · 07/02/2026 08:02

OP, please do not have babies with this useless article.

Arcticienne · 07/02/2026 08:08

What took you so long ..?

G5000 · 07/02/2026 08:12

so sad to read all those stories of misogynistic insecure husbands on this thread.
My own DH was has always been very happy to correct all his older relatives, who assume he is the higher earner and I have a little job for pocket money.

Yes OP I'm also wondering how come you didn't nip it in the bud the first time he said you're a bit dim? You're a COO! Your FIL sounds great though.