To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

[JoanJettsBlackheads]

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

"But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

This is abusive. And I'd be naming it with him directly and explicitly. And then (given that it sounds like his parents have actually created this toxicity) I'd be giving him one last ditch attempt to cut it out permanently or I would taking my excellent salary and leaving him and his fragile ego in the dust. He needs to man up.

Yes I know, but it would be a reasonable shorthand wouldn't it?
Unless you get yer kicks from narrowing your eyes at all posts and looking for signs of fakery, in which case, why are you here?

God OP, how have you been tolerating this up till now? I'm surprised you didn't snap sooner. YA most definitely NBU!

I’m sorry. There was genuinely no intention to mislead. I’ve been on here for over 20 years and name change regularly since being outed a few years ago. Obviously it’s up to you what you believe, but this is true, and I should have picked another username.

Don't message him again. It's his job to come forward and apologise, not your job to smooth things over :)

What an absolute dickhead. 'not very bright?' wow.

He's a bullying prick, belittling you like that. Just leave the fucker and have a nice life on your own. Fuck him!

I wouldn't be surprised if his parents well his dad anyway are concerned he may be abusing you.

Bloody good on you for saying why you said. Do not tolerate ANYONE belittling you like this. You have obviously worked hard for your high paying career and he’s obviously jealous and threatened by it. Do not apologise. He needs to and he needs to grow up. It’s lovely what his dad said to you!

@JoanJettsBlackheads

Good on you! I bet you wish you'd done it ages ago.

I think I'd just let him stew. After all, what is there really to talk about. He spewed his shit, you tore him a new one, in front of his parents no less! If that doesn't get through to him nothing will.

TBH I don't think I'd bother getting into a big discussion. I'd just tell him "There is nothing to talk about and no justification for what you said about me. But hear this, I will call you out in front of God and everybody if you ever pull this shit again. After all, if you don't care about humiliating me why should I care about humiliating you?".

So how did this evening's chat go?

What a condescending jerk. He owes you big time, an apology in front of his parents and for all the times he has put you down. But the great thing is the cat's out of the bag.

I hope that father-in-law appraises his wife of the fact that your earnings were true, and that he doesn't also say 'ah, she was just having a little strop, bless her.'

YABU for staying married to an insecure, nasty man who humiliates and demeans you in front of his parents. Does he have a vibrating cock? Because I can't see any other reason you wouldn't have left the prick years ago.

@JoanJettsBlackheads Proud of you darling and well done FIL

YANBU!! I would have wiped the floor with him ages before. I think you're a saint to have put up with it. How dare he treat you like that. XH tried similar BS once. He made some dickish comment to his parents about me needing a man to be able to do practical day-to-day stuff. I was the fucking breadwinner (and no, I didn't need a man for that)!

I don't understand why he's not singing your praises for being so successful with your career. My sister earns a huge amount more than my BIL, he's so proud of her, and he'd never disrespect her like your husband did to you. I'd leave him to it. Hopefully his parents won't fall for anymore of his crap!

I think this needs to be a defining moment for your marriage. If he digs his heels in, I'd be done. If he accepts he had been behaving poorly and agrees to counselling, then I would explore whether it can be fixed.

If ge treats you with contempt, then the marriage is doomed regardless.

Its one thing for him to not correct his parents sexist assumptions. Its another to outright lie, amd degrade you to make him feel better about himself. Its a nasty, small man who can only better himself by humiliating others. Worse when its his own wife.

I like your FiL. I suspect he knows exactly who his son is. Im proud of you too

He doesn't like you. Imagine a friend treating you this way,
If you are in your 40s , another 40 years of this shit?
Start looking for a way out.

Get a life Temu Miss Marple.

Hi op I’m glad you did he will be watching what he says from now on he was belittling you trying to humiliate you and you fought back your not in the wrong and if he keeps ignoring you just say it’s not so funny now is it. His parents left and didn’t try to brush it under the rug which means they have respect for you. Men used to be the breadwinners but life has changed so much now he needs to stop sulking he got away with it in the past and now he’s been put in his place.

Subtly? Why? Was he subtle when he lied about her to make his dick feel bigger? No, he had it coming, not sure how OP managed to bite her tongue until now.

Your username is no issue OP.

Your husband sounds a knob. His parents now will be reflecting on all the stunts he's pulled in the past. They will be realising what a piece of work he is.

Good luck sorting him out. Dont give in or allow this again. As a Director myself, Im proud of you. Keep us posted...

Jesus Christ.

Being insecure about your partner out earning you is one thing which you could understand someone struggling with internally, going on the front foot to belittle then and create a Walter mittey scenario where not only are they reliant on you but that your actively belittle then due fake being reliant on you is fucking nuts.

What a mean pathetic vindictive asshole.

My wife out earns me massively because she's smarter and more capable than me. My life would be fucking miserable if I spent all my time resenting that and pretending it wasn't true rather than just accepting it as a relatively inconsequential element of our life because we're a team.